37. Breaking Free: The Power of Embracing Your Authentic Self

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Hey everyone, what's up?

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It's Chelsea Van Buskirk
with the Heart AF podcast.

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Hope you guys are all doing well.

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I'm settling in to, I feel
like a more relaxed season.

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Not only in our actual literal seasons,
but I just feel like physically for

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me things seem to be calming down.

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I've spent the last few months of,
coming, into this spring and summer season

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where things were really heavy for me.

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I was doing shadow work,

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And when you talk about doing shadow
work, you're talking about dealing

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with some of the things that might
be affecting you in your life, right?

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Like for me, just going through some
lost relationships I experienced over the

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summer our lost properties losing, a part
of my identity, my job, and really coming

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in to seeing how my life was very out
of alignment in a lot of different ways.

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And I think it was needed for me to
have these experiences over these last

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few months to really bring me back to
my core and bring me back to what my

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values are and bring me back to work some
of these difficult feelings I've been

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having and to get me back to the light.

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So it's dealing with some of those
negative emotions or processing things

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that are difficult to heal from or
coming to self realizations of maybe

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I've been doing things That have led to
some of these negative experiences and

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really doing that kind of self work on
self growth and coming out on the other

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side and so we're coming into this fall
season, which is my favorite and I just

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love the cooler weather and just the
excitement of the changes to come and

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the holidays to come and it's just a
fun time of year and so I'm coming out

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of my depressive fog I've been under.

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I think I, I mentioned it a little bit
in the last episode about how emotional

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the beginning of the month was for
me with my birthday and just reliving

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some of those memories, because anytime
you experience like a big milestone,

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a birthday, anniversary of the death
things like that, those can draw up

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those, grief filled emotions and things.

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So coming off of that, I can feel
that change in my energy and some

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of that healing that's been done
as I've come back to myself and

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coming back to the light, right?

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And so anyway, I wanted to check
and see if anybody has seen

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the new Pixar movie elemental.

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It's not super new, but it is new on
Disney plus like streaming for free if you

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have the Disney plus app and subscription.

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And so I was very excited to watch
it and I highly recommend it if you

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haven't seen it yet, definitely give it
a watch and let me know what you think.

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I thought there was quite a few
things to take from the movie.

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Definitely made me cry and
I keep wanting to watch it.

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I think I've watched it at least
seven times by my own doing.

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Usually, when a kid really likes a
movie, they want to re watch it again.

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That was me.

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I was the kid.

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I was like, hey, you guys
want to watch that again?

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And I was drawn to it because
one of the themes I felt was

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speaking to people pleasers or
the ways that we can please others

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at our own expense, right?

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Like the ways that we take away from
ourselves for the sake of others.

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And sometimes we can be well meaning
when we're trying to do those

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things, but at what cost, right?

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Like really thinking about what are we
internally costing ourselves when we

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keep making these internal sacrifices
over and over again just to appease other

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people or to do this for someone else.

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And this really goes into any
relationship you have in your life,

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whether it's a relationship with your
own parents, whether it's relationship

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with your children relationship with
your spouse or partner, and just in

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general relationships with friends
other family members and loved ones.

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And really coming to that awareness on in
what ways do we maybe cut ourselves short

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or in what ways do we suppress ourselves
or cage ourself or not speak our truth

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or, change ourselves in certain ways in
order to please other people or to keep

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the peace or to be liked or loved, right?

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People who are prone to people
pleasing tend to have some kind

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of background or trauma where they
might be scared or have a fear of

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rejection, a fear of abandonment, right?

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They experience some kind of
rejection or abandonment in their

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childhood that stays with them.

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And so to combat that, to prevent
that pain, to prevent that

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feeling of rejection, to prevent
people from leaving them, right?

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They want to do whatever they
can to keep people happy.

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And they take on those responsibilities
that aren't necessarily theirs, right?

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We tend to assume that
responsibility that it's our job

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to make other people happy, right?

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And it's not.

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And a lot of times parents will
guilt trip you in a way, right?

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Like I see that a lot in parent and
child relationships where the child

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takes on this responsibility, where
it's their job to please the parent.

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And that's actually not true.

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We are not responsible for
other people's feelings.

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Other people's feelings are on them.

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Like we are responsible for our feelings
and how we respond, and even though we may

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not want to upset other people, it's also
not our responsibility to prevent that.

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And diving a little deep into this, theme
about, at what expense we're damaging

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our own selves by not speaking our truth.

