4. Painful Addictions - Numbing the pain of hard truths can be a path that leads to addiction.

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Hey, everybody, what's up.

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This is Chelsea with the heart AF podcast.

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Hope everyone is doing well.

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I wanted to get a little deep with
you today on a little bit of my past.

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So my mother was an addict and if
you've ever had someone in your life

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that you love, who is an addict.

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That relationship can be very
challenging, especially when that

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relationship is with one of your parents.

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Because

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life with an addict is just, it's
hard because you love the person

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you want the person to get better.

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And you still you know, have moments where
you're enjoying their company and you

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still have kind of this good relationship.

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And you can see as the addiction starts to
take over and get worse and worse, where.

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They typically start
acting, out of character,

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but addicts are pretty
notorious for being very good

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manipulators and very good liars.

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They're very good at playing the victim.

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They're very good at hurting
the people they love because,

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you know,

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we just want so much
for them to get better.

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We wanna believe that
they're, getting help.

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We wanna believe that they're gonna
be able to kick this addiction.

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And so many times we
can, get our hopes up or

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we

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take them to rehab and then they relapse,

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It just very hard because
you just get, let down

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repeatedly.

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And anyway, I know a lot of different
people that I'm close with that have

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also had struggles with having an
addict in their life, whether it's

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a parent or just somebody close,

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you know,

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it's not fun.

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And you lose a lot of people when
they succumb to their addictions.

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I know people who haven't talked to
their children in years don't even

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know if their children are still alive
or not, because they've lost them,

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through that road of addiction.

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And sometimes addicts
don't even know, that they

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cause this, trail of destruction.

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If you have a story or if there are
things that you've struggled with

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in your life with having somebody,

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as an addict,

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I welcome you to share that with me,
either through a personal message

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or through a comment or something.

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I think it's just good to know that
you're not alone and that there's

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so many other people who struggle

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with having somebody that they love,
who is an addict, and it can be very

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hard to really be able to vocalize
those struggles that you have,

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and the truth of it is that

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no one can force an addict
to get help and get sober.

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That has to be the addict themselves.

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They have to come to that realization.

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They have to be able to
make that choice themselves.

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And,

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It's a hard fight.

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And I do know,

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Some amazing people who have,

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recovered, who are sober and have
been sober for many years and are

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living life and doing amazing
things because they've overcome

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and they've beat their addictions

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And,

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For me, my mother's addiction,

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Started when I was a young child and there
was a lot of situations I was put in as

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a young child, very traumatic situations.

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And,

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It didn't stop.

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It just

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Got worse

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as her life progressed.

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And

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I grew up without my mom around and.

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As a child, you're always wondering,

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you know,

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why am I not good enough?

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Why doesn't my mom love
me enough to be sober?

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And it's hard for a
child mind to understand.

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I mean,

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I don't even think I came to the
realization that my mom was an

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addict until I was in middle school.

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And,

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Before then I just thought
she was rather strange.

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And I thought I had a
very weird situation.

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You know,

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I only saw my mom, once or twice a year.

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I think because I was affected
as a child of an addict so much,

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I always had a longing to learn
as much as I can about addicts.

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You know,

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why they do it.

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And at this point in my life,

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at this age

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I've come to realization
that a lot of it comes to.

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almost self hatred.

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Like maybe you've made mistakes in
your life, or maybe you're unhappy

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about certain situations in your life.

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And so to numb those painful feelings

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That's

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where I feel like addiction
can sometimes start.

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I'm not saying this is every situation.

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I just have analyzed a lot
about my mother's situation.

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And

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for my perspective, I can see that perhaps
her addiction started from wanting to

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numb a lot of the pain she was feeling.

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And.

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Then because she did a lot of things while
she was intoxicated while she was high.

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You know,

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Getting in accidents with
her children in the car

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and getting her children taken away
from her having, my half brother

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adopted, when he was a baby,
giving up her parental rights.

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I mean,

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as woman as a mother, like actually
accepting that you made choices

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where you lost your kids, can
be hard to accept of yourself.

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And from my perspective.

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It feels like

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that would be very hard to
overcome and accept and be okay to

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get on with life, accepting that you made
bad choices where you lost your children.

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Like instead of doing that.

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it's better to just keep numbing
yourself and keep pretending

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that you're not really an addict.

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You don't really have a problem.

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And so my mom's story was that she was
always this victim and she was sick.

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That was always like the cover

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she was just really sick.

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She had a brain injury and I'll tell
you, I've known people that have had,

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TBIs, which are traumatic brain
injuries, but what my mom was doing

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was not the cause of a brain injury.

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My mom's behavior was an
addict being intoxicated.

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My mother's drug of choice
were prescription pills.

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She had a bunch of
different types of pills,

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you know,

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anything, from,

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antidepressant pain pills, tranquilizers,

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Opiates, those kinds of things.

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That, that was her drug of choice.

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And,

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and of course,

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you know,

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you mix those

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and,

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and things can get

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really, really,

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Weird.

