8. Guilt Trippin’ - Dealing with those that have you doubting and questioning yourself, laying on the guilt

1
00:00:04,742 --> 00:00:05,852
Hey everyone.

2
00:00:05,852 --> 00:00:11,782
This is Chelsea van Buskirk with the heart
AF podcast, hope everyone is doing well.

3
00:00:12,022 --> 00:00:18,802
This episode is for all the mamas
out there who deal with A-holes that

4
00:00:18,802 --> 00:00:23,932
feel it's necessary to make comments
about our parenting slash our self

5
00:00:23,932 --> 00:00:26,572
care as if it's any of their business.

6
00:00:27,022 --> 00:00:29,122
And it's like this power trip.

7
00:00:29,122 --> 00:00:32,872
Some people like to have, That
they want to talk down to you

8
00:00:32,872 --> 00:00:35,962
or make certain comments that
really make you question yourself.

9
00:00:36,172 --> 00:00:37,702
They are laying on the guilt.

10
00:00:38,002 --> 00:00:43,522
And the thing is, as parents, as
moms, we already have our own.

11
00:00:43,808 --> 00:00:47,618
guilt that we're trying to navigate
through that we're trying to work

12
00:00:47,618 --> 00:00:53,618
through and it's so hard to go out
there and be a mom and trust your gut

13
00:00:53,618 --> 00:00:57,878
when you're bombarded with all kinds of
people, either on social media or even

14
00:00:57,878 --> 00:01:03,018
face to face interactions or things
we see on TV and in television shows.

15
00:01:03,798 --> 00:01:08,778
There's a bombardment of all this
information on like how a mom should be.

16
00:01:08,988 --> 00:01:10,428
What we shouldn't be doing.

17
00:01:10,578 --> 00:01:12,318
Rules are always changing.

18
00:01:12,678 --> 00:01:16,638
I mean, there's so much
stuff that goes on.

19
00:01:16,948 --> 00:01:20,578
Everybody has an opinion on how you should
parent your child or what you should

20
00:01:20,578 --> 00:01:23,988
and shouldn't do and what's too much,
what's not enough, and all the things

21
00:01:24,258 --> 00:01:28,878
that it is very overwhelming to trust
your gut and listen to your intuition

22
00:01:28,878 --> 00:01:30,378
about your own parenting choices.

23
00:01:30,708 --> 00:01:35,448
And especially when it comes to self care
and taking care of yourself as a mother,

24
00:01:35,718 --> 00:01:40,198
we are always, I feel like striving
to be doing everything and making sure

25
00:01:40,198 --> 00:01:46,392
we've got all the things taken care
of for kids and you know, it's hard to

26
00:01:47,082 --> 00:01:50,342
Manage, a hundred percent, all the time.

27
00:01:51,672 --> 00:01:53,922
Just everything that
revolves around our kids.

28
00:01:53,922 --> 00:01:56,532
Like we've got, school
pickups and drop-offs, we've

29
00:01:56,532 --> 00:01:58,362
got after school activities.

30
00:01:58,542 --> 00:01:59,952
We have school activities.

31
00:02:00,072 --> 00:02:03,402
We have things that we're supposed
to volunteer and bring at the school.

32
00:02:03,432 --> 00:02:06,492
And there's always people like needing
things or we're always feeling like we

33
00:02:06,492 --> 00:02:11,772
should be the ones that are, volunteering
at the school and, there's pressure

34
00:02:11,772 --> 00:02:16,612
from different clubs and groups at the
school to like, have you participate in.

35
00:02:17,112 --> 00:02:20,322
You know, we need to raise money for
this and that, and we need your help.

36
00:02:20,322 --> 00:02:23,442
On top of just all the other
expectations and whatever else you

37
00:02:23,442 --> 00:02:24,432
got going on in your life, right?

38
00:02:24,432 --> 00:02:25,392
Like it just stacks up.

39
00:02:25,392 --> 00:02:28,535
It adds up and there's a lot of
pressure and a lot of stress surrounding

40
00:02:28,555 --> 00:02:31,705
all these different kind of layers
of parenthood and being a mom.

41
00:02:32,065 --> 00:02:32,665
And.

42
00:02:32,907 --> 00:02:36,387
I've had just in the last week, multiple
conversations with other moms where

43
00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:39,917
this is just making me sick and we
have to have an episode about this.

44
00:02:39,947 --> 00:02:46,047
So let me just bring you to what came
into my field of vision about this thing?

45
00:02:46,507 --> 00:02:50,257
So I have a three-year-old
and he's potty training.

46
00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:52,117
We did really well over the summer.

47
00:02:52,147 --> 00:02:53,827
He was just being a rock star.

48
00:02:53,827 --> 00:02:54,937
I thought we were solid.

49
00:02:55,207 --> 00:03:00,097
So school starts this fall and it's
like, he's had complete regression,

50
00:03:00,257 --> 00:03:01,937
doesn't really care anymore.

51
00:03:02,137 --> 00:03:04,637
It doesn't matter if he's at school
or at home , it's just kind of hit or

52
00:03:04,637 --> 00:03:07,667
miss, like either he'll tell us he has
to go, or he just goes in his pants.

53
00:03:07,667 --> 00:03:08,487
Like he really doesn't care.

54
00:03:09,107 --> 00:03:11,057
So I'm working with his teachers.

55
00:03:11,057 --> 00:03:14,087
Like we're trying to figure out
solutions to help him get back

56
00:03:14,087 --> 00:03:15,767
on track and get the hang of it.

57
00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:19,157
And you know, obviously as a mom of
three, this is my youngest, he's my third.

