34. ”Let Them.” - Embrace Empathy: Letting Go of Judgment and Rising Above Negativity.

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Hey everyone, what's up?

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It's Chelsea VanBuskirk
with the Heart AF podcast.

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Hope you guys are all doing well.

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Um, just coming off of a lovely family
vacation and had lots of good fun and time

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off with the family, which is always nice.

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Always needed to take that
break and time away from our

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responsibilities to just really focus.

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So I really hope that you
guys got to take some time at.

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Some point during the summertime to
really be able to focus on family

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time or really just taking a break, to
really just enjoy and be present and

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make fun memories with your family.

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And I know sometimes , we have these
kind of big ideas of what, uh, a

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family vacation looks like, or, you
know, we have high expectations.

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And the reality of it is,
You know, kids are fighting,

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there's whining, there's crying.

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So even though I had an amazing
time, there was still lots of normal

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reality type stuff that happens.

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But I think even with all of the stresses
and, you know, maybe some crying or

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whining that happens over the course
of, family spending 24 7 together,

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out of your normal routine that there
are moments that you have fun and laugh

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and get to play and, and still have a
good time, beyond those, annoyances

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that do tend to occur just naturally
as us humans interact with each other,

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even if they are our loved ones.

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So anyway, I, wanted to get on and
talk about a few things that, I

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experienced recently that I thought were
really valuable lessons, and it does

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piggyback or echo some of the themes
that I've been recently talking about,

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especially with the last episode too.

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Things aren't always what they seem.

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And really it can be challenging
for us to see things from

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different perspectives, right?

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I've talked about, seeing things,
um, through, that lens of

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fear versus the lens of love.

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And so this kind of echoes that a
little bit, but with a, , different

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side of what that can look
like or what that might mean.

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Um, and it's funny because.

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My father-in-law has told me this really
funny story and I'm gonna share it with

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you guys here because, it just shows you
how not everything is what it seems right?

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Or things that we may see.

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Maybe things that we read or hear may not
always be exactly what they seem right?

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And so, My, father-in-law, he had
an uncle who had polio um, which,

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led him to be in a wheelchair.

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Right.

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So, he still had use of his arms, but was
not able to walk because of his polio.

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So he was in a wheelchair and he
had a vehicle that was outfitted

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for him to still be able to drive.

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I know exactly what my father-in-law was
talking about because I've seen that,

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you know, my dad was a quadriplegic, so
he did not really have the capabilities

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to be able to drive, but I've seen.

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How they can make, like the gas and the
brake be on the steering wheel, right.

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So people who still use of their hands
can drive a vehicle with using the gas

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and brake, um, with their hands, right?

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Versus using the pedals with their feet.

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So I have seen this in action.

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I knew exactly what he was talking about.

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So he's telling me how his uncle
had, the car where somebody

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would help him get in and he would
be able to drive with his hands.

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But then of course you
know, he can't walk.

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Right.

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And he was taking a trip.

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He had his wife who was pregnant at the
time, and some small children in the car,

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and they ended up getting a flat tire.

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And so, my father-in-law tells this
story, how it's, it's Florida, it's

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July, it's summertime, it's hot.

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And they pull over to the side of the road
and his pregnant wife gets outta the car.

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The kids are outta the
car helping the mom.

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And then you see, you
know, people driving by.

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Seeing this, right?

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And what are they seeing?

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They're seeing a man sitting in the
driver's seat just kicking back with

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the AC on, you know, sipping a cold
coke where while this pregnant lady

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and these small kids are out there
changing a tire on the side of the road.

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So most people driving by are thinking,
you know, what an asshole , you know,

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to let this poor pregnant woman and
her children change this flat tire

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while this young man in the driver's
seat is just sitting there, you

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know, enjoying the air conditioning.

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And it's one of those things
where as a passerby, if we were

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to see that, of course we're
gonna think like, what the hell?

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Why is this guy being lazy?

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Why is he sitting in the car letting
you know these people do this?

