36. Transforming Grief into Compassion: A New Perspective on Relationships

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Hey everyone, it's Chelsea Van
Buskirk with the Heart AF podcast.

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Hope you guys are all doing well.

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So I don't know if you guys know this,
but I just came up on the year anniversary

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of this podcast, which is pretty cool.

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I launched that first episode in
the beginning of August of 2022.

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So I know I haven't had them going
weekly like I had for the first I

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don't know, six or seven months, I
think, of the show because of all the

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shit that's been going on this year.

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I'm getting back to it, right?

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Like we're going, I'm trying to.

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keep it up so I can get things
going more consistently again.

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Anyway I also had a
birthday, so that's fun.

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36 now.

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So that's pretty cool.

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Birthdays are a little tough for me.

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With not having, either of
my parents here, it's always

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A little hard for me, right?

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A little emotional I get on my birthdays.

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Especially since my mother when
she passed away was in 2009.

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I had just turned 22, and she passed
away right after my birthday that year.

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And So that anniversary always has
been intertwined with my birthday

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and it took some time to let go
of some guilt I felt from that.

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I feel like I've come a long way since
then, but it's still just one of those

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things where it is a little bit more
emotionally heavy around my birthday.

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And then the fact that my dad is no
longer here is probably even more

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heavy because I was a daddy's girl.

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Me and my dad were very close
and he was somebody that always

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made my birthday, extra special.

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He would call and usually
play me a birthday song.

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And, always got me really awesome gifts
and, just was always super thoughtful.

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I think it's cause, being that he was
in a wheelchair, like giving gifts

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was probably one of the ways that he
was able to show love, just not being

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able to really do anything physically.

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He was able to, kind of
show things by, gift giving.

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And I miss those little gestures
or, he have actually, Hold on.

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There's an array of gifts right
here from over the years from him,

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whether it was Mother's Day or my
birthday or probably those two.

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Those are the two things that he
normally would give me gifts for.

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But I just miss him a lot and it just
becomes very apparent around my birthday.

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And so that becomes heavy.

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And, even like the weeks leading up,
it's been strange where You know, I've

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been, if you've listened to one of the
episodes, I think it was, last, around

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last winter where I was seeing my dad's
initials on license plates, that's usually

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a sign I take from him, just saying he's
around, he's still here, watching over

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and, I still see those every now and
again and always like a little gentle

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reminder about him that he's around and,
I feel like it comes and goes in waves

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where maybe, it's not that I don't think
about him constantly, but I don't let

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myself remember a lot of stuff because
then I just get really sad, and we were

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on a camping trip recently where it
was like he was just everywhere, right?

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There's things kept popping up that
were like reminiscent of my dad where

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the people we were camping with,
they lived outside of Pueblo, which

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is where my dad went to college.

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And then it turns out the guy that
we were camping with his cousins with

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the guy my dad played football with.

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And then my dad's old best friend happened
to call me because he was in town.

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And actually this football,
he brought me this football.

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This was a football that him and
my dad used to practice with.

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When they were kids and
growing up and playing football

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together through high school.

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And so it was really cool
that he gave me that football.

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Just all these things, that
are just your dad, right?

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And then my husband's aunt asked us when
we were camping with these people because

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they were asking questions about my dad.

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And.

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She just brought up, they had such a
special, relationship and, they talked

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about his accident a little bit.

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And so then the people I'd never
met before asking questions,

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how did your dad get hurt?

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What, what's the story.

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And and so rehashing some of those
details that, I haven't really.

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Dwelled on in a while was also emotional
and I just have been really sadly

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just really missing him just, wishing
I could talk to him on the phone.

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And so I was going for a walk
and I have some voicemails still

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saved on my phone from him.

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And I wish I had saved older ones,
but the ones that I have only go

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back to 2017 and and he died in 2021.

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In 2017, he had just got over a
significant illness where his speech

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had been affected from that illness and
you can hear him, trying to enunciate

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words and, things like that and just,
listening to the way his speech was,

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how it was at that time and listening
to his voice and then I have a voicemail

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from the night he went into the
hospital right before he passed away.

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And I was staying at his house
and it's a minute long voicemail

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because he would always call me.

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Like we had these baby monitors.

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So when I would stay at his house, he
would have the baby monitor and he would

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call me, through the baby monitor, if
he needed something like during the

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night, it could be, he wanted his sheet
pulled down cause he was too hot or

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he wanted the sheet pulled up cause
he was cold or, usually one of those

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things or like his mask had, he had
a CPAP mask, and maybe he like hit it

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or it got, off his nose or whatever.