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I experienced lots of times of her,
just being completely incapacitated.

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And, it's very hard.

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To talk about all these pieces of my past

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my dad got custody of me when
I was, in kindergarten and,

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So

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Overall.

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I feel like I had a
pretty normal childhood,

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because I just didn't know that she
was an addict until later in life.

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As a child, you don't understand.

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Alls I knew in my child mind was
that my mom was not around anymore.

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And why not?

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Like,

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why don't I see my mom as
much as everybody else?

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Why doesn't my mom?

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live Here.

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Why don't I stay with my mom?

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Why does my dad have
primary custody of me?

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I didn't realize all those things,

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you know?

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I

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mean,

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when you're a kid, you don't
really know all the pieces and you

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just

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kind of

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make these assumptions in your head of

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what's really going on.

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You don't know,

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until you do.

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And, at this point in time in my life now,
as an adult woman, as a mother, I can.

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see How she went down that path of, not
wanting to deal with the reality of the

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choices she made and not wanting to deal
with the danger she put her children

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in it and not being able to deal with,

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Abandoning her children,
not being able to deal with,

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having your children taken away.

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You know,

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leaving her husband because he was in
an accident and became a quadriplegic,

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like all those little things.

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Just fed that addiction, like wanting
her to stay in that cycle, wanting

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to numb and not be in the reality.

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And also coming up with these stories.

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These kind of manipulations,
again, I think is part of the

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addiction where, she was sick.

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She had a brain injury and
so she needed medicine.

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And so all these episodes, she would
have, being high or overdosing.

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It was because of her brain injury.

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Even her mom, my grandma
would be like, oh,

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she's just sick.

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She got in that car accident and,

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she got her brain injury . And later in
life I'm like, oh my gosh, what bullshit.

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And,

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I mean,

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I feel like this all ties into
like really the big overall message

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of this podcast, which is about.

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Not constricting yourself or trying to fit
into boxes just to please other people.

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It's really important to just be
who you are and to stop seeking

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external validations and really just
be okay with yourself and internally,

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love yourself no matter what mistakes
you make, because every mistake you

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make is a new lesson to be learned.

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Literally.

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I'm so thankful I had the mom I did, who
had these addiction problems that drove

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me to research addiction that drove me,

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to continue this journey of like,
why is this stuff happening to me?

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Before my dad got custody of me,

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I think I was five.

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My brother had just turned one.

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It was just after
Christmas, we were driving,

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To Denver, Colorado back home
from a Christmas with my

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mom's parents in Missouri.

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So it was a 12 hour car trip and
we were on our way back home.

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My family watched my mom drive
off with us in the car, like

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swerving, no one said anything.

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You just

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kind of, you know,

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bye

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like, you know,

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I remember my aunt telling me the
story later and just her being like,

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you know,

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I don't know why we didn't, I don't know,

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like.

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I think

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it's just so hard.

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And I think a lot of people can
relate to that is there's these

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kind of like family dynamics and

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these like kind of pressures where you
feel like you have to behave in certain

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ways because of how like your parents
raised you and there's this kind of,

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there's this fear that's instilled in you.

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And some of that might be like religious
fear and it can really paralyze a

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person from making choices that maybe
they wanna make and they feel like

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they have to make other choices.

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And,

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That could be a whole other
topic to discuss, which I would

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like to talk on another time.

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But moving forward with this story,

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You know,

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I don't think we were on the road for an
hour before my mom had flipped the car.

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And luckily

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the highways were on
two sides of the road.

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So when

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, she had flipped the car and landed upside
down we landed in like the median And

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so, you know,

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I thank God that we did not end up on
that other side of the highway where

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another car could have collided with us.

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We landed in the median.

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I flew through the windshield
because I wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

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I was laying down in the back seat,

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Sleeping and.

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you know,

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five year old doesn't know,

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and my mom's obviously not
aware, paying attention, but

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I had,

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Undid my seatbelt to lay
more comfortably flat,

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so

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my head was cracked open.

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Like it was a pretty significant,

256
00:09:12,975 --> 00:09:13,798
car wreck and,

257
00:09:13,798 --> 00:09:14,305
I think my

258
00:09:14,405 --> 00:09:14,915
Baby brother

259
00:09:14,915 --> 00:09:15,575
was in his car seat.

260
00:09:15,575 --> 00:09:16,794
The car seat kept him fine.

261
00:09:16,796 --> 00:09:18,501
And then my mom just had
like a scratch or bruise.

262
00:09:18,556 --> 00:09:19,036
She was fine.

263
00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:23,056
This was the accident where I think my
dad was like, oh, I need to do something.

264
00:09:23,061 --> 00:09:24,046
I need to get custody.

265
00:09:24,051 --> 00:09:26,775
And I think it was shortly after
that time period that we both, you

266
00:09:26,805 --> 00:09:28,905
know, be began living with our dads.

267
00:09:28,910 --> 00:09:30,405
And I think even at.