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And we might get really angry and
feel self-righteous and just, you

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know, totally beat this guy down.

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But the reality of the situation is
this guy can't change the tire, right?

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He is incapable.

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He has a disability, he cannot walk.

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Right.

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But at first glance, that's
what we're gonna see.

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That's what we're gonna infer because
that's what we see with our eyes.

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We don't know the full story.

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And so as funny as that story is, it's
the same thing when we see things

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or we put our own spin or our own
perspective on certain situations

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where we might twist a story into
being something it might not really be.

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And this actually happened
to me personally recently.

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And this has to do with kind of
our mindset and our perspective

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and what we're thinking.

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Right.

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And we want to be like, and I shouldn't
say want because I know I don't wanna be

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a victim, but in my head, my insecurities,
the ways that I have unhealed wounds or

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pains, I tend to see sometimes with this
perspective of people are abandoning me.

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I tend to see things with a negative lens,
or I tend to assume the worst, right?

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I tend to assume the worst
, because of my insecurities.

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And so I received an email and, in
reading this email, it really upset

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me and I kind of went down this rabbit
hole of these negative feelings.

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Like going into this like righteousness
thing like how could they do this?

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And something I was listening to recently
was saying the ego, like that piece of

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us can want to be so self-righteous.

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Like we get hung up on wanting to be
right and making the other person wrong at

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pretty much no matter what costs, right?

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Like, that pride in us wants to
be right, and we wanna do whatever

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we can to prove our rightness.

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And to prove that you are wrong.

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I am right.

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You see that all the time with different
stories, I see it on the Nextdoor app.

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If you, if any of you guys have the
Nextdoor app or even on the email and

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you're seeing people just like ranting
and raving about all these things that

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they're seeing, but a lot of times
they might not know the full story.

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Right.

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When they're complaining
about whatever, you know.

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Somebody they came up to my door.

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Um, what if it was somebody who
came to the wrong house, right?

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They were looking for a certain address.

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Like, I literally just saw a post the
other day where a woman was a potential

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buyer, meeting a realtor at a house.

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And the realtor said, I'm in the house.

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Come in.

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And so a lady goes to go in the house and,
and then backs out because , that wasn't

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her realtor there, and it was like a dog.

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And she like hurried up and ran off.

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And she felt the need to write
this on next door because,

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she went to the wrong house, and so she
wanted to make sure if the ring doorbell

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caught her, like opening the door and then
shutting it really fast and running away.

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She was just terrified and embarrassment
because she had gone into the wrong house.

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The house was actually two houses
down where she, her realtor was

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where she was supposed to meet.

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So again, you know, people
make stupid mistakes.

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Like, you know, there could be people
like, oh my gosh, how stupid can you be?

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There wasn't a sign there.

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I mean, what if it was an unlisted house?

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What if it was up for sale by owner?

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They didn't have a sign.

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You don't know the full story.

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So again, When we jump to conclusions,
when we jump to, you know, thinking the

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worst, um, it's really just creating
more misery in our lives, right?

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Like, I spent days festering
over this letter I received,

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I got myself worked up.

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I spent days stressing about it,
being worried about it, coming up

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with all these stories , you know,
trying to build up my case about how

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right I am and how wronged I was.

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Right?

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Like a victim.

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I am.

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That kind of thing.

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And it's like, what a waste.

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What a waste of time and energy
that I spent worrying and

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getting upset and angry and

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Being in that space because
of my own need to be, right.

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My need to just see things the way I
see them and not see the other side.

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Right.

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Or to see that there could be
another situation actually happening.

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Right.

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And I think that's something to bring up
is to step back at these times, right?

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Like in a situation where we
might see somebody on the side

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of the road and wanna judge them.

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Like maybe it's time that we stop
wasting energy judging other people.

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And maybe telling ourselves like, Hey,
there could be an explanation that I'm not

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aware of that might make this situation

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okay.

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And the other piece of this is,
why the f*ck do I care so much?

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Like, why are we spending so
much time and energy caring about

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what other people are doing?