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So he would need his mask
adjusted, things like that.

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And so sometimes the baby monitor wouldn't
always work or I wouldn't hear it.

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And so he would use his
like Alexa to call me.

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And so that was the way that
he reached out to me a lot.

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So it'd be like 10 30 at night
and he'd call from Alexa.

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So he had called me.

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And it was on my voicemail, which I was
in the room at that time, but it just,

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it recorded this, three minute kind of
scene from that night and I was listening

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to it as I was going for my walk.

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Just reminiscing, like wanting
to hear his voice, right?

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And listening to his voice as I
was walking that morning, I could

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hear how much in pain he was, and
I had listened to this voicemail.

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I used to listen to it a lot, right after
he passed, but for whatever reason, at

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this time, listening to the voicemails,
even in 2017, in 2018, in 2019, like the

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struggle in his voice, and then hearing it
that night that he went into the hospital

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and never made it home I had this...

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Realization on how hard he had fought to
keep living for me and how hard that was

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because he was very much struggling in
his body and the way his voice sounded

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that night broke my heart a little bit
listening to it, this time because it was

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like that realization He was in pain.

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He had been struggling
to live for a while.

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He had lived with his physical
impairments being a quadriplegic

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for over 30 years, and he got to do
all the things that he didn't think

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he was going to be able to, right?

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He fought to see me through high school.

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He fought to see me graduate college.

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He fought to see me give birth
to all of his grandchildren.

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He fought to be there to roll me
down the wedding aisle and have that

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father daughter dance at my wedding.

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And I know that was important to him.

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I literally have conversations.

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Saved.

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And that was actually, that's an odd thing
to say that we had a conversation saved.

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So it wasn't a saved conversation,
but it was a saved text message that

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I had sent my cousin after me and my
dad had this conversation privately.

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He had been diagnosed with colon
cancer and they were pushing

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him to do some chemotherapy,
which we were both in agreement.

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We really didn't want him to do it
because we thought that would just.

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end his life even quicker and give
him a low quality of life while he

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was going through those treatments.

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It wasn't really worth it in this scenario
that it was probably better to just, do

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the scans and blood work every six months
and just let him live out his life the

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best he can with what he has left, right?

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That was our, decision we had come to.

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And and having that conversation, he
had said, He wasn't afraid to die that

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the only thing he was afraid of Was
leaving me behind because he knew that

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I didn't have anybody left, right?

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Like my mom is gone You know,
my grandparents are gone.

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Like he's one of the only pieces of
family, direct family that I have And

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I assured him that I'd be okay, and so
for whatever reason hearing his voice

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on that voicemail and hearing, The
struggle, the pain in in his voice made

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me feel a little guilty because I so
selfishly did want to keep him around, I

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liked having him around and to be being
grateful and that he did fight so hard

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and you wanted to stay here for me, right?

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And it wasn't just me.

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There was other people my two cousins
that he wanted to stay around for and

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his caretaker, Jake, he wanted to stay
around for, I think that was really,

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that was probably the hardest thing
for him was knowing he would be leaving

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all of us physically behind, right?

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And at the same time oh my gosh, what
a man that he hung on for so long and

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all the things that he struggled with
living in this physical world and

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probably how free he is to be where
he is now and being able to still be

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part of our lives in a different way,
he's still around, but it's just, it's

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different for us who are still living
in this plane, if you will, but anyway,

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it was just a sad, but also beautiful
realization of how we can have these

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big feelings, whether it's grief after
you've lost someone or a relationship

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that has ended that didn't, you know, end
the way that you wanted it to we can get

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so focused on our own selfish feelings.

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In that relationship, we don't always
acknowledge what it was like for the

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other person or what their side of
the story is or what things that they

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were compromising or sacrificing for
the relationship with you, right?

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Because it's hard to know.

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And especially if we don't
always communicate clearly, right?

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But also I don't think my dad would
ever say Hey, I'm like ready to be free of

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these physical struggles I'm dealing with.

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I'm just holding on and sacrificing that
because of you, that's not something

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that my dad would have said to me ever.

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So there's certain things where
you don't really tell people.

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So think about how often you
might sacrifice or compromise

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something for yourself or someone
else because you love them.

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Or you're trying to show them love or
do something for them and I think, we

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don't always realize the things that they
might be doing on their end, too, right?

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I talked in an episode recently about
how, we can get sucked into being the

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victim and, wanting to be right and
thinking the other person's wrong and

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just getting so caught up in wanting
to prove the fact that we're right

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and they're wrong that we we lose
track of maybe the absolute truth.