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And, coming back to this
movie, the main character.

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Ember, the fire element here in the
movie I'm not going to give too much

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away, but essentially she is willing
to basically forego her dreams because

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she wants to please her father, right?

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Like she wants to do her father's dream.

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And she's so afraid of speaking
up for herself or she's not even.

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quite aware in the beginning of the
movie that she's even suppressing this,

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but it's coming out in anger, right?

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like you have to think of the
negative ways these things are

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coming out in our behaviors and
how that's toxic to ourselves.

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And so using this movie as an example
we have this, you know this budding

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young woman, right like this character
who is suppressing her dreams because

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she feels like she has to go a certain
path in her life because that's what

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her father wants and because she's
suppressing this conflict within her

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about, that's not what she really wants
to do with her life, but she's doing it

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because she feels like an obligation.

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She feels like the need to do this because
of how much she loves her father, how

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much she wants to be a good daughter,
that it's causing this temper in her, this

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buildup of anger that is quick to come out
and explode and she's the fire element.

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So setting things on fire, it
can cause some damage, right?

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Similar things are happening
within us when we do this as well.

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We do tend to get too afraid of
hurting those we love, right?

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And we, we don't want to
hurt people with our truth.

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And so we have to figure out
these ways to be able to speak our

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truth but do it in a loving way.

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It's a way of setting boundaries.

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It's a way of setting yourself free,
honestly, because when you keep things

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in, when you let people walk all over
you, when you are doing things you don't

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really want to do just because you don't
want to ruffle feathers or just because

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you don't want to upset somebody else.

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You're literally caging yourself,
you're suffocating yourself and you

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can only do that for so long, right?

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When we are doing these things to
ourselves, it's a way that we cause

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ourselves like actual physical ailments.

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It's a way that we can cause ourselves
disease or the way that we can even

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give ourselves cancer and I hate to say
that word but it's true like there's

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ways that these negative things can
actually affect our body chemistry

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and change cells to mutate and cause
these diseases and illnesses within us.

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So every time that we are denying
ourselves caging ourselves,

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suppressing this truth within us.

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We're intentionally ingesting
toxins into ourselves.

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That is literally what it's like.

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And I feel like we have to see
how serious this is, right?

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This isn't just Oh, it's okay.

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Like I'm just sacrificing
because I love people.

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And the thing is yes, you love people
and you want to do things for people

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you love, but you have to still
keep in mind your own livelihood

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like your own soul, so to speak.

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You don't wanna explode, you don't
wanna live this life at this low level

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of what it could have been, right?

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I always like to picture our lives
as like on this spectrum and I wish

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I had a whiteboard that I could
show you what I'm talking about.

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We're gonna get a whiteboard, so stand by.

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I like to visualize our lives
as this timeline, right?

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Like we have a starting point
and an ending point, right?

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but we have this.

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Higher level, like highest potential we
have for our life right at the top, right?

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This high, this is like that high energy,
happiness, joy, laughing, ease, right?

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And then we have this low, lower energies
of anger, jealousy, envy like the lowest

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possible potential for our lives, right?

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This is my, where people turn to
addictions, things like that, right?

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Like they get stuck in these lower
vibrational parts of their life, right?

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Like in everybody's lives, we
tend to go up and down, right?

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And I like to think of it
as we get these choices, right?

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Or these chances to live our life
at these higher levels, right?

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We want to be up here experiencing this
kind of life and trying to reach and

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grow to live up to our highest potential,
like our highest possible living is

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up here in this area in these high
vibrational kind of levels, if you will.

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And each time that we are Sacrificing
pieces of ourselves muting ourselves,

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not speaking our truth living
inauthentically, when we are conforming

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against what our soul wants, right?

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We're living down here, like we're
not living up to our potential.

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We're not experiencing all
that life has to offer for us.

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And there's so many people that can
literally go through their lives.

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living at this low state when
they had this high potential here

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for them the whole time that they
missed out on in this lifetime.

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And, this is where, again, this is
where, people are living at sick.

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They have chronic issues right here
because they're in this low level thing.

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Like I'm telling you, there is
a science behind this stuff.

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There are ways to heal yourself with
doing, self love work and really

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learning how to speak your truth and
learning how to love yourself just

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as you are not changing yourself, not
trying to conform yourself, not trying

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to change pieces of yourself, trying
to be what other people want you to

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be or think you should be, right?

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It's being who you are meant
to be on this earth in this

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lifetime at this moment, right?

