9. Fakers Going to Fake - Getting real and honest with ourselves and how to stop playing around with our lives

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Hey, everyone is Chelsea VanBuskirk
with the Heart AF podcast.

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Hope everyone is doing well
out there in the world today.

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I didn't know this until recently,
but oversharing is a trauma

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response, which totally makes
sense because I am someone who has

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experienced, early childhood trauma.

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And I've been through a lot of things in
my life, which you may or may not have

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picked up on through previous episodes.

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And, I did have something recently come
up in my life where I was re-triggered.

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From some of the trauma I
experienced . as younger Chelsea.

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And I was put back in little
Chelsea shoes, where I was seeing

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things that I hadn't seen since
these traumatic times in my life.

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And it just reopened.

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All of these, these wounds for me.

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And it was very difficult for me to
process and it's something that I'm

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still struggling with that I keep,
replaying in my head and I'm getting

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angry and I'm having lots of big
feelings because it's things that I

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dealt with, as a young child and the
ending of that was my mom passing away.

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And that was a big.

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Significant moment in my life.

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And.

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I was wanting to talk about how

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I'm one of those people that I do like
to share what's going on in my life.

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I am very vocal and I like to be
transparent because we are in this culture

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where, everybody's live and everybody
is sharing things all the time, but

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we're always sharing the good things.

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I feel like, you know, there are
the occasional people are sharing,

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when they've lost a loved one, and
I think that's nice where we can

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come together, even in a virtual
way to help support and be there for

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people who are going through grief.

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But aside from those posts,
the most time we see our people

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posting their highlight reels.

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And that can be hard because.

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Day-to-day life.

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Isn't a highlight reel.

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I like the quote where,

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Everyday might not be a good day,
but there's good in every day.

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So, you know, we might have
highlights in each day.

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That could be true, but not
every day is going to be great.

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Right.

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Like there's going to be times where
you're not okay and that is okay.

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And that's why I like to be transparent.

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That's why I do like to talk so much
about the struggles I've been through

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and the traumas I've been through
because I want to speak up and let

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people know that they're not alone.

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That's important to me to let
people know that you're not alone

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in what you're struggling with.

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So if you've had times where you've
been in, scenarios where you're re

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triggered by something that might've
happened when you're younger, that's okay.

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And it's okay to talk about it.

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And I think it's actually
healthy to talk about it.

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You can talk about it with somebody who's
trained, who might be a therapist or a

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counselor or a psychiatrist, something
like that that can help you maybe

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process if it is a significant trauma.

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You can find a friend to confide in,
like, I think it's just important to

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talk about your feelings, because if
we don't talk about them, if we let

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them fester, if we let them sit within
that's where that can cause trouble.

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And that's something that I want
to address because I have noticed.

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Where.

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There's people who want to put on that
fake mask and be fake as fuck and pretend

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like everything's fine when it's not.

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And they want to just keep
up this persona, right?

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Like they have to keep up appearances.

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Right?

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Like you see that all the time, they
play it out in movies all the time.

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You know, it's always like these nice
big houses in the wealthy families.

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And then inside is like a
prison for some of the people

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living inside of it, you know?

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There's things that go on behind
closed doors that we just don't know.

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And I think that there's a flip
side of this coin too, is that.

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You should always treat everybody
with kindness because you have no idea

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what kinds of struggles or internal
prisons, they might be in right.

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You think about people who might be
in abusive relationships, maybe they

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don't even know they're in an abusive
relationship, but they are struggling,

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but they have this persona that they're
trying to keep up or they're trying

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to, a pretend like everything's okay.

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And so it's just you never know what
kind of struggles people might be

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dealing with, behind closed doors.

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So it is important to just treat
people with kindness because

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they might be having a bad day.

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They might not be able to stand
up and voice their frustrations.

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And so they're internalizing it and
keeping it in, and then they get into

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an interaction with you, a stranger
and they blow up in your face.

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And then you, as the stranger might
take it super personally, and it might

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not have anything to do with you.

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It's all stuff that they're
struggling with at home.

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And you just don't know,
you just don't know.

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What I guess I'm trying
to get at is that I think.

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If we could learn to be more open and
vulnerable with people , I think it's

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important to interact with other humans
and share and to support each other.

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And you can't support each other
on this fake superficial level.