58
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:20,567
So I'm much more relaxed.

59
00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:22,607
So in my head I'm like,
eventually it's going to happen.

60
00:03:22,607 --> 00:03:26,567
I'm not stressed too much about it because
I know eventually he's going to get it.

61
00:03:26,567 --> 00:03:27,767
Like we're going to get there.

62
00:03:28,047 --> 00:03:28,647
It's fine.

63
00:03:28,957 --> 00:03:32,677
But there are people that
have strong opinions and want

64
00:03:32,677 --> 00:03:33,837
to make them known to you.

65
00:03:33,837 --> 00:03:39,847
And so a recent interaction at
school last week was, my son told

66
00:03:39,847 --> 00:03:40,967
me he had to go to the bathroom.

67
00:03:41,227 --> 00:03:45,737
And we were at school and we were getting
checked in and so, , I let him lead and he

68
00:03:45,737 --> 00:03:49,097
went to the bathroom and I stood outside
the door and I let him take the initiative

69
00:03:49,097 --> 00:03:52,897
and do all the bathroom things, because
I do know that that's one of the things

70
00:03:52,897 --> 00:03:56,767
I struggle with is since he is my baby, I
do like to step in and do a lot for him.

71
00:03:57,097 --> 00:03:59,587
And so one of the things that I've
tried to check myself on is letting

72
00:03:59,587 --> 00:04:01,447
him do more things for himself.

73
00:04:01,447 --> 00:04:05,257
Like allowing him that space to figure out
how to pull up his pants himself, because.

74
00:04:05,827 --> 00:04:08,347
At school, that's the expectation
that he is going to be able to use the

75
00:04:08,347 --> 00:04:11,347
restroom his self so I need to make
sure that at home, I'm also letting

76
00:04:11,347 --> 00:04:16,237
him do these little seemingly small
tasks by himself and not stepping

77
00:04:16,237 --> 00:04:17,557
in, even though I can do it faster.

78
00:04:18,457 --> 00:04:18,937
So.

79
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,997
At school, he does his business.

80
00:04:21,997 --> 00:04:23,737
He pulls up his own pants.

81
00:04:23,837 --> 00:04:26,057
he gets the stool and
he moves it to the sink.

82
00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:27,377
He washes his hands.

83
00:04:27,737 --> 00:04:30,107
dries em throws his paper
towel in the trash, turns off

84
00:04:30,107 --> 00:04:31,097
the light and shuts the door.

85
00:04:31,097 --> 00:04:33,317
I'm like, yeah, buddy,
like super excited for him.

86
00:04:33,317 --> 00:04:33,987
Super proud.

87
00:04:34,517 --> 00:04:38,077
And we walk into the classroom and,
his normal teachers weren't there, one

88
00:04:38,077 --> 00:04:41,857
of the admins was stepping in to fill
in for the teachers who was out having

89
00:04:41,857 --> 00:04:43,297
a meeting at the front or something.

90
00:04:43,297 --> 00:04:46,607
And so this woman already, I don't
like, Because , she's a guilt tripper,

91
00:04:46,757 --> 00:04:47,927
which is what this episode's called.

92
00:04:47,927 --> 00:04:48,737
She's a guilt tripper.

93
00:04:48,737 --> 00:04:52,037
She likes to make you feel bad about your
parenting because she's high and mighty.

94
00:04:52,037 --> 00:04:53,557
And she's a much older woman.

95
00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:56,857
Like she's obviously grew up in a time
where things were quite different.

96
00:04:56,977 --> 00:04:58,297
She doesn't have a filter.

97
00:04:58,417 --> 00:05:01,177
She's very, crass with
her comments to you.

98
00:05:01,507 --> 00:05:06,387
So already I'm kind of walking into
this situation, but we walk into the

99
00:05:06,387 --> 00:05:08,157
room and my son is super excited.

100
00:05:08,157 --> 00:05:12,567
Like I just went to the bathroom, you
know, and the teacher immediately, or

101
00:05:12,597 --> 00:05:15,147
I shouldn't even call her a teacher
cause she's not she and she shouldn't

102
00:05:15,147 --> 00:05:18,987
be because she's not good with young
children, but she's the admin who is in

103
00:05:18,987 --> 00:05:23,337
the room just briefly until the teachers
came back, So her first comment to my

104
00:05:23,337 --> 00:05:25,997
son is, um, like expect that you did.

105
00:05:26,817 --> 00:05:28,677
Like just very like curt to the point.

106
00:05:28,677 --> 00:05:30,597
And then my son again, was like,
no, I went to the bathroom and

107
00:05:30,597 --> 00:05:33,267
she's like, if you have to go to the
bathroom, then you need to get out.

108
00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:34,617
You need to get out and go
use the bathroom right now.

109
00:05:34,647 --> 00:05:35,397
Then you better do that.

110
00:05:36,147 --> 00:05:38,827
And just very, curt and I'm like, whoa.

111
00:05:38,857 --> 00:05:38,987
Okay.

112
00:05:39,727 --> 00:05:43,207
And I said, no , he's trying to tell
you that he just went to the bathroom.

113
00:05:43,207 --> 00:05:43,957
Like we're really excited.

114
00:05:43,957 --> 00:05:46,447
Cause he just went to the bathroom
and she again was like, well, he

115
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:48,107
should have gone, just totally

116
00:05:48,157 --> 00:05:51,217
not encouraging just, well, he
should be using the bathroom

117
00:05:51,277 --> 00:05:55,327
because like, why is he not like
he should be old enough to use it?