268
00:09:30,911 --> 00:09:34,661
The custody hearing of, my
dad getting full custody.

269
00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:36,881
My mom didn't even show up
because she was in jail.

270
00:09:36,881 --> 00:09:41,471
So, you know, pretty easy
custody hearing there.

271
00:09:41,691 --> 00:09:42,801
so that was kinda my early childhood.

272
00:09:42,801 --> 00:09:44,991
Before, you know, my
dad got custody of me.

273
00:09:44,991 --> 00:09:47,481
There was lots of
incidences that happened.

274
00:09:47,481 --> 00:09:51,237
Like I can remember, you know, my mom
like backing up into a closed garage.

275
00:09:51,237 --> 00:09:53,667
Like she was inside the garage,
started the car and backed up

276
00:09:53,672 --> 00:09:55,038
into the closed garage door.

277
00:09:55,038 --> 00:09:57,732
Or getting left at some kind of
like church program or something.

278
00:09:57,737 --> 00:09:59,442
And my mom never came back to pick me up.

279
00:09:59,448 --> 00:10:01,032
And it's like, you remember
that as a little child?

280
00:10:01,032 --> 00:10:03,647
I remember , she didn't show up
and I was the last person there and

281
00:10:03,652 --> 00:10:05,147
it was like dark and getting late.

282
00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:08,157
And I remember, a neighbor took me and
I spent the night at a neighbor's house.

283
00:10:08,157 --> 00:10:11,457
I mean, it's crazy that I
have some of those memories.

284
00:10:11,464 --> 00:10:12,599
And just, you know, luckily, my.

285
00:10:12,599 --> 00:10:13,829
dad Came in.

286
00:10:13,849 --> 00:10:16,849
And I, I lived with my dad and it
was like a stable home and I was just

287
00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:19,619
going to school and then it became,
the only abnormality was my dad was

288
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,566
in a wheelchair And I think in early
adulthood too, I always wanted to

289
00:10:22,566 --> 00:10:26,556
avoid the fact that I did have kind
of a traumatic upbringing or always

290
00:10:26,556 --> 00:10:29,796
wanna say, oh, there's so many kids
out there that have it so much worse.

291
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:32,556
And, and so really my
story's not that bad.

292
00:10:32,606 --> 00:10:36,726
And I think that's the thing too, is we
wanna hide from our past or hide from

293
00:10:36,726 --> 00:10:40,291
the traumas we've experienced, because
we think it makes us tainted or it makes

294
00:10:40,291 --> 00:10:43,121
us broken or like we're a bruised apple.

295
00:10:43,121 --> 00:10:45,041
Like no one wants to pick a bruised apple.

296
00:10:45,041 --> 00:10:47,501
They want the nice, shiny,
smooth apple kind of a thing.

297
00:10:47,506 --> 00:10:50,075
And and the thing is we
shouldn't hide from who we are.

298
00:10:50,075 --> 00:10:51,875
We shouldn't hide from those experiences.

299
00:10:51,925 --> 00:10:53,425
I think it's just one of those
things where you just wanna

300
00:10:53,425 --> 00:10:56,005
downplay it or you don't really
wanna bring it up or talk about it.

301
00:10:56,415 --> 00:10:59,805
And you know, growing up, I
was always kind of chasing

302
00:10:59,805 --> 00:11:00,945
that relationship with my mom.

303
00:11:00,945 --> 00:11:03,805
There was this seed of anger that
was planted in me at a very young age,

304
00:11:03,810 --> 00:11:07,615
because I was so angry at the fact
that why wasn't my mom here and why

305
00:11:07,615 --> 00:11:09,295
is my grandma here instead of her?

306
00:11:09,325 --> 00:11:11,305
Like I had a mom, why wasn't she there?

307
00:11:11,310 --> 00:11:11,785
You know?

308
00:11:11,785 --> 00:11:17,585
And I feel like there's just this degree
of feeling like an outcast or just

309
00:11:17,585 --> 00:11:19,445
that there's something wrong with you.

310
00:11:19,445 --> 00:11:20,755
If your mom's not in your.

311
00:11:20,755 --> 00:11:22,490
life You know what I mean?

312
00:11:22,490 --> 00:11:24,050
Like, there's just something about that.

313
00:11:24,050 --> 00:11:27,770
Like being discarded by your own
mom, it hurts and I shouldn't say

314
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:30,525
just the mother, it could be a father
too that left you whatever it is.

315
00:11:30,525 --> 00:11:35,985
If there's a parent who just
didn't want you, it affects you.

316
00:11:35,990 --> 00:11:38,805
And it definitely, I think, affects
your self worth and you're always

317
00:11:39,245 --> 00:11:41,085
questioning why, like you want answers.

318
00:11:41,085 --> 00:11:41,895
And so.

319
00:11:42,155 --> 00:11:45,455
As I grew up and as I was let down
again and again, like thinking,

320
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:48,985
you know, this visit with my mom,
we're gonna have this awesome time.

