Full Moon

It’s a full moon rising and with this full moon all the emotions are stirring within me. I’ve cried multiple times today for various reasons.

It felt good to let it out.

Part of it is this time of year. A reminder of the many ways I’m alone and sad and a reminder of all the many ways I’m surrounded by love.

I laid sick in bed all day Sunday and began binge watching a new show. And in this show was a mother who was an addict. It was super validating for me as this character really brought to life a lot of my experiences with my own mom. It made me feel not alone, and I also got to see objectively on screen, pieces of my childhood play out.

It was sad.

But validating and refreshing.

Making me feel I didn’t make up the pain and trauma of my childhood. That it was all real. My mom was an addict. That’s the truth.

I don’t have to hide from that fact nor do I have to defend myself or try to convince anyone of that fact any longer.
That little TV show validated my feelings and my experience and released all kind of emotions.

My dads monument is almost done and will be shipped soon to be set at his burial site. I saw the progress on the stone today which also brought up a lot of emotions.

The sadness I still carry, the lump of pain I still caught in my throat, that void that comes to my awareness over and over again.

But even with this sadness, I’m reminded daily of the love and beauty that fully surrounds me.

Lately I’ve really been able to feel so much of this love that surrounds me. I have felt cared for, heard, seen, and valued for just who I am and not just for the things I do. I don’t think I can purely articulate the kind of love I have felt. But that love is also what brought me to tears today.

In the moments I have felt alone, unworthy, and sad, I have had the most amazing people show up and show me love. And it means so much to me. I am so thankful and feel so loved. As someone who has spent her whole life always taking care of others and doing everything for everyone else, never feeling worthy enough, it’s been quite a wonderful feeling to feel taken care of and loved.

I hope everyone gets the chance to feel that kind of love and care.

Feel your feelings, it’s okay to be sad, and it’s also okay to recognize all the beauty and love that still surrounds you if you pause long enough to notice and let it in.

Know you are worthy of that pure selfless love and then open yourself up to receive it. I promise it’s there.

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