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There's our truth and then there's
another person's truth, right?

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I've lost a few friendships this
year that have been pretty hard.

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They were significant friendships.

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But I do think that, things happen and
people will vibrate out of your life

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as you grow and change yourself, right?

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It's just a natural thing that happens.

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And sometimes it might not be your choice
or maybe it is or, things just happen

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I think the way that they're meant to
happen and sometimes they can be painful

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and we can blame or we can try to create
stories in our head about, However,

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we wanted to see the situation, they
have a side of their story also, right?

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Have you seen those posts where
it's you might be like the villain

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in someone else's story, but a hero
in another one, things like that.

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You can't change how people are
going to think and feel about you.

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And , I know I started off on this kind of
sad situation with, my grief with my dad,

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but in certain things we can be like angry
or mad or sad without really realizing

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the extent of how the other person was
feeling on the other end too, right?

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Like almost having a greater type
of empathy for other people and

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what their side of the story is
or what they were dealing with.

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Even for like my mom and her
passing, like there was a lot

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of anger on my side, right?

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Like a lot of anger, like, why did
you live the life that you did?

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Like, why did you make these choices?

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And, like you could have gotten
better and ... She couldn't, right?

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And I don't know how she was then.

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Maybe she tried.

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Maybe, we don't, I don't know.

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But I know that where she
is now, she's finally free.

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from the demons.

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She was fighting here physically, right?

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And I think, every person on this planet,
like we literally just do the best we can

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with what we know at any given moment.

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And, life is a journey.

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I believe that, we choose things from a
different place before we're born, right?

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Like our souls Choose to experience
certain life lessons for our soul

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growth, the types of people that come
in and out of our lives that we choose

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our parents, the types of parents we
are going to have and the experiences

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like it's all meant for some kind of
higher lesson, and it could be a lesson

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on the physical plane, or it could just
be your soul's lesson to evolve into,

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something else, like getting put into
this human experience to learn something,

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to gain something, to Have an impact.

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There's studies of this, but, I've
heard where, certain souls, literally

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their purpose for coming into a
life is for another soul's lesson.

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Like their brief soul journey on in
this lifetime might have just been

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for another soul's experience, right?

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Like they their time on
here was meant to be brief.

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It was meant to come in and help
other souls with their journeys.

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And as humans, That's hard, right?

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It's still hard for humans to do, right?

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Like we don't always have
that ability to tap into that

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kind of knowledge or knowing.

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It is there deep inside, but it's really
hard to take away all the physical

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layers of our minds to really wrap around
some of these things to realize that

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they were meant for our soul growth.

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They were meant for our for our higher
selves, our higher evolution, however

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you want to say it, they're meant to
bring us back to that, divine power, that

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connection to know that we aren't alone,
that we all come from the same space.

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you always analyze certain like
tragedies and things like people

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say, why would God let this happen?

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Things like that.

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And, it's not really, I believe it's not,
God who's doing these things, it's humans.

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It's humans that are using
their human things, right?

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Our human experiences.

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And that's the humanness in us, right?

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That we get these angry
feelings and, whatever.

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Evil stuff, that's not God.

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That's not where we come from.

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That's darkness.

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That's humanness.

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That's stuff where we get sucked in.

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Where we're not letting any light in.

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And we're closed off.

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And, I can go really deep and all
that kind of stuff, but honestly,

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I think it's just very important
to realize that every relationship,

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whether it's a parent, a family
relationship, a friend, a partner, a

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00:14:09,954 --> 00:14:15,535
child, like there's a reason for that
relationship in your life, and it

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can be really easy to get almost self
centered in some of these relationships

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on how the relationships affect us.

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But it is needed to occasionally take a
step back and take a look and see what's

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going on the other side of things, right?

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What's going on with this person?

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I've been struggling a
lot as a mother recently.

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Like, all of my kids
are at different stages.

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And so I, I have, a lot of struggles
with my daughter, my oldest

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daughter who's, a budding teenager.

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And then my youngest son who has some
sensory issues and some behavior stuff.

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And it's just, he's been very challenging.

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And I did start a parenting class
recently and one of the things that, is

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stressed is instead of getting yourself
worked up and reacting to whatever

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your child might be doing is to get
curious and try to understand where

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their behavior is coming from or trying
to ask more questions and get on their

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level and see why they're feeling the
way they are feeling or what is the

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unmet need that is causing the behavior.

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And that's been a huge awakening
for myself and becoming more

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aware of those types of things.