321
00:11:48,985 --> 00:11:50,365
Like she's gonna be sober.

322
00:11:50,765 --> 00:11:51,695
It'll be great.

323
00:11:51,969 --> 00:11:53,859
I remember I'll tell you this story once.

324
00:11:53,871 --> 00:11:55,232
I went to go visit her.

325
00:11:55,262 --> 00:11:58,322
It was like for a long weekend, I was
going for one of my sister's birthdays.

326
00:11:58,322 --> 00:12:00,152
And I thought it'd be fun to just
spend a long weekend, you know,

327
00:12:00,152 --> 00:12:02,531
begged my dad to get me , the
plane, ticket out, to go visit her.

328
00:12:02,571 --> 00:12:05,211
I remember her picking me up and
just crying because she just looked

329
00:12:05,211 --> 00:12:08,851
horrible and we took the bus and the
first stop was at a dentist office.

330
00:12:09,301 --> 00:12:10,721
And heads up.

331
00:12:10,726 --> 00:12:15,551
If you don't know, dentist office are
a very big clue to anybody who might be

332
00:12:15,551 --> 00:12:20,145
abusing prescription pills, because it's
like a great spot to go and get dental

333
00:12:20,145 --> 00:12:21,825
work done, and then get those pain pills.

334
00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:23,505
And that's exactly what she was doing.

335
00:12:23,505 --> 00:12:25,005
All I know is that she got.

336
00:12:25,965 --> 00:12:28,185
Stuff and got some scripts afterwards.

337
00:12:28,185 --> 00:12:31,065
I was only there for a short period
and we were supposed to plan a mother

338
00:12:31,065 --> 00:12:33,956
daughter dinner one of the nights.

339
00:12:33,956 --> 00:12:37,466
And so she's like, , we'll go have like
a nice mother daughter, like date night

340
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:38,936
and we'll go have dinner somewhere.

341
00:12:39,596 --> 00:12:41,223
So, she couldn't drive.

342
00:12:41,943 --> 00:12:44,373
Surprise surprise, . I mean, she didn't
have a license and I think I was 15.

343
00:12:44,373 --> 00:12:45,243
I had a permit.

344
00:12:45,693 --> 00:12:47,808
And so, I drove and.

345
00:12:47,858 --> 00:12:49,044
So We go into this place.

346
00:12:49,044 --> 00:12:52,316
And we ordered food and what, I
didn't know when we first got,

347
00:12:52,316 --> 00:12:53,456
there was, it actually was a bar.

348
00:12:53,456 --> 00:12:55,136
It was one of those places
where you could go and eat.

349
00:12:55,136 --> 00:12:57,731
But then like at a certain time
they started IDing people at the

350
00:12:57,731 --> 00:13:00,791
door and they had like, you know,
a band and it kind of turned into

351
00:13:00,796 --> 00:13:02,681
more like a nightclub bar situation.

352
00:13:02,681 --> 00:13:06,593
So I remember being there with
her and they gave me a wristband

353
00:13:06,598 --> 00:13:07,823
since I was already there.

354
00:13:08,363 --> 00:13:13,319
And because I had this wristband, like
I was 21, even though I was 15 with my

355
00:13:13,319 --> 00:13:16,859
mom and you know, she's drinking and,
and she's like, you should order a drink.

356
00:13:16,859 --> 00:13:17,784
I'm like, I don't even know what to drink.

357
00:13:17,784 --> 00:13:21,024
Like I've never really, like, at this
point I never really drank before.

358
00:13:21,079 --> 00:13:23,542
And I I remember ordering a
white Russian or something, she

359
00:13:23,542 --> 00:13:24,502
was like, oh, you'll like it.

360
00:13:24,502 --> 00:13:27,562
And so I remember drinking one of
those and feeling cool, cause I'm a

361
00:13:27,562 --> 00:13:29,422
15 year old that people think I'm 21.

362
00:13:29,422 --> 00:13:29,752
Right.

363
00:13:29,752 --> 00:13:31,522
So it was kind of cool.

364
00:13:31,522 --> 00:13:33,652
But at the same time, I was a little
disappointed that I didn't get that one

365
00:13:33,657 --> 00:13:37,102
on one time I was kind of thinking with
my mom and then it went from that to just

366
00:13:37,102 --> 00:13:40,882
much, much worse because as the night
got on, my mom got worse and worse just

367
00:13:40,882 --> 00:13:44,082
getting like fucked up, , and I remember
looking over at one point, you know, I'm

368
00:13:44,082 --> 00:13:47,182
just sitting there, watching her dancing
and like kind of taken off her shirt and

369
00:13:47,192 --> 00:13:49,172
, not the way you really wanna see your mom.

370
00:13:49,172 --> 00:13:49,532
Okay.

371
00:13:49,532 --> 00:13:51,992
Like we all have a wild
side, I'm no judgment.

372
00:13:51,992 --> 00:13:54,932
Like I'm the last one to
judge that kind of behavior.