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Like why do we care so much about
being righteous or being right?

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Like why can't I let people just be them?

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Another thing that happened on my
recent trip is I was behind this

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woman in the TSA line and she had
a tattoo on the back of her arm

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that said "let them."

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And I wrote that down because
I was like, wow, that small

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two word sentence is so huge.

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Let them, how simple and
impactful is that statement?

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Don't let yourself get worked up.

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If somebody has feelings about something,
if somebody wants to do something in

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a certain way, Let them, why are we
letting it get ourselves all upset?

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Right?

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This kind of brings to mind just right
now is how upset I get when my kids

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put the dishes and the dishwasher
not the way that I like them to be.

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Right?

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Or it could be when my husband's
helping me out with something and he

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does it not the way that I would do it.

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I immediately wanna be self-righteous
and tell him how wrong he is because

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he is doing it the wrong way.

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In reality, it's like if he's doing
the job, he's trying to help me, or

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he's doing the task that I'm asking him
to do, if he's actually just doing it

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and he's doing it his own way, why the
fuck should I care on how he does it?

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If he doesn't do it the exact way
I do it, does it really matter?

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Does it really?

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No, it doesn't.

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All it is doing is making me upset.

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It's bringing my vibe down, right?

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It's getting me all worked up over
things that really don't matter.

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and I keep having things pop up,
having these experiences and I think

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it's to get that message across.

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And so I'm like, Hey, I need to get this
message across on the podcast, right?

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Because this is a message that I think
other people need to become aware of

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too, is in what ways are we creating
more misery for ourselves, more anger

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and stress and irritability in our life,
just by getting so worked up on things

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where we could really just, let them.

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Let people do the things
that they need to do.

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Like not inserting ourselves in
places that don't need to be inserted.

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Right?

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Like, if it's not hurting somebody
or , it's not a dangerous thing.

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Like we really don't
need to step in, right?

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We don't need a medle, we
don't need to insert ourselves.

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We need to be more mindful
of when we're judging, right?

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Judging others and how they're
doing things, but also how

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we're reading into things that
might not really be there, right?

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So again, if we're assuming the worst
in these different situations that may

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come up like in a conversation, in a text
, something somebody does, like we start

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reading into a text message and just,
like assuming the worst, like thinking

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they're out to get us, all these things.

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um, There is a way that
we can check ourselves.

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And, I can't remember exactly which
books, I think I've heard it in multiple

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different ways from multiple sources.

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So I don't know where the original
idea actually came from, but I know

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I've heard it from multiple, like
audio books and different things.

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But one way to gauge if you should really
be getting worked up and upset about

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something or if you're assuming something
that may not be true, is you have to ask

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yourself the question like, do I know
with a hundred percent certainty that this

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story I'm telling myself is a hundred
percent true, without any doubts?

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Like a hundred percent, I know
that what I'm thinking about this

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situation, about what I'm reading,
do I know for a fact it's a hundred

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percent true what I'm telling myself.

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I guarantee that most time you're
not gonna be a hundred percent sure.

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So the answer would be no, which
means you can't just assume.

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That this is right.

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And I know it's a hard thing to do, right?

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Like we can just really go to that space
so quickly and get ourselves worked up.

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But I think the way we combat this is
we become more and more aware, right?

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So for me, I wish I could have been
a little bit more mindful when I

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first read that and, if I could
take a minute when I started feeling

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myself, get upset and say, Huh?

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Breathe Chelsea.

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Like, let's look at this.

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Do I know for a hundred percent
certainty that this is exactly

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what they meant by this?

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Because if I don't know for a
hundred percent certainty, then

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I probably should reach back out
and ask more questions, right?

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We should always ask more questions
to get more information so that we can

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get that clarity before we just start.

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Jumping to conclusions, jumping
to defensiveness, jumping into

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being offended, jumping into being
judgmental, jumping into being the

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victim, and being self-righteous.

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And then getting that need to
feel right and prove our rightness.