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And each time that you're saying
no to the universe, saying no to

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our creator, saying no to love.

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by turning your back on yourself by doing
these things because you're thinking

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you're helping somebody else like that's
not the way to live and it's hard, right?

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I know what it's like when you take that
on like you almost you take on these

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responsibilities that aren't yours.

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You're thinking you're doing
somebody else a service right?

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you feel like your intention is
well meaning when you are making

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decisions based on how you want
other people to feel and you want

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other people to feel good, right?

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That makes you feel good.

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But if you're making other people
feel good while it's making you feel

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bad and you're trying to mask that.

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That's a problem.

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That's ingesting toxins.

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You're literally poisoning yourself by
doing these things and the only way out

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is to, learn self love, learn how to
set boundaries for yourself, learn how

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to speak up and speak your truth and
know that you're doing it out of love.

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Like it's not to be mean to anybody.

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The problem is it's uncomfortable
to have these conversations.

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It's uncomfortable to speak our
truth, but we have to have that

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confidence and that courage to
have these small moments of being

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uncomfortable and speaking our truth.

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so that we can be free and live how we
want to live so that we are not muting

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ourself and living watered down lives.

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We might be afraid of that initial
conversation or that initial

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uncomfortableness, but that's much better
than living your whole life as this

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watered down caged version of yourself,
living uncomfortable for your lifetime.

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Do you want to live uncomfortably
tense and angry and bitter and

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irritated at everything all the time?

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Or do you want to be relaxed?

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and free.

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And enjoy your life and have
your kids see you enjoy life.

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Like what role model are you
showing to your kids when you're

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suppressing yourself, right?

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We talk about this when we talk about
self care and pouring into your cup

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before you pour into other cups.

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And there's this kind of line
between this like toxic self care

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and genuine self care, right?

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Like we're not saying Abandon
the needs of your kids.

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Abandon your household responsibilities.

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Like it's not about that, but it's about
setting boundaries and clear expectations

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of what your needs are too, right?

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I've had to do a lot of
this myself and it's hard.

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I will tell you it's hard because
I don't like to make people upset.

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I don't want to hurt people's feelings.

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But There's so many relationships
that the situation becomes a lot worse

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because I've Placated people for so
long, not speaking my truth, and not

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setting boundaries in the beginning.

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But now when I am finally ready
to be done and say no more

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can I neglect myself in this way.

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No more, can I make these choices and
let Certain situations happen that

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I know are negatively affecting me.

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So now I have to have this uncomfortable
conversation And it's going to be a

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lot harder than it would have been if I
would have started my relationship out

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speaking my truth from the beginning.

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So the sooner we can learn these
skills to really, first become aware

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of what it actually is that we need.

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So becoming aware is probably the first.

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step, to like being a recovering people
pleaser or trying to eliminate this

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kind of self harm we do by giving
into these people pleasing behaviors.

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And you do that by noticing
how you're reacting, right?

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In the Elemental movie, She became aware
because her temper kept exploding, right?

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Why couldn't she handle
these certain tasks?

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Why is all this stuff bothering her?

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Why is she set off so often?

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And you can tell in the movie as
her character develops and as she

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develops like a relationship where
somebody's seeing the true Her.

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Her real self.

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Like seeing her dreams and her
aspirations and who she is as her

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own individual person and loving and
accepting and seeing how beautiful

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she is as That individual unique
person like when she's in her element.

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Being who she was meant to be.

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And seeing that somebody else is
seeing that and accepting her.

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It's like that it awakens that piece
of her and she's calmer, right?

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Her parents start noticing
how her temper has eased up.

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this isn't clearly pointed out in the
movie, but this is just things that

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I'm seeing that is relating to what
I want to get on this episode today.

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And when she finally is able to speak
her truth, it's actually not as bad as

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she's thinking it's going to be, right?

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We usually assume that it's going
to burn bridges, that people are

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going to be so mad at us, that
it's going to ruin relationships,

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that people are going to leave us.

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Because that's usually our fear.

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our fear of abandonment,
fear of rejection.

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People are going to, not like us.

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People are going to leave us,
and we tend to be scared of that.

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But let me tell you, if...

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If people really love you and they
really care about you, then they

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will value who you really are and
they will respect your boundaries.

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And yes, they may get mad.

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They're entitled to get
upset because guess what?

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Things are going to change and
things aren't going to be the way

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that they used to be for them.

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So yeah, they might get upset and
mad, but they're going to come

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back around and respect you more.