373
00:13:54,937 --> 00:13:58,767
But when you're with your daughter, I
mean, it's just, questionable behavior.

374
00:13:58,767 --> 00:14:02,787
And so I'm sitting there watching her,
like, okay, like we should probably go and

375
00:14:02,787 --> 00:14:05,052
she's like, Will you come outside with me.

376
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:06,252
And so we're outside.

377
00:14:06,252 --> 00:14:10,267
And she was talking to these guys and they
were kind of passing around like a joint.

378
00:14:10,597 --> 00:14:13,689
And I remember it got passed to
me and I think I had smoked pot

379
00:14:13,689 --> 00:14:15,039
before at this point in my life,

380
00:14:15,054 --> 00:14:18,225
maybe it was once or twice before,
and I just remember, , I did take a

381
00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:21,195
hit cuz peer pressure, I don't know,
whatever I'm with my mom, you know,

382
00:14:21,214 --> 00:14:25,199
it's hard to be the most responsible
one at 15, you know, like you don't

383
00:14:25,199 --> 00:14:26,879
make the best decisions at 15.

384
00:14:26,969 --> 00:14:29,023
And so I started feeling really weird.

385
00:14:29,053 --> 00:14:30,463
Like something was not right.

386
00:14:30,463 --> 00:14:32,893
I was starting to get like, super
scared I felt like my heart was

387
00:14:32,893 --> 00:14:35,473
beating out of my chest and I was
like, I don't think that was just pot.

388
00:14:35,473 --> 00:14:37,243
I think that might have been
laced Like, I don't know, like

389
00:14:37,248 --> 00:14:38,443
I'm feeling really, really weird.

390
00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:41,473
And I remember, I just walked back
to the truck I had driven and I just

391
00:14:41,473 --> 00:14:44,333
remember laying there and freaking
out, like in my head, oh my God,

392
00:14:44,393 --> 00:14:45,533
do I need to go to the hospital?

393
00:14:45,533 --> 00:14:46,793
What's gonna happen if I go
to the hospital, I'm never

394
00:14:46,793 --> 00:14:47,603
gonna see my mom again.

395
00:14:47,603 --> 00:14:48,683
Is my mom gonna get in trouble?

396
00:14:48,683 --> 00:14:49,673
Is she gonna go back to jail?

397
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:50,893
I don't know what's gonna happen.

398
00:14:50,943 --> 00:14:51,974
Freaking out.

399
00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:55,004
I did not know what to do.

400
00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:58,904
And I remember calling one of like my
friends who was a pothead back home and

401
00:14:58,909 --> 00:15:01,036
I was like, Hey like, am I gonna be okay?

402
00:15:01,036 --> 00:15:03,221
Do you think this was laced Like, I
don't really feel like this is what you

403
00:15:03,221 --> 00:15:05,861
feel like when you just smoke pot and
they were so sweet to me and they were

404
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:08,231
like, no, you probably just need to
like, drink, drink lots of water and

405
00:15:08,231 --> 00:15:10,851
get some like food in you or something
you know, just kind of sleep it off.

406
00:15:10,901 --> 00:15:11,681
Just, , stay calm.

407
00:15:11,681 --> 00:15:12,341
Like you're fine.

408
00:15:12,341 --> 00:15:12,431
And.

409
00:15:13,151 --> 00:15:16,511
I remember my mom, like finally got in the
car and she was kind of like mad at me.

410
00:15:16,511 --> 00:15:18,941
Like I just left her and I'm
like, well, I'm ready to go.

411
00:15:18,941 --> 00:15:22,031
And I was terrified because I still
had to drive back to her place.

412
00:15:22,031 --> 00:15:25,751
And you know, I'm in a town
that I am not living in, so

413
00:15:25,751 --> 00:15:26,621
I don't know where I'm going.

414
00:15:26,621 --> 00:15:27,761
I just remember being terrified.

415
00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:32,361
We made it back to her place and she lived
like in a duplex type situation or she

416
00:15:32,361 --> 00:15:36,081
lived next door to somebody and I remember
going straight to their house and it was

417
00:15:36,081 --> 00:15:38,014
like, a group of snowboarder dudes.

418
00:15:38,014 --> 00:15:41,117
Cause it was Lake Tahoe and I just was
like, Hey, do you guys have any bread?

419
00:15:41,117 --> 00:15:43,832
Like I smoked something I don't know
what it was, but I'm feeling really weird.

420
00:15:43,832 --> 00:15:44,777
And my mom's messed up.

421
00:15:44,817 --> 00:15:45,687
, can you help me?

422
00:15:45,687 --> 00:15:47,484
And so they let me in and.

423
00:15:47,484 --> 00:15:49,434
I remember like the alls
they had was tortillas.

424
00:15:49,434 --> 00:15:50,934
And so I remember eating a tortilla.

425
00:15:50,934 --> 00:15:54,444
My mom comes in and then she is like,
, you need to come back over to our house.

426
00:15:54,444 --> 00:15:55,284
And I'm like, okay.