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And I will tell you when I'm in a
situation where I can become aware

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of me, like starting to react.

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And I can calm my own self down
instead of getting worked up and

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coming, almost at either a defensive
or, I've been like disrespected.

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So I'm like, coming at them in this
like a combative mode or getting angry

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and worked up being able to recognize
when I'm getting that way and to

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be able to, take that step back and
calm myself and get curious and start

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asking them questions or start trying
to be more interested in why they're

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behaving the way they are, why we're
having this, altercation, if you will.

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I've seen as my defenses go down,
my child's defenses go down.

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We're able to have more conversations.

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I'm able to empathize or see
where they're coming from.

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And that allows me to get them down or
dysregulated into a more neutral state.

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And then we can actually have a better
neutral conversation to actually come

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to a solution or like a compromise or
something where we can work together.

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And I know that sounds a little
complicated, and it's not something

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that you can just change, right?

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We get stuck in our habits, we
all have our internal triggers and

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things, but it's been a really helpful
way to slow down and become aware.

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And very similar to where I started
off with this story, is just

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really becoming aware of where
other people are coming from.

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What kinds of things they're doing,
and being more understanding and having

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00:16:38,405 --> 00:16:42,649
compassion for other people and being
willing to let our defenses down and be

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more understanding and, maybe realizing
how we might be selfish in some ways.

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We're all entitled to our wants and
needs, and I think those are fair, and

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we're, it's fine to have our own feelings,
but it's also nice to just be able to

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realize where other people might be
coming from, where other people might

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need some compassion and understanding,
and know that you're not alone, and just

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because you're having these feelings
in the situation with my dad it's

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okay for me to be sad, but It's also
okay, to be grateful for what I had.

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It's also okay to realize
what all my dad did, right?

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00:17:14,739 --> 00:17:16,569
And to be, like, even
more grateful for that.

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And to just keep his memory alive
instead of being afraid of the

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00:17:20,709 --> 00:17:22,579
sadness and all these things.

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00:17:22,579 --> 00:17:26,779
And, again, almost like focusing on like
the positives instead of the negative kind

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of things or, I think back about my mom,
like maybe I don't focus on the ways I

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00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:36,339
felt hurt and betrayed by her, like maybe
focusing on those rare moments where we

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had some good times or the times she did
show up or the things she did do that,

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were showing me love, like focusing on
those things or Looking back at some of

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the friendships I've had and remembering
the good things that they brought into my

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life and the lessons I might have learned
through their friendships, instead of

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00:17:52,089 --> 00:17:55,589
seeing like the ways I feel like I was
hurt by them or the ways I was offended

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00:17:55,589 --> 00:17:59,519
by them, like just keeping, the focus
on, they are a person too, they're going

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00:17:59,519 --> 00:18:03,139
through their own journey and they may
or may not have meant to hurt me, right?

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00:18:03,139 --> 00:18:03,859
I don't know.

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And instead of dwelling on and
feeling hurt and like a victim, I can

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let it be what it was and appreciate
the goodness I got from it and

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00:18:11,459 --> 00:18:14,909
appreciate the lesson for whatever that
lesson was for my soul to have that

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interaction with that other person.

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00:18:16,259 --> 00:18:22,419
So yeah, I think that's where
this episode is really getting to

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becoming aware and this curious part.

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Right?

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00:18:25,039 --> 00:18:29,289
Approaching different things with a
curious mind and seeing how we can

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00:18:29,289 --> 00:18:32,989
see things from other perspectives or
from another person's point of view.

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00:18:32,989 --> 00:18:36,609
If it's somebody that we may no longer
have that relationship anymore and

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00:18:36,869 --> 00:18:38,509
have some feelings about that, right?

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00:18:38,519 --> 00:18:43,499
Like looking at those relationships
through that curiosity lens and where

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00:18:43,709 --> 00:18:48,854
they might be coming from and having
that understanding and compassion

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00:18:48,854 --> 00:18:52,504
for ourselves and the other people
that come in and out of our lives.

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Please let me know if you have any
feedback or anything you want to add

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00:18:56,014 --> 00:18:59,714
about any experiences you may have
had or realizations or what you think

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00:18:59,724 --> 00:19:01,034
about what I've talked about today.

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00:19:01,254 --> 00:19:05,444
You can leave a comment on the, this
podcast video on YouTube, or you can

334
00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:08,874
send me a DM on Instagram or Facebook.

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00:19:09,394 --> 00:19:13,514
My handle is @chelsea.Vanbuskirk
and I will see you guys soon.

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Peace.