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It just doesn't work.

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I've had instances where I'm in
a conversation with somebody I'm

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oversharing, obviously, because I'm a
person who has trauma, in their life.

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But I open myself up to people because I,
again, like, from my perspective, I like

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sharing things because I think it one.

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Helps me to talk about it because
sometimes we go through things

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and it's, like, People want to
pretend like it didn't happen.

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Or sometimes talking
about it is just a way

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To know that it really happened.

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Right.

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because I feel like sometimes in our
minds we can get to where we try

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to rationalize some of the traumas
I think we've been through or we

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try to just kind of ignore issues
because it's too painful to look at.

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And, no, like, I want to
fucking talk about it.

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I want people to know and
realize, like, this was a problem.

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This is something that
affected me and it did happen.

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I think it's important to get that out.

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Like you can't let that sit in you, you
can't pretend like this didn't happen.

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Because when you pretend like it
didn't happen, it just sits there.

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It's still there until
you deal with your shit.

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Shit's going to keep happening.

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Shit's going to keep popping up.

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And that's why I think this specific
situation happened recently to me, To

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know that I still have unresolved trauma.

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I still have unresolved anger.

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That's inside me from when I was a
girl dealing with my mom as an addict.

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And that's the truth.

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And I think I'm getting shown experiences
to help me heal those wounds inside me.

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And that's why I wanted to get on here
today and kind of talk about that is

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if you do have things in your life
that are not going well, it is up

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to you to be responsible and to make
changes and to figure your shit out.

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So you can have a better life.

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So you don't have to be stuck in
pretending and living this fake as fuck.

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Life like everything's okay.

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When it's not it's okay.

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That things are not okay.

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But that's when you start asking yourself
questions, like what can I do about that?

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You are responsible for yourself,
you are responsible for your life.

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Okay.

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And sometimes that's what I have
a hard time with is because I want

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to take on other's responsibility.

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Like I want to take the responsibility
for other people's decisions.

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I want to help them.

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And I want to tell them what to
do, but that's not how it works.

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Like we all are our own people.

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Like we have our own responsibilities
and how we handle certain situations.

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And.

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It just sucks to see it as an outsider.

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Right?

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Like it sucks to see people you
love and care about like destroy

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themselves or live these fake ass
lives, pretending like they're happy.

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And everything's okay.

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When you know that in the
reality, things are not okay.

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Things are not happy.

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Things are spiraling and
it's going to get worse.

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And it's hard to sit back and see that,
like, you want to be able to go in and fix

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it and you can't, you have to step back.

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And let things kind of play out
the way they're going to, because

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it's not your responsibility.

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Like your responsibility is yourself.

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So that's one of those important
questions that you have to ask yourself.

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What's in my control.

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You know, I can't control other people.

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I can't control.

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What's going to happen.

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, I don't have any control on
how other people behave or act.

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but I have control over me.

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I can set boundaries for myself.

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I can keep myself safe.

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Right.

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I can decide how I respond to things.

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I can decide how I want to live my life.

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I can decide, what I want
to do that brings me joy.

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Right?

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And that was probably a big
turning point for me in my life.

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When I realized that I had responsibility
in my life, that I was the one

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responsible for my own happiness.

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Like , I guess you could say this
where I stopped being a victim.

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Right.

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Like I stopped.

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Blaming my problems on everybody else.

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I stopped saying it was this
person's fault in my life.

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Like, well, because this happened,
this is why I'm this, you know,

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it was like, no, You may have
gone through some shitty things.

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People may have done some shitty
things to you in the past.

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These things happened, but
it's your responsibility on

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what you do with that, right?

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Like it's your responsibility on how
you handle it, how you go forward.

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You can let that drag you down and
keep you in that victim mindset.

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Or you can be proactive and be the
Victor and actually do something.

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And change your life.

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Like that's possible.

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It's possible for anybody.

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Any of you, if you're unhappy in any
situation at any capacity in your life.

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You have the power to
make changes on that.

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You have the power to decide for
yourself right now, right this minute.

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If, if you're not happy with something,
if you're struggling with something.

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Then you can find a solution for it.

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You just have to just know
your power and know that.

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You can do things like
you can make choices.

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You have a choice every day.

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What did I hear today was I
think it was a yoga class today.

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It was like, you have a choice every day.