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Your relationship will begin to be
healthier because now you can have a

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better understanding of each other,
a mutual respect for each other.

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They're going to know what your boundaries
are and they're going to respect that.

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And they're still going to want
to love you and be with you and

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still enjoy their time with you.

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But now you will be able to
fully be yourself and enjoy

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your time with them as well.

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So it's like a happy win win situation.

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And in a separate case, let's say the
person, they can't handle your boundaries.

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They walk away and they
vibrate out of your life.

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That's okay too, because
you don't want people.

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In your life that are going to make
you feel bad for being your true self.

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You don't need that and As heartbreaking
as it is sometimes that can be your own

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family members I've seen it happen before
where people have had to cut off family

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members from their life because of how it
negatively affects them the family member

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was not able to respect their boundaries
and love them with their boundaries

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And I'm not saying that's gonna happen.

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I'm not saying it's not gonna happen.

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You just don't know.

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But you have to Figure out for yourself.

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What is your life worth?

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Like where do you want
to be on that scale?

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Where do you want to be living your life?

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Do you want to be living it at
that lower level in that caged

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watered down version of yourself?

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Or do you want to be living up here
where you're enjoying life and you're

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surrounding yourself with people that
make you feel good people that respect

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your boundaries, living your life
where you're able to fully be yourself.

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You're able to express your needs and
have people respect and meet your needs.

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And just really living your life closer
to that higher potential aiming for

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that highest version, best version
of yourself where you are living

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life in a blissful state where you're
able to take on the punches of life

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more easily because you are secure.

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You're in this space of self love.

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You're not in this caged version of
yourself where you've ingested all these

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toxins and you're just bogged down by
the weight of being trapped, right?

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Do you want to be trapped
or do you want to be free?

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And really the choice is yours
and we have to start making

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those choices for ourselves.

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we have to start finding
ways to set those boundaries.

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We have to find ways to learn how
to love ourselves enough to be able

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to speak up and to speak our truth.

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And ,that self confidence where you
just start, getting that mindset of

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I'm going to be me and I'm going to
let the chips fall as they may, because

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the people that love me and who can
see me for who I really am, those are

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the people that I want in my life.

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And if people can't be
around that, then they can't.

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And that's on them.

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You got to stick to number
one, because this is your life.

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And I feel like sometimes people get hung
up on thinking that's selfish, but it's

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not because if you do have kids, if you do
have a partner or a spouse, they're going

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to want to see the best version of you.

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What role model are you being for
your kids if you're showing them

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that they need to live this life
just full of bitterness, right?

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They need to know that it's
possible for them to be free too.

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They're going to need to see that.

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They're going to need a role
model to model that for them.

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And

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that's something that can be motivating
for you to see how it's not selfish.

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That it's actually a way to show
them how to love themselves.

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It's a way to show even other people.

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If you don't have kids, like any person
that is able to walk the streets and live

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their life in that higher vibrational
state, they're a walking role model.

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If you're able to speak your truth, set
your boundaries and take care of yourself

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and let go of these toxic things you're
a walking role model for so many people,

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anybody that you come into contact with.

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So do it, be a role model,
like you're worth it.

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You are perfectly made,

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in the image of God, right?

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Like that is the truth.

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Like you are put here by our creator
exactly as you were meant to be.

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You don't need to change it.

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You don't need to conform it.

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00:18:27,814 --> 00:18:32,568
You don't need to suppress your dreams
in order to please other people or what

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00:18:32,701 --> 00:18:35,691
your parents, what your community, what
society says that you should be or how

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00:18:35,691 --> 00:18:39,114
you should, behave, what you should do
for work, how you should, whatever, right?

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Like you were meant to be, you.

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Be yourself.

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Be that authentic self.

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Be true to you.

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Let yourself blossom and enjoy life
and live life at those higher levels.

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That's what I got for you today.

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That's what I am encouraging you to
do and watch elemental and please

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00:18:53,781 --> 00:18:55,911
let me know what your thoughts are,

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00:18:56,211 --> 00:18:59,281
what came up for you
listening to this episode.

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00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:03,111
Let me know if you did watch
the movie and what you thought.

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00:19:03,401 --> 00:19:08,111
Leave a comment on the video on YouTube
or send me a DM on Instagram or Facebook.

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My handle's @chelsea.Vanbuskirk
and I'll see you guys soon.

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00:19:12,811 --> 00:19:13,401
Peace.