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00:11:44,985 --> 00:11:48,165
And to then talk to anybody who will
listen to us about how wronged I was and

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00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:50,895
how wrong they are and how right I am.

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And.

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Poor me, right?

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Like we start going down that
loop hole because all that is

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doing to us is dragging us down.

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And I can tell you I definitely
experienced that, like I was dragging

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myself down, which then bled into
the other experiences I was having in

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that moment, in that week where I was
so focused on, poor me and why me,

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and just, letting that stuff fester.

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And again, I always like to use this
vision of almost like a tornado, right?

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Like a funnel.

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It's a cycle.

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It's a circle.

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It gets, you get sucked in to this
tornado of self-doubt, insecurities

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and that negative, vibrational
loop and it keeps you stuck down.

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And the only way to start getting
yourselves back up and out and start going

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the opposite way of getting into higher
vibrational, circles up here is to start

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letting that stuff go, The way to get
outta that negative loop is you really

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have to check yourself and change
your mindset and start seeing that

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there could be some other reasons.

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There could be some missing
information that is keeping me

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from seeing things a certain way.

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Right?

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And it's about finding those
answers and finding the information,

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actually asking questions and having
good communication and clarity.

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Like maybe if you saw, my Father-in-law's
uncle on the side of the road, maybe

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somebody could have pulled over and
said like, Hey, do you need some help?

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Like, what's going on here?

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Instead of just driving by giving
dirty looks like maybe if they stopped

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00:13:10,908 --> 00:13:13,608
and then they could have helped the
woman and could have understood the

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00:13:13,608 --> 00:13:17,538
situation a little bit better and saw
and understood that, oh, actually this

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00:13:17,538 --> 00:13:21,728
guy who looks, normal because he's just
sitting in a car, but actually he is

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paralyzed and cannot move his legs, right?

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00:13:24,128 --> 00:13:26,408
They might get new information
so then they could maybe help the

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00:13:26,408 --> 00:13:29,168
situation and help the woman and
the children, you know what I mean?

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00:13:29,258 --> 00:13:34,268
So there's ways to get more information
and gain clarity and to really see

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things from that other possible scenario.

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00:13:37,148 --> 00:13:38,678
And that brings me to that other side.

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If you don't know with a hundred
percent certainty, then there's

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another possibility available, right?

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There is another answer possible.

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So that's the other question you
could ask yourself is after you ask

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yourself, do I know for a fact that
this is a hundred percent the truth?

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00:13:51,492 --> 00:13:55,625
Or is there a possibility that
there could be more to this story?

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00:13:55,625 --> 00:13:58,265
Is there a possibility that
this could mean something else?

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00:13:58,445 --> 00:14:01,715
Is there a possibility that
I could be wrong about this?

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00:14:01,868 --> 00:14:04,733
Because I guarantee that if you
can stop and ask yourself that

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00:14:04,733 --> 00:14:06,593
question, it's probably gonna be.

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00:14:06,923 --> 00:14:10,553
Yes, there is another possibility
to this and I might not have

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00:14:10,553 --> 00:14:11,753
it a hundred percent right?

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00:14:12,203 --> 00:14:15,023
Because if we can get out of that
mindset of always needing to be

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00:14:15,023 --> 00:14:18,613
right and always needing to be first,
and that whole way we get raised to

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00:14:18,613 --> 00:14:21,133
live in that ego based mind, right?

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00:14:21,183 --> 00:14:24,423
The more peaceful we can be, the more
joy we can experience in our life, the

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00:14:24,423 --> 00:14:29,353
more high vibe we can be by not getting
so worked up and spiraling in those

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00:14:29,353 --> 00:14:34,393
negative energies, we can then let
shit go and start just enjoying life.

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Let people be how they're gonna be.

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You focus on you.

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Focus on enjoying what you enjoy
and focus on what brings you joy and

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really having a peaceful, happy life.

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00:14:45,238 --> 00:14:48,748
Being happy, is all
dependent on you, right?