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To, um, be peaceful or I don't know
what it was, but I'll say pissed off.

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Like you literally can, you can decide.

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Each day, each moment, whether or
not you're going to be pissed off or

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peaceful about a situation, right.

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We literally have choices every day.

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We have way more power
than we think we do.

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Like, we'll curse everybody
and say, we can't do this.

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And we can't do that because of this.

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And because of that, and it's like, well,
really do you know, with a hundred percent

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certainty that you can or can't do that?

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Like a hundred percent,
you know, you can't.

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Anyway.

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I know I'm getting really
worked up about this, but.

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It's just like I said, This is what's
been going on in my life recently.

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I was re-triggered and had
to revisit some of these.

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Old wounds that I thought were healed and.

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The universe is like, HA!

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No, you're not, you think you are, but
you still got work to do my friend.

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So I'm like, okay, I see you.

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And I will get on that.

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So I did, I did make an appointment
with my counselor and I am going through

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some of these feelings I'm having.

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Cause it was, I I'm telling you, it
was, almost like I was re-traumatized

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like I was back in that space
where I was , as younger Chelsea.

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You know, I was that little
girl experiencing these things.

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So I had to, you know,
go through and see.

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What those wounds are that I need
to go back and heal and those

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emotions that I need , to deal with.

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Right?

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Like you can't let those
things sit within you.

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You can't, let things fester.

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And.

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You can only pretend for so long.

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Is what I really want to say?

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You can only pretend for so
long that things are okay.

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Because if they're not, it's
going to come crumbling down.

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Like when you build your
foundation with, Shitty materials

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it's going to crumble down.

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So when you use those
fake shitty materials,

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That foundation's going to crumble, but
if you build your foundation on solid

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ground when you're healed, you know,
That's when the foundation can be built

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when you heal yourself and you're honest,
and you just deal with your shit.

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You have the capabilities to build
a beautiful foundation and build a

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beautiful life that is meant for you.

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Like we are all meant to have
a joyful, fulfilling life.

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We are all deserving of that.

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And I think that's the biggest thing
too, is when you get sucked into thinking

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you don't deserve something and you just

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Drive yourself down.

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I'm getting all worked up and
going all kinds of directions.

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, But yeah, like I said, you gotta
deal with those wounds and you gotta

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be honest with yourself on like,

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what am I doing?

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That's causing my life to crumble,
and it takes being honest with

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yourself and stop being so fake and
admitting when things are not okay.

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It's like, we're so afraid
to voice that things.

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Aren't okay.

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Like we want to keep up this
persona and it's like, why?

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People are going to have
opinions of you no matter what.

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It's not something you can control.

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Right.

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You can't control how
people think about you.

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It is not your business.

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What other people think of you?

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It's not, I mean, you can't control that.

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Like how do you think about you?

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That's what you should think about.

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You know, like.

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If it was just you and you didn't have
to worry about what anybody else thought

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like, are you okay with how your life is?

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Are you happy?

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Are you doing everything you can
do to make sure that you're taking

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care of yourself and that you are
going after a life that you want,

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like to create your happiness,
like you really have to, I think.

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Dig deep to get to that mindset, to
get on that path of knowing What's

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my responsibility in my life ?And
if I'm not happy and things aren't

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going the way I want them to.

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What's my responsibility in that?

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What can I do?

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Again, I go back to that question.

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What can you control and
what can't you control?

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And then, you know, what's
my responsibility and what's

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not my responsibility.

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Well, it's not other people's
responsibility to make you happy.

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I'll tell you that, like, that's on you.

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Like it's not your spouse's
job to make your happy.

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It's not your kids job to make you happy.

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You are responsible for that.

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You are responsible for taking
care of yourself and making

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sure your needs are met.

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And I know for me, that was a
big thing for the longest time.

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Like I just was expecting other
people to make me happy or expecting

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my husband to act a certain way
or my kids to act a certain way.

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And that was going to make me happy, but
it's like, no, like I had actually voice

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my needs and let them know what I needed.

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And, take the initiative on some
things like you can't just assume

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things are gonna work out or that
they're supposed to, and then act

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like a victim when they don't work
out the way you wanted them to like,

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again, you can't control other people.

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So you have to figure
out what you can do.

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What's in your power to do for
yourself, and that's all you gotta do.