118
00:05:55,567 --> 00:05:58,197
You know, just completely not
encouraging and I could give

119
00:05:58,197 --> 00:05:58,767
her the benefit of doubt.

120
00:05:58,767 --> 00:06:00,627
Like maybe she doesn't know
that he's been struggling.

121
00:06:01,107 --> 00:06:03,897
But I saw another mom was in the
room during this interaction and

122
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:07,257
we ended up talking afterwards and
this mom is like in tears because

123
00:06:07,257 --> 00:06:09,297
she is also struggling with her son.

124
00:06:09,297 --> 00:06:10,947
Who's the same exact age as my son.

125
00:06:11,127 --> 00:06:13,397
They're both a little over
three, and they're struggling

126
00:06:13,397 --> 00:06:14,297
with potty training him.

127
00:06:14,297 --> 00:06:16,577
And you can tell it's a sore
subject because she feels like

128
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:17,687
she's failing as a parent.

129
00:06:17,927 --> 00:06:20,567
And apparently this same lady
who made that crass comment to

130
00:06:20,567 --> 00:06:23,517
me has made repetitive crass
comments to her over the summer.

131
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,257
Uh, like basically saying your
son needs to be potty trained,

132
00:06:26,257 --> 00:06:27,187
really digging it into her.

133
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,507
And she's trying her best.

134
00:06:28,917 --> 00:06:30,667
She works full-time,
she's trying her best.

135
00:06:30,667 --> 00:06:32,947
She's talking with her pediatrician,
like she's doing all these things

136
00:06:32,947 --> 00:06:35,677
and you can tell that it's something
she is super worried about.

137
00:06:35,677 --> 00:06:36,307
Super stressed.

138
00:06:36,307 --> 00:06:38,977
She's feeling like a
failure as a mother and.

139
00:06:39,397 --> 00:06:40,807
You know I'm talking to
her and I'm like, no.

140
00:06:40,947 --> 00:06:41,657
You are okay.

141
00:06:41,657 --> 00:06:44,857
And she was like, I saw that interaction
and one, like I feel bad cause it made

142
00:06:44,857 --> 00:06:47,907
me feel better at least that I'm not the
one that's getting totally singled out.

143
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:51,187
But at the same time, like it sucks
that woman is talking to us this way.

144
00:06:51,187 --> 00:06:53,887
And she was like, I was about to
call my mom and let her know this

145
00:06:53,887 --> 00:06:56,667
is what's going on so anyways,
we had this lengthy discussion and

146
00:06:56,937 --> 00:06:58,707
I could see the pain in her eyes.

147
00:06:58,707 --> 00:07:01,317
I could see the tears, like
she's obviously struggling and

148
00:07:01,317 --> 00:07:02,757
she's had multiple comments.

149
00:07:03,607 --> 00:07:07,177
She confided in me about how she's
even gotten notes from this same lady.

150
00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:11,707
Who's not even the teacher, just an admin
who wants to give her opinion, writing

151
00:07:11,707 --> 00:07:14,997
her notes, saying, you can't be feeding
your kid the same lunch every day.

152
00:07:14,997 --> 00:07:16,557
He needs more variety and stuff.

153
00:07:16,557 --> 00:07:16,767
And.

154
00:07:17,907 --> 00:07:19,887
And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me?

155
00:07:19,977 --> 00:07:21,717
Like, give me a fucking break.

156
00:07:21,777 --> 00:07:24,337
Like out of all the things
I'm doing, you're going to

157
00:07:24,337 --> 00:07:25,927
critique the lunches I'm packing.

158
00:07:25,927 --> 00:07:28,267
Like first of all, toddlers are
hard enough to get them to eat.

159
00:07:28,267 --> 00:07:28,597
Right?

160
00:07:28,597 --> 00:07:30,307
Like they're picky as fuck.

161
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,717
Like you feed them what they'll eat.

162
00:07:31,747 --> 00:07:31,907
Right.

163
00:07:32,417 --> 00:07:32,867
it just.

164
00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:37,577
Irritates me that people have
this need to put down another mom

165
00:07:37,577 --> 00:07:40,037
or make them feel bad about the
way that they're doing things when

166
00:07:40,037 --> 00:07:41,567
they're obviously doing their best.

167
00:07:41,837 --> 00:07:45,247
And let me tell you, coming from my
growing up and having a mom as an

168
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:49,097
addict, like a least us parents we're
there for our kids they've got a roof

169
00:07:49,097 --> 00:07:50,567
over their head, they're being fed.

170
00:07:50,567 --> 00:07:50,837
Right?

171
00:07:50,837 --> 00:07:52,407
Like they have food,
they have a loving home.

172
00:07:52,857 --> 00:07:54,417
They have some, a stable home.

173
00:07:54,597 --> 00:07:57,507
So, you know, their needs are being met.

174
00:07:57,507 --> 00:07:59,937
Like I don't need to be critiqued
about what I'm feeding my child.

175
00:07:59,937 --> 00:08:02,367
If my child is eating, that's great.

176
00:08:02,397 --> 00:08:02,637
Right.

177
00:08:02,637 --> 00:08:05,247
If they've got food on their
plate, that I can feed them.

178
00:08:05,457 --> 00:08:06,057
That is a win.

179
00:08:06,087 --> 00:08:06,927
That is a success.

180
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,967
And I was telling her
too, I was like, you know,

181
00:08:09,627 --> 00:08:14,457
We do all the things as women,
as moms, as caretakers, right?

182
00:08:14,457 --> 00:08:18,087
Like we might have another outside job
that we have responsibilities and things

183
00:08:18,087 --> 00:08:19,797
that we have to show up for in that space.