427
00:15:55,334 --> 00:15:58,154
so we go back over to her house
and I was supposed to leave

428
00:15:58,154 --> 00:15:59,444
for the airport the next day.

429
00:15:59,444 --> 00:16:03,160
And she wouldn't wake up when it was
time to wake up for the airport and.

430
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:06,360
My stepdad got her into the car
and, they ended up taking me

431
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,470
and dropping me off, but I just
remember the car ride over there.

432
00:16:08,490 --> 00:16:10,110
She was completely fucked up.

433
00:16:10,557 --> 00:16:13,195
I remember my stepdad at the
time was like holding the thin

434
00:16:13,195 --> 00:16:16,455
air like this and offering my
mom, do you want a piece of gum?

435
00:16:16,455 --> 00:16:20,170
And you know, my mom was reaching for
the air, like trying to grab a piece of

436
00:16:20,170 --> 00:16:21,605
gum when there was no piece of gum there.

437
00:16:21,605 --> 00:16:24,455
He was literally just playing with
the fact that she was that fucked up.

438
00:16:25,115 --> 00:16:26,525
And that's how I left her that trip.

439
00:16:26,555 --> 00:16:28,595
And that's just one out of many instances.

440
00:16:28,595 --> 00:16:30,575
There's just so much, so much stuff.

441
00:16:31,075 --> 00:16:34,105
I think one of the last times I
saw her was after high school.

442
00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:38,431
And me and my now husband had taken
a road trip together and we decided

443
00:16:38,436 --> 00:16:41,746
to drive down to Alabama where
she was living at the time and to

444
00:16:41,746 --> 00:16:43,546
go see my sisters and to see her.

445
00:16:43,546 --> 00:16:45,851
And she ended up to the
hospital while we were there.

446
00:16:45,851 --> 00:16:49,601
And I remember when we left that time, I
said goodbye to her in the hospital room.

447
00:16:49,601 --> 00:16:54,626
And I remember trying to tell the nurses
like, Hey, You know, she's an addict.

448
00:16:54,626 --> 00:16:57,414
And again, , it's just, it just
sucks because it's your mom.

449
00:16:57,984 --> 00:17:01,374
Like, I want to have a mom in my life,

450
00:17:01,374 --> 00:17:08,484
I was, I was in college and she had been
staying at like a women's shelter and she

451
00:17:08,484 --> 00:17:12,324
was like, what if I come back to Colorado
and you know, I can live with you and

452
00:17:12,324 --> 00:17:16,734
your dad and I'm like, yeah, absolutely
like did not talk to my dad at all.

453
00:17:16,734 --> 00:17:18,834
And I'm like, if she just gets
her, I can totally talk to my dad

454
00:17:18,834 --> 00:17:20,014
into letting her stay, you know?

455
00:17:20,374 --> 00:17:23,584
So she gets on a bus to, to
come from Alabama to Denver.

456
00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:25,054
And in my head, I'm like,
this is gonna be awesome.

457
00:17:25,104 --> 00:17:26,184
I'm gonna take care of her.

458
00:17:26,184 --> 00:17:27,594
I'm gonna make sure she gets sober.

459
00:17:27,594 --> 00:17:28,949
I'm gonna be able to watch her.

460
00:17:28,949 --> 00:17:30,509
Like, this is gonna be great.

461
00:17:30,509 --> 00:17:32,129
We're finally gonna
have this relationship.

462
00:17:32,689 --> 00:17:36,049
And I was expecting to pick her and
my sisters up at the bus stop at like

463
00:17:36,079 --> 00:17:37,519
eight in the morning, the next day.

464
00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:41,869
And I think it was like 10 30
and my dad calls me and I knew

465
00:17:41,869 --> 00:17:43,339
right away something had happened.

466
00:17:43,339 --> 00:17:46,399
And I remember I was actually with
my husband at that moment too.

467
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:50,489
And I remember grabbing his shirt because
I was like, oh my gosh, she died, I

468
00:17:50,489 --> 00:17:54,659
just, I knew something happened, she
didn't die, but she did take a handful

469
00:17:54,839 --> 00:17:56,639
of pills as soon as she got on that bus.

470
00:17:56,669 --> 00:18:00,629
And so the bus barely made it
out of the next city in Alabama,

471
00:18:00,629 --> 00:18:03,689
before they had to pull over and
she was taken to the hospital.

472
00:18:04,079 --> 00:18:07,919
My sisters had to be taken, by the
authorities until their aunt could

473
00:18:07,919 --> 00:18:09,849
come and pick them up who lived nearby.

474
00:18:10,349 --> 00:18:11,909
So she never made to Colorado.

475
00:18:11,969 --> 00:18:13,139
I never did see her again.

476
00:18:13,669 --> 00:18:17,279
I feel for anybody who's lost, a
family member or someone they love to

477
00:18:17,279 --> 00:18:19,439
addiction because it's devastating.

478
00:18:19,779 --> 00:18:22,464
Because , you want them to get
help and you want them so bad

479
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:23,934
to just be themselves again.