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You gotta be proactive.

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You gotta be your own advocate.

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That's probably my
biggest piece of advice.

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You have to be your own advocate.

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And you have to take
responsibility for your life.

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And stop being fake as fuck.

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Those are my three
things for this episode.

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You know, so.

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I ain't got time for that shit.

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I'm done.

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the more and more.

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I grow in my own self, love
my own self confidence.

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The more and more I'm confidently able.

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To like call out people's shit and I'm
done being okay with people's fakeness.

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I'm not going to be
confrontational about it.

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Like I'm not going to start fights about
it when I know people are being fake

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to me, but I'm just going to not give
it, my energy is what I'm going to do.

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So that's how I'm
setting a boundary there.

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If people want to be fake and want
to pretend like things are okay when

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00:14:02,301 --> 00:14:05,011
they're not , or just when people like
lie to you, when people don't want

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00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,451
to be real, like they want to just.

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00:14:07,021 --> 00:14:08,431
It's like, why?

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00:14:09,191 --> 00:14:09,971
It's fine though.

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00:14:10,031 --> 00:14:12,961
That's, the new thing that I'm learning or
my boundary that I'm setting is keeping

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my energy and my space safe and not
taking on anybody else's chaos, right.

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00:14:20,595 --> 00:14:22,905
Somebody said something to me recently.

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They said, don't let another
person's chaos, be your chaos.

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And that's so perfect.

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00:14:28,115 --> 00:14:28,745
That's so true.

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00:14:28,745 --> 00:14:30,155
Like don't let other, people's bullshit.

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00:14:30,155 --> 00:14:32,705
Be your bullshit, you know,
stay in your own lane.

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00:14:32,735 --> 00:14:33,995
Like you don't need to take it on.

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00:14:33,995 --> 00:14:36,905
So going back to like, you know, your
responsibility for your life, you're

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00:14:36,905 --> 00:14:38,345
not responsible for anybody else.

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00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:38,795
Like you, you.

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00:14:38,855 --> 00:14:41,765
You protect yourself,
keep your boundaries up.

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00:14:42,155 --> 00:14:43,115
And then focus on you.

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00:14:43,115 --> 00:14:44,135
What can you do for you?

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00:14:44,135 --> 00:14:46,985
What can you be in charge of
in your life to make progress

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00:14:46,985 --> 00:14:48,215
and live it how you want to.

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00:14:48,295 --> 00:14:48,635
, Anyway.

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00:14:49,098 --> 00:14:50,898
I hope you guys are all doing well.

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00:14:51,208 --> 00:14:56,368
Find me on Instagram or Facebook
@Chelsea.vanbuskirk or you can find me

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00:14:56,368 --> 00:14:59,148
on my website at chelseavanbuskirk.com

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00:14:59,608 --> 00:15:04,228
and I look forward to hearing from
you guys, send me a DM follow me,

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00:15:04,258 --> 00:15:08,038
friend requests, me share this
episode if it resonated with you.

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00:15:08,288 --> 00:15:10,028
I love to get feedback.

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00:15:10,058 --> 00:15:13,418
If you've got questions, if you want
to talk, if you have a comment about

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00:15:13,418 --> 00:15:16,448
the episode, if there's something
you want me to elaborate on, because.

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00:15:17,048 --> 00:15:22,058
I know I talk fast and I know that my
mind goes a million miles a minute.

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00:15:22,058 --> 00:15:26,348
So sometimes I bounce around, but
if something hit with you, Let me

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00:15:26,348 --> 00:15:28,028
know, so we can dissect it further.

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00:15:28,078 --> 00:15:33,618
And yeah, I'm sending everybody positive
energy and just, you know, do you boo!

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00:15:33,848 --> 00:15:34,688
That's what I got to say.

349
00:15:34,688 --> 00:15:35,528
Do you.

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00:15:35,528 --> 00:15:36,248
Be real.

351
00:15:36,878 --> 00:15:39,248
And take responsibility for your life.

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00:15:39,758 --> 00:15:42,188
Make sure you do what
you need to do for you.

353
00:15:42,618 --> 00:15:44,718
You get to decide what makes you happy.

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00:15:44,798 --> 00:15:46,558
Figure out what makes
you happy and do that?

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00:15:47,558 --> 00:15:49,628
Yeah, you do you, peace out!