184
00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:23,757
And then we have the space of getting
groceries and meal planning and

185
00:08:23,757 --> 00:08:27,627
then prepping the meals and lunches
and snacks in a lot of scenarios.

186
00:08:27,937 --> 00:08:30,727
So there's all these things that
we're taking on and it's like, you

187
00:08:30,727 --> 00:08:32,627
don't get that level of recognition.

188
00:08:33,217 --> 00:08:36,997
When you're doing these day-to-day things,
like it's just almost this expectation

189
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:40,057
and it sucks not getting recognized.

190
00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:43,897
Like I feel lucky and blessed that
my husband, ever since we've been

191
00:08:43,897 --> 00:08:47,977
married, he always like without
fail every time I make dinner and

192
00:08:47,977 --> 00:08:50,107
it is served, he always always says,

193
00:08:50,527 --> 00:08:51,287
Thank you for dinner.

194
00:08:52,057 --> 00:08:55,267
Every night, every night that I bring
dinner to the table, he always thanks me.

195
00:08:55,597 --> 00:08:59,677
And that is something that I really,
really appreciate because I do need

196
00:08:59,677 --> 00:09:00,727
to know that I'm doing a good job.

197
00:09:01,237 --> 00:09:03,427
Honestly, what I really want is
a standing ovation from the whole

198
00:09:03,427 --> 00:09:06,487
family and for them to always eat
what I prepare for them, because, you

199
00:09:06,487 --> 00:09:07,787
know, I think that's what I deserve.

200
00:09:08,497 --> 00:09:10,287
Um, that doesn't happen.

201
00:09:10,361 --> 00:09:12,281
I know I'm not the only one
where you slave all day to make

202
00:09:12,281 --> 00:09:13,421
food, that your kids won't eat.

203
00:09:13,421 --> 00:09:15,091
Like I've got the youngest and the middle.

204
00:09:15,091 --> 00:09:17,521
They're pretty picky eaters,
but my oldest, she is whatever.

205
00:09:17,521 --> 00:09:18,091
So I love her.

206
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:18,691
She's amazing.

207
00:09:19,711 --> 00:09:21,391
I love them all, but you know what I mean?

208
00:09:21,391 --> 00:09:24,211
It's always just frustrating when you
spend all this time and effort putting

209
00:09:24,211 --> 00:09:26,851
a meal together, and then you have
children that don't want to eat it.

210
00:09:26,861 --> 00:09:27,311
It sucks.

211
00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,715
Anyway, I'm just getting at.

212
00:09:30,225 --> 00:09:33,105
People make these comments and
make you feel bad when already

213
00:09:33,345 --> 00:09:38,315
you internally, already have these
insecurities about our parent...

214
00:09:38,335 --> 00:09:40,165
I mean, I don't know, one
parent I've ever talked to you

215
00:09:40,165 --> 00:09:42,625
that does not have insecurities
about their level of parenting.

216
00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:42,835
Right?

217
00:09:42,835 --> 00:09:44,545
Like you're always questioning everything.

218
00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:45,385
Always.

219
00:09:45,625 --> 00:09:48,815
And so when you have these negative
comments and these people that feels

220
00:09:48,815 --> 00:09:50,945
like they're attacking you, like
they're on their high horse telling

221
00:09:50,945 --> 00:09:52,295
you that you should be doing better.

222
00:09:52,505 --> 00:09:53,735
Like that's not constructive.

223
00:09:53,735 --> 00:09:54,785
That is not helping.

224
00:09:54,785 --> 00:09:55,895
That is not supportive.

225
00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:59,315
And there's all kinds of like moms
groups that I see it happen all the time,

226
00:09:59,315 --> 00:10:01,595
like on the forums on Facebook groups.

227
00:10:01,595 --> 00:10:03,675
And sometimes I'm like, oh my gosh.

228
00:10:04,175 --> 00:10:07,995
Like, any mom who asks a question like
you better be ready because you never

229
00:10:07,995 --> 00:10:10,875
know if that question is going to be
met with like a delicate, here, let

230
00:10:10,875 --> 00:10:12,225
me help you and give you a solution.

231
00:10:12,435 --> 00:10:15,315
Or if you're going to be ripped to shreds
by some other high and mighty person

232
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:18,195
that is just like, how can you be asking
this question and it's just like, oh my

233
00:10:18,195 --> 00:10:20,175
gosh, people need to chill the fuck out.

234
00:10:20,475 --> 00:10:22,825
So I'm gonna offer you a solution, right?

235
00:10:22,855 --> 00:10:24,745
This is how we get over
these guilt trippers.

236
00:10:24,985 --> 00:10:28,155
And oh, wait, let me share one other
one, because I, again, I just like

237
00:10:28,155 --> 00:10:30,585
to have conversations with people
because I'm a friendly person.

238
00:10:30,645 --> 00:10:31,155
I like to talk.

239
00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:34,445
So, I was getting a service
done earlier last week.

240
00:10:34,445 --> 00:10:35,405
And we're talking about my book.

241
00:10:35,405 --> 00:10:38,185
So we're talking about mom and
caregiving and responsibilities.

242
00:10:38,315 --> 00:10:40,115
She's a working mom, she's
a single working mom.

243
00:10:40,165 --> 00:10:43,105
She co-parents with the father of her
child, but they are, you know, split.

244
00:10:43,445 --> 00:10:45,455
It seems like they have a
pretty healthy thing going on.

245
00:10:45,455 --> 00:10:48,035
She's got a nanny that
helps with her child.