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00:14:48,878 --> 00:14:52,648
Wayne Dyer always used to say, it's
not the way to happiness, right?

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Like, happiness is the way.

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00:14:54,938 --> 00:14:56,918
There is no path to happiness.

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00:14:56,918 --> 00:14:59,408
There is no x, y, Z to get to happiness.

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00:14:59,413 --> 00:15:03,048
It's really just starting with
you and knowing like you have

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to create your own happiness.

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00:15:04,248 --> 00:15:07,723
Like your happiness is you,
like it's what you're doing.

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00:15:07,723 --> 00:15:09,823
So if you're not happy with
something, then you need to

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00:15:09,823 --> 00:15:11,293
change something in that, right?

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00:15:11,293 --> 00:15:12,733
Like, how do you have a better attitude?

323
00:15:12,733 --> 00:15:15,283
How do you have a different
perspective on what's going on?

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00:15:15,883 --> 00:15:17,623
How can you see things differently?

325
00:15:18,223 --> 00:15:19,903
It really starts with just becoming aware.

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00:15:19,903 --> 00:15:23,713
It starts with reading books and
getting new ideas, listening to podcasts

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00:15:23,713 --> 00:15:26,943
like this, seeing people's tattoos
with awesome messages on 'em that

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00:15:26,943 --> 00:15:28,413
spark something in your head, right?

329
00:15:28,413 --> 00:15:30,253
Like it's opening up our minds.

330
00:15:30,433 --> 00:15:33,413
It's becoming more aware of
how we are getting into these

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00:15:33,413 --> 00:15:35,183
lower vibrational states, right?

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00:15:35,183 --> 00:15:38,453
Like when we are triggered, when we
get angered, when we get irritable,

333
00:15:38,453 --> 00:15:41,033
when we feel all judgmental and
wanna like point fingers and

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00:15:41,033 --> 00:15:42,603
stuff like, what's going on in us?

335
00:15:42,603 --> 00:15:43,823
Why do we care so much?

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00:15:43,823 --> 00:15:49,338
Like that is something that you should
become aware to start asking yourself

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00:15:49,338 --> 00:15:52,758
questions and to start getting some
clarity so that you can kind of clear

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00:15:52,758 --> 00:15:58,138
that stuff and learn how to let stuff
go, how to, transition out from these

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00:15:58,138 --> 00:16:01,408
negative energies and out of these
negative emotions so that you can

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00:16:01,408 --> 00:16:03,658
have a more peaceful and joyful life.

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00:16:03,658 --> 00:16:06,718
Right, because I feel like that's like
the goal for a lot of people, right?

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00:16:06,864 --> 00:16:09,774
Is to stop living these, you
know, miserable lives or to stop

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00:16:09,774 --> 00:16:10,914
getting so angry all the time.

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00:16:10,914 --> 00:16:14,964
I know that was the big thing for me
is I found myself so angry all the

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00:16:14,964 --> 00:16:18,509
time with my kids, with my husband,
like always, they're doing it wrong.

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00:16:18,509 --> 00:16:21,539
Again, these things that are just
popping up for me all the time as like

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00:16:21,959 --> 00:16:26,129
finally coming to this awareness and
realization of how high strung I am about

348
00:16:26,129 --> 00:16:28,769
things that don't really matter, right?

349
00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:32,292
My, my husband every year gets my
mother-in-law, his mom, the don't

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00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:33,762
sweat the small stuff calendar.

351
00:16:34,062 --> 00:16:35,172
It's a huge message, right?

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00:16:35,172 --> 00:16:40,002
Because how many of us are sitting there
wasting time and energy, sweating small

353
00:16:40,002 --> 00:16:42,222
stuff that really doesn't matter, right?

354
00:16:42,822 --> 00:16:46,992
Like what matters is the love we
share, the love we bring, and the joy

355
00:16:46,992 --> 00:16:48,942
we can show up in life with, right?

356
00:16:48,947 --> 00:16:50,339
Like life's hard, right?

357
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:51,679
Life is always gonna be hard.