480
00:18:23,934 --> 00:18:27,154
And I feel like it's similar to those
that , succumb to suicide, where they

481
00:18:27,154 --> 00:18:28,954
lose hope and they can't see out.

482
00:18:28,954 --> 00:18:33,447
And again, I feel like this is so tied in
with the message I'm trying to deliver,

483
00:18:33,447 --> 00:18:37,432
which is to just live as yourself and
to really like break through these,

484
00:18:37,937 --> 00:18:42,071
barriers that we put upon ourselves
because we're so afraid about what other

485
00:18:42,071 --> 00:18:43,951
people think, even our own families.

486
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:47,891
Like we're so afraid of disappointing
a family member, even if it's your

487
00:18:47,896 --> 00:18:51,946
own parents, we get so stuck in living
how we think we have to live, because

488
00:18:51,946 --> 00:18:55,996
whoever we are giving the power to,
to decide how we live our lives.

489
00:18:55,996 --> 00:18:57,962
Like, it shouldn't be like that.

490
00:18:57,962 --> 00:19:02,752
You really have to look outside
of that and really not give a fuck

491
00:19:02,752 --> 00:19:05,752
about what other people are gonna
think and really just focus on

492
00:19:05,752 --> 00:19:08,122
what kind of life you wanna live.

493
00:19:08,572 --> 00:19:11,542
You know, like I think about
people in their sexuality too.

494
00:19:11,542 --> 00:19:14,752
It's like, you're so afraid of
just being yourself and living

495
00:19:14,752 --> 00:19:19,012
like, whatever it is that makes
you happy and brings you to life.

496
00:19:19,067 --> 00:19:21,587
So many people would rather live
in that darkness and live this

497
00:19:21,587 --> 00:19:23,147
watered down version of yourself.

498
00:19:23,147 --> 00:19:27,067
Like just to please other people, or just
because you feel like you can't be your

499
00:19:27,072 --> 00:19:29,242
full self, because you wanna be accepted.

500
00:19:29,247 --> 00:19:36,167
And I think you just have to accept
yourself and break away from any toxic.

501
00:19:37,152 --> 00:19:39,942
people or things . Because if
you're not paying attention to

502
00:19:39,942 --> 00:19:41,172
that, then it can't hurt you.

503
00:19:41,172 --> 00:19:45,192
And then when you seclude yourself
from toxic people and you really

504
00:19:45,192 --> 00:19:49,872
love yourself and you embrace every
bit of you and you just live life as

505
00:19:49,872 --> 00:19:55,152
yourself, there are gonna be people
out there that see you, see the real

506
00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:57,557
you, and love you, just as you are.

507
00:19:58,247 --> 00:20:01,547
They will be attracted to you
because you are loving yourself.

508
00:20:01,547 --> 00:20:04,637
And you're finally showing yourself
because if you're showing yourself and

509
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:10,307
being yourself, then those other people
can see you and they will see you.

510
00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:15,107
And to really be seen
like that is amazing.

511
00:20:15,107 --> 00:20:18,917
Like it's such a great feeling
to really be seen and accepted.

512
00:20:19,277 --> 00:20:22,387
And there are people out there that
will see you and accept you for who

513
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:28,132
you are but you have to have the
balls to be that, and it's hard.

514
00:20:28,132 --> 00:20:33,172
And that is why this podcast is
heart as fuck, because it is hard

515
00:20:33,172 --> 00:20:36,172
as fuck to be who you truly are.

516
00:20:37,162 --> 00:20:42,312
And, I think about like, if my mom
could just be like, okay, so I fucked up.

517
00:20:42,312 --> 00:20:43,092
So what.

518
00:20:43,592 --> 00:20:47,042
I'm moving on now, you know, and I
shouldn't like make light because

519
00:20:47,042 --> 00:20:51,332
I know addiction is a serious thing
and I don't wanna make light of it

520
00:20:51,332 --> 00:20:55,537
or that it is an easy, , switch like
that , you know, but there's so many

521
00:20:55,537 --> 00:20:58,297
people who have gone through recovery
and have made it on the other side.

522
00:20:58,302 --> 00:21:01,527
And a lot of that has come
with finding that self love.

523
00:21:02,407 --> 00:21:07,237
And, and figuring out that inner power
and a lot of that comes from spiritual

524
00:21:07,237 --> 00:21:10,477
connections and really remembering like
where we came from and remembering our

525
00:21:10,477 --> 00:21:15,277
creator and like figuring out that there
is a purpose to all the things that we

526
00:21:15,277 --> 00:21:18,757
go through and experience, no matter
how painful and shitty they may be.

527
00:21:19,117 --> 00:21:20,917
Like, there is a reason for it.

528
00:21:21,907 --> 00:21:23,407
There's a lesson in it all.

529
00:21:23,767 --> 00:21:25,747
And sometimes it really sucks.