246
00:10:48,035 --> 00:10:50,485
Her child goes to school, but,
she has a nanny come in and

247
00:10:50,505 --> 00:10:52,155
so she was talking to me that.

248
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:56,635
She has a yoga class she likes to go to
because that's the one place she can go

249
00:10:56,635 --> 00:10:58,405
where she can actually quiet our mind.

250
00:10:58,675 --> 00:11:00,415
And I said, girl, I'm the same way.

251
00:11:00,625 --> 00:11:03,265
Like learning how to meditate and
stuff was super hard for me to do.

252
00:11:03,265 --> 00:11:06,895
And it's still to this day,
like I can really only have a

253
00:11:06,925 --> 00:11:10,465
good meditation or quiet time
when it's being led by somebody.

254
00:11:10,465 --> 00:11:14,005
Or am I in a space like a
yoga class where I can detach.

255
00:11:14,425 --> 00:11:18,115
And be in an environment that's
conducive to slowing down, like shutting

256
00:11:18,115 --> 00:11:21,685
the brain off and really focusing
on that mind, body connection and

257
00:11:21,685 --> 00:11:23,125
my breathing, like I need to be led.

258
00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,375
And that's how I do that.

259
00:11:25,375 --> 00:11:25,765
The best.

260
00:11:25,765 --> 00:11:27,955
Like, it's very hard for
me to do that by myself.

261
00:11:27,985 --> 00:11:29,965
Like I try it's okay.

262
00:11:29,995 --> 00:11:34,425
But my mind is usually a million miles a
minute with all the things I have to do.

263
00:11:35,215 --> 00:11:36,775
It's really hard for
me to quiet that down.

264
00:11:36,775 --> 00:11:40,735
So I was relating to her where she was
telling me that that yoga class was

265
00:11:40,735 --> 00:11:44,365
something that was super needed for
her to be able to find that space to

266
00:11:44,365 --> 00:11:49,195
ground and to regather your patience
like when you're so go, go, go.

267
00:11:49,855 --> 00:11:52,855
You know, managing your
work and your life, like

268
00:11:52,905 --> 00:11:56,125
All of the things that we try to
do, we're usually overextended.

269
00:11:56,125 --> 00:12:00,115
So having something like a yoga class is
something that's super needed and super

270
00:12:00,115 --> 00:12:05,035
valuable to help you slow down and really
check in with yourself and your body and

271
00:12:05,035 --> 00:12:10,645
give yourself that space to like relax
And be grounded and find that connection.

272
00:12:10,885 --> 00:12:13,495
And it gives you like a renewing energy.

273
00:12:13,495 --> 00:12:13,765
Right?

274
00:12:13,765 --> 00:12:15,385
So it's something that's super needed.

275
00:12:15,415 --> 00:12:17,005
I totally related with her on that.

276
00:12:17,335 --> 00:12:21,475
So she's telling me that the nanny had
come and she was telling the nanny

277
00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:22,855
that she was going, to yoga class.

278
00:12:22,855 --> 00:12:23,955
And the nanny had responded like.

279
00:12:24,625 --> 00:12:25,825
Oh, so you're not going to work.

280
00:12:25,825 --> 00:12:27,415
You're just going to go take a yoga class.

281
00:12:27,445 --> 00:12:30,175
And the mom was like,
no, I am going to work.

282
00:12:30,175 --> 00:12:31,355
I'm just going to the yoga class first.

283
00:12:32,515 --> 00:12:34,825
And she said that she was in the
car, all of a sudden, sweating

284
00:12:34,825 --> 00:12:37,785
it, like, oh my gosh, should I
not be doing this yoga class?

285
00:12:37,785 --> 00:12:39,255
Should I be staying at home longer?

286
00:12:39,255 --> 00:12:42,865
And then she totally started questioning
and picking herself apart, like

287
00:12:43,285 --> 00:12:46,315
thinking that she was being such a
bad mom for taking this yoga class.

288
00:12:46,495 --> 00:12:50,575
Like, you know, having the nanny there for
her to go to this yoga class before work.

289
00:12:50,875 --> 00:12:54,025
Like she was questioning that and
doubting herself and feeling guilty.

290
00:12:54,025 --> 00:12:55,345
Like she was being a bad mom.

291
00:12:55,735 --> 00:12:57,115
By taking care of herself.

292
00:12:57,505 --> 00:13:00,925
And she said that she did have a
conversation with a friend in the car.

293
00:13:01,525 --> 00:13:04,195
Who put her in check and let her
know, like, no, you need to take

294
00:13:04,195 --> 00:13:06,925
care of yourself and I helped echo
that with my conversation with her.

295
00:13:07,165 --> 00:13:08,685
And it is what I want to echo with you.

296
00:13:08,685 --> 00:13:09,795
My audience is that.

297
00:13:10,515 --> 00:13:14,655
It is not selfish to take care
of yourself because how can

298
00:13:14,655 --> 00:13:16,515
you show up as your best self?

299
00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:21,015
How can you show up and be the best
version of yourself for your kids?

300
00:13:21,015 --> 00:13:22,705
If you're not taking
care of yourself first?

301
00:13:23,205 --> 00:13:26,205
Because when you start overextending
yourself and you're not making that time

302
00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:29,355
to take care of yourself when your needs
are not being met and you're falling

303
00:13:29,355 --> 00:13:32,685
apart, that's when your patience is
thin, that's when you grow resentful.

304
00:13:32,685 --> 00:13:35,895
That's when you get bitter, that's
when you start like snapping

305
00:13:35,895 --> 00:13:36,905
at your kids unnecessarily.

306
00:13:37,725 --> 00:13:43,065
Like your kids deserve to
have a happy, joyful mother.

307
00:13:43,695 --> 00:13:44,855
They deserve that.

308
00:13:45,035 --> 00:13:46,205
You deserve that.

309
00:13:46,235 --> 00:13:47,645
You deserve to take care of yourself.

310
00:13:47,675 --> 00:13:49,295
You are entitled to take care of yourself.

311
00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:53,615
And so I'm so sick of the messages
and the mixed signals that are

312
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:56,465
getting thrown around saying you're
selfish for taking care of yourself.

313
00:13:56,495 --> 00:13:58,505
If you're taking time away
from your kids to take care of

314
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,575
yourself, that is not selfish.

315
00:14:00,905 --> 00:14:02,015
That is self care.

316
00:14:02,225 --> 00:14:04,295
That is how you show up as
your best self for your kids.

317
00:14:04,295 --> 00:14:08,825
So you can be a better parent and you
can be more available and be the best

318
00:14:08,825 --> 00:14:10,535
version of yourself for your kids.

319
00:14:10,535 --> 00:14:13,265
That's something you're teaching your
kids how to take care of themselves.

320
00:14:13,355 --> 00:14:14,645
You're being that example.

321
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:17,885
If you're just running yourself
ragged, you're teaching your kids.

322
00:14:17,885 --> 00:14:20,125
Like that's what their future
is to run themselves ragged.

323
00:14:20,585 --> 00:14:22,835
To never take care of themselves,
that's what you're teaching them.

324
00:14:23,075 --> 00:14:25,225
So it is not selfish to
take care of yourself.

325
00:14:25,895 --> 00:14:29,945
This is my suggestion for when
we get fed these negative things.

326
00:14:29,945 --> 00:14:34,085
Like whether it's these old women
who like are stuck in their old

327
00:14:34,115 --> 00:14:36,335
ancient ways of parenting, whatnot.

328
00:14:36,645 --> 00:14:38,715
Anybody that wants to make you
feel guilty that, you're supposed

329
00:14:38,715 --> 00:14:41,595
to sacrifice yourself, your
family comes first and everything.

330
00:14:41,625 --> 00:14:43,815
I'm not saying that you're
not putting your family first.

331
00:14:43,995 --> 00:14:46,245
You are putting your family first when
you're taking care of yourself, because

332
00:14:46,245 --> 00:14:49,245
how can you take care of your family
if you're not taking care of yourself?

333
00:14:49,435 --> 00:14:49,645
Okay.

334
00:14:49,705 --> 00:14:50,695
So here's my solutions.

335
00:14:50,695 --> 00:14:52,315
Cause I had to make notes
on my phone for you.

336
00:14:52,645 --> 00:14:55,405
Listening to this book
excuses be gone by Wayne Dyer.

337
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:56,718
Think I've talked, I've mentioned him.

338
00:14:56,808 --> 00:14:58,698
He is my greatest spiritual teacher.

339
00:14:58,728 --> 00:15:01,758
Through a mediumship reading I
had years ago was when he was

340
00:15:01,758 --> 00:15:02,928
first brought into my awareness.

341
00:15:02,958 --> 00:15:06,048
Like I literally got a message
from spirit that was like, Chelsea,

342
00:15:06,318 --> 00:15:07,248
you need to read this book.

343
00:15:07,248 --> 00:15:09,468
And the first book I read of
his was the power of intention.

344
00:15:09,678 --> 00:15:12,688
So definitely a recommendation for
you out there if you're listening,

345
00:15:12,938 --> 00:15:15,638
Power of Intention, amazing book.

346
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:17,628
Please, please read it.

347
00:15:17,628 --> 00:15:17,888
It's amazing.

348
00:15:19,308 --> 00:15:23,658
So, anyway, led me down a whole rabbit
hole of Wayne Dyer, talks and books.

349
00:15:23,658 --> 00:15:27,348
I probably listened to most of
the stuff, but circling back

350
00:15:27,348 --> 00:15:28,338
to what I'm trying to say.

351
00:15:28,908 --> 00:15:34,948
Is that from this book, Excuses Be Gone,
he talks about, holding a vision of

352
00:15:34,948 --> 00:15:38,698
yourself and like really holding on tight
to it and holding onto the fact that.

353
00:15:39,598 --> 00:15:40,998
We are entitled.

354
00:15:42,298 --> 00:15:48,088
To be respected, loved, happy to feel
fulfilled and prosperous to exercise

355
00:15:48,088 --> 00:15:49,948
and to enjoy all the moments of life.

356
00:15:51,148 --> 00:15:53,788
That that is the vision you need to
hold within yourself and you need

357
00:15:53,788 --> 00:15:56,728
to hold on to that strongly that
you are worthy of all those things.

358
00:15:56,818 --> 00:15:57,898
And don't let that go.

359
00:15:58,678 --> 00:16:03,808
And we will be given negative things
that come and try to challenge that

360
00:16:03,808 --> 00:16:05,278
vision we have of ourselves, right.

361
00:16:05,278 --> 00:16:07,948
Like challenging that we're worthy
enough to take time to exercise

362
00:16:07,948 --> 00:16:11,788
and take care of ourselves or that
we're entitled to be fulfilled.

363
00:16:12,068 --> 00:16:13,518
There's a quote that , Dr.

364
00:16:13,518 --> 00:16:14,538
Dyer brings in.

365
00:16:14,568 --> 00:16:19,758
That's a quote from Lao-Tzu that says
"in order to eliminate the negative

366
00:16:19,758 --> 00:16:22,318
influences simply ignore them."