530
00:21:26,247 --> 00:21:28,977
It's really hard to get that
bigger perspective on life,

531
00:21:29,517 --> 00:21:33,776
especially when you're living in
this narrow, short focus, right?

532
00:21:33,776 --> 00:21:38,921
Like if you're focusing in, on all the
shitty parts of it or focused on other

533
00:21:38,921 --> 00:21:42,161
people's opinions of you or what they're
gonna think or wanting their approval.

534
00:21:42,161 --> 00:21:44,801
Like, if you're focused on
that, then that's all you see.

535
00:21:45,491 --> 00:21:50,711
And it really can be as easy as turning
the blinders on and like just cutting them

536
00:21:50,716 --> 00:21:55,751
out, like unfollowing 'em on social media,
like not being aware of what they are

537
00:21:55,761 --> 00:21:58,671
.
It really is that easy to live
in your own little world because

538
00:21:58,721 --> 00:22:00,821
your perception is your reality.

539
00:22:01,341 --> 00:22:05,751
So if you can really learn to have
that broader, wider perspective and

540
00:22:05,751 --> 00:22:10,201
like not be so focused on all these
things and just see there's a bigger

541
00:22:10,201 --> 00:22:13,651
view, just knowing how small we
are in the multitude of how big the

542
00:22:13,651 --> 00:22:18,461
universe is and just how these moments
in our life that can seem so horrible

543
00:22:18,466 --> 00:22:20,381
in the moment that it's just a piece.

544
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:23,611
That there's still so much more of your
life to live and there's so much more

545
00:22:23,611 --> 00:22:26,791
happiness to have, like the people that
get stuck at that one little moment.

546
00:22:26,791 --> 00:22:27,811
That one painful moment.

547
00:22:27,811 --> 00:22:30,421
If you can just hold on and make it

548
00:22:31,421 --> 00:22:34,301
and let time pass there is
still more joy to be had.

549
00:22:34,306 --> 00:22:36,731
There's still more
blessings to experience.

550
00:22:36,731 --> 00:22:38,501
Like there's so much more beauty in life.

551
00:22:38,961 --> 00:22:42,076
That's available and you just have
to open your eyes and look for it.

552
00:22:42,436 --> 00:22:44,776
You know, , it's there,
it's there for you.

553
00:22:44,776 --> 00:22:47,026
And it's just becoming aware of it.

554
00:22:47,039 --> 00:22:51,029
Honestly, all the things I dealt with
with my mom, led me onto my spiritual

555
00:22:51,029 --> 00:22:53,849
path that opened this huge door for me.

556
00:22:53,909 --> 00:22:59,959
Of learning so much and coming to
understand our journeys as souls, like

557
00:22:59,959 --> 00:23:04,529
who we are that inner part of us and,
learning the purpose of us being here.

558
00:23:04,534 --> 00:23:08,128
Really I just wanted to share a few slices
of my story about having an addict as a

559
00:23:08,128 --> 00:23:10,828
mother and how I can relate to anybody.

560
00:23:10,828 --> 00:23:15,238
Who's had a parent who is an addict and
how you can be put in some situations

561
00:23:15,238 --> 00:23:19,468
where you are scared, how you are put into
situations where you don't feel worthy.

562
00:23:19,468 --> 00:23:23,308
Like why is my parent choosing
the substance over you?

563
00:23:23,308 --> 00:23:27,368
And just really working your way
through those hard moments and pain

564
00:23:27,368 --> 00:23:30,958
and you know, it's something that I
still struggle with, even though I have

565
00:23:30,958 --> 00:23:34,678
such a broader understanding now, and
I've had so much closure and different

566
00:23:34,678 --> 00:23:36,958
things around the traumas I experienced.

567
00:23:36,958 --> 00:23:42,916
There still is that root fear
and pain that still comes

568
00:23:42,916 --> 00:23:44,416
through in a lot of my life.

569
00:23:44,416 --> 00:23:46,756
And it's hard to not let that all go.

570
00:23:46,836 --> 00:23:47,766
But I think that's okay.

571
00:23:47,766 --> 00:23:48,966
Cause it's just a part of my story.

572
00:23:48,966 --> 00:23:52,266
It's one of the scars I wear, you know,
like that's part of my experience and

573
00:23:52,266 --> 00:23:54,966
that's what I have that makes me me.

574
00:23:55,476 --> 00:23:59,766
And so I think it's important to see
that too, that, we all have scars,

575
00:24:00,186 --> 00:24:01,956
some just hide them better than others.

576
00:24:02,506 --> 00:24:04,486
Anyway, I love you guys.

577
00:24:04,496 --> 00:24:08,378
Come and catch me next week
on the heart AF podcast.

578
00:24:08,934 --> 00:24:14,285
and you can always find me at my website
at Chelsea van bus, kirk.com or find me on

579
00:24:14,315 --> 00:24:20,675
Instagram or Facebook at Chelsea dot van
bus kirk, I will see you guys next week.

580
00:24:21,095 --> 00:24:21,445
Peace.