367
00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:24,428
Very simple statement, right?

368
00:16:25,188 --> 00:16:28,158
And it's beautiful because
it really is that simple.

369
00:16:28,308 --> 00:16:32,388
So when the nanny makes her a little
comment, you just like, okay, you

370
00:16:32,388 --> 00:16:34,698
don't know what the fuck you're
talking about and go on with your day.

371
00:16:34,698 --> 00:16:35,058
Right?

372
00:16:35,058 --> 00:16:36,388
You, you ignore it.

373
00:16:37,168 --> 00:16:40,408
In the situation where that lady said
something at the school, I actually did

374
00:16:40,408 --> 00:16:44,648
say something to the director at the
school I did make a comment because I

375
00:16:44,648 --> 00:16:49,098
feel like she needs to be put in check
a bit and not be, around young kids.

376
00:16:49,098 --> 00:16:52,588
Cause she obviously does not have
the patience and does not have

377
00:16:52,588 --> 00:16:55,318
that teacher mindset where you're
meant to encourage children.

378
00:16:55,538 --> 00:16:59,138
So I did make a statement about
her comments because I saw how it

379
00:16:59,138 --> 00:17:00,248
was affecting this other mom too.

380
00:17:00,278 --> 00:17:03,708
And luckily they do record,
videos in all the classrooms.

381
00:17:03,708 --> 00:17:05,928
So they were able to go
back to that interaction.

382
00:17:05,928 --> 00:17:08,628
I had that morning where she made the
comment about my son's potty training.

383
00:17:08,658 --> 00:17:10,338
That was like, not very encouraging.

384
00:17:10,338 --> 00:17:12,048
So it sounds like a minimal thing.

385
00:17:12,048 --> 00:17:15,398
And I do feel like a whistleblower in
some ways, but also there were some

386
00:17:15,428 --> 00:17:17,768
other instances with this lady that
she, she just needs to be in check.

387
00:17:17,768 --> 00:17:21,098
She does, if she's the admin, she needs to
stay an admin and not be in the classroom.

388
00:17:21,098 --> 00:17:24,748
And I just made that known that I
don't feel comfortable with her being.

389
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:26,940
A leader in one of the
classrooms my son is in.

390
00:17:26,990 --> 00:17:30,600
Anyway, I think that might be a separate,
solution, but it is something like

391
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:34,540
where I'm sticking up for what I think
which is a big step for me, honestly.

392
00:17:34,540 --> 00:17:36,970
Like I come from being like
a classic people pleaser.

393
00:17:36,970 --> 00:17:42,010
It's hard for me to speak up for myself
or say things and I hate confrontation.

394
00:17:42,010 --> 00:17:42,640
I hate it.

395
00:17:42,910 --> 00:17:45,070
It was super uncomfortable when
I had this discussion with the

396
00:17:45,070 --> 00:17:46,480
directors about this situation.

397
00:17:46,510 --> 00:17:46,780
But.

398
00:17:47,350 --> 00:17:51,400
I am glad that I did say something
because like I said, talking to that

399
00:17:51,430 --> 00:17:53,780
other mother, seeing the pain in her.

400
00:17:54,123 --> 00:17:55,793
Just really it bothered me too much.

401
00:17:55,793 --> 00:17:56,823
I could not, not say something.

402
00:17:57,623 --> 00:18:02,453
And so the message I want to present
to you is really just holding onto that

403
00:18:02,483 --> 00:18:06,143
vision of yourself and also building
up that self-worth and knowing that

404
00:18:06,143 --> 00:18:10,493
you have got to take care of yourself
and stay strong in your belief in

405
00:18:10,493 --> 00:18:15,823
knowing that you don't let these
negative comments guilt trip you.

406
00:18:16,313 --> 00:18:19,343
You need to let these people, if they
have these comments or these things,

407
00:18:19,343 --> 00:18:22,673
like the people online that might be
saying some shit and making you feel

408
00:18:22,673 --> 00:18:26,033
guilty and questioning your parenting,
I want you to ask yourself this,

409
00:18:26,033 --> 00:18:26,953
am I loving my child?

410
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:31,733
Am I taking care of myself so I can be
the best version of myself for my child?

411
00:18:32,003 --> 00:18:34,403
Am I setting a good example for
my child and showing them what

412
00:18:34,403 --> 00:18:36,173
it means to take care of myself?

413
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:40,553
Am I providing a stable home for my child?

414
00:18:41,423 --> 00:18:42,853
Am I there when my child needs me?

415
00:18:44,513 --> 00:18:47,273
Like, those are the questions
you need to be asking yourself.

416
00:18:47,353 --> 00:18:51,613
Not am I feeding my kid a variety
of different meals every single day

417
00:18:51,613 --> 00:18:53,053
that are fully organic and homemade?

418
00:18:53,053 --> 00:18:55,483
Like, okay, if you can
do that, that is amazing.

419
00:18:55,633 --> 00:18:57,313
But also do the best you can.

420
00:18:57,313 --> 00:18:59,173
If you're feeding your
child, that's what matters.

421
00:18:59,173 --> 00:19:04,163
It goes back to like the same, controversy
over breastfeeding or formula fed babies.

422
00:19:04,163 --> 00:19:05,723
Like the babies are getting fed.

423
00:19:05,723 --> 00:19:06,563
That's what matters.

424
00:19:07,373 --> 00:19:07,793
Right.

425
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:09,923
So if you can breastfeed, that's great.

426
00:19:09,923 --> 00:19:12,503
And if you, if you have trouble,
you can't, or you don't want

427
00:19:12,503 --> 00:19:15,053
to that's okay, too, as long as
you're feeding your baby, right.

428
00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:15,593
That's what matters.

429
00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:17,153
So.

430
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:21,233
Fuck everybody else that tries
to give you their opinion.

431
00:19:21,443 --> 00:19:23,393
If you are loving your child,
you're doing your best.

432
00:19:24,053 --> 00:19:25,493
You're showing up every day.

433
00:19:25,913 --> 00:19:29,973
And, realizing that you do
deserve to take care of yourself.

434
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:34,293
You do deserve to have that, and holding
onto that vision of yourself and not

435
00:19:34,293 --> 00:19:36,183
letting anything come in the way of that.

436
00:19:36,183 --> 00:19:38,103
Growing, in your confidence and knowing.

437
00:19:38,773 --> 00:19:40,693
So you won't be swayed, so
you don't doubt yourself.

438
00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:45,196
I just think it's so important because
like I said, I know when I talked

439
00:19:45,196 --> 00:19:47,866
to that woman, like both of these
women, that these conversations, like

440
00:19:47,866 --> 00:19:53,756
you can hear the pain and that guilt
that they were feeling and it sucks.

441
00:19:53,966 --> 00:19:58,946
And I just want to open your eyes, like
if you have felt that guilt, and felt so

442
00:19:58,946 --> 00:20:00,356
bad about yourself, about your parenting.

443
00:20:00,356 --> 00:20:04,526
Like really dig deep and realize what
really matters and ask those questions

444
00:20:04,526 --> 00:20:06,376
I stated a little bit ago, you know?

445
00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:11,216
If you are showing up every day and doing
your best, if you are setting a good

446
00:20:11,216 --> 00:20:14,066
example for your children, by showing them
what it means to take care of yourself

447
00:20:14,066 --> 00:20:15,686
by setting boundaries for yourself.

448
00:20:16,166 --> 00:20:20,766
By showing up as your best self and
just showing them love and reminding

449
00:20:20,766 --> 00:20:23,310
your child that you're there for
them, like being there for your child,

450
00:20:23,310 --> 00:20:24,360
like spending time with your child.

451
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:27,300
That's what matters over having
a perfectly clean home, right?

452
00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:27,530
Like.

453
00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:31,410
We get so caught up on these things that
we have to do and keeping up appearances.

454
00:20:31,410 --> 00:20:33,420
And it's like, that's not what
really matters to a child.

455
00:20:33,420 --> 00:20:35,220
Like they just want to
spend time with you.

456
00:20:35,220 --> 00:20:38,730
They want to feel heard and seen just
like we wanna feel heard and seen, and

457
00:20:38,730 --> 00:20:41,550
seen, and we want the round of applause
and standing ovation when we come to

458
00:20:41,550 --> 00:20:42,650
the dinner table with dinner made.

459
00:20:42,810 --> 00:20:43,130
Right.

460
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:45,300
Like that's it.

461
00:20:45,390 --> 00:20:46,230
It's so simple.

462
00:20:46,230 --> 00:20:47,430
It doesn't have to be complicated.

463
00:20:47,430 --> 00:20:49,000
We don't need to take
on all this negativity.

464
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,990
We can you know, simple as
Lao-Tzu says, just ignore it.

465
00:20:52,740 --> 00:20:56,610
There is something to be said about
putting those blockers on and ignoring

466
00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:00,990
the bullshit that people want to try
to tell you and staying secure and

467
00:21:00,990 --> 00:21:03,870
knowing that you are doing your best
and that you are a damn good mom.

468
00:21:04,170 --> 00:21:07,210
So say peace out to all
those guilt trippers!

469
00:21:07,890 --> 00:21:11,370
Tell em to sit the F
down, mind their business.

470
00:21:11,580 --> 00:21:12,410
We got this.

471
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,860
This episode was for all my
moms know that I love you.

472
00:21:14,860 --> 00:21:15,580
I support you.

473
00:21:15,580 --> 00:21:16,640
I am here for you!

474
00:21:16,773 --> 00:21:20,613
Reach out for anything, any comments
about this, any stories that you

475
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:23,493
might have of when people may have
tried to guilt trip you on some

476
00:21:23,493 --> 00:21:24,513
of the things that you're doing?

477
00:21:24,823 --> 00:21:29,953
And just, know, that you are so
deserving, so deserving of having

478
00:21:29,953 --> 00:21:34,513
everything you want, of feeling fulfilled
of being happy of living joyfully.

479
00:21:35,173 --> 00:21:36,763
Like you deserve that.

480
00:21:37,003 --> 00:21:40,213
That is your God given right.

481
00:21:40,213 --> 00:21:44,323
You deserve that just by being here,
there's nothing you have to do.

482
00:21:44,683 --> 00:21:45,643
You deserve that.

483
00:21:46,433 --> 00:21:47,483
It's nothing you have to earn.

484
00:21:47,513 --> 00:21:50,723
That's just your God given
right to live a joyful life.

485
00:21:50,723 --> 00:21:51,213
Okay?

486
00:21:51,843 --> 00:21:56,083
You can find me on Facebook or
Instagram at Chelsea dot VanBuskirk.

487
00:21:56,103 --> 00:22:00,543
Or you can visit me on my website,
ChelseaVanBuskirk.com you can

488
00:22:00,543 --> 00:22:02,343
use the contact me form on there.

489
00:22:02,643 --> 00:22:04,023
Reach out, let me know what's up.

490
00:22:04,023 --> 00:22:07,143
How you doing, how you livin'
and I'll see you guys next week.

491
00:22:07,353 --> 00:22:07,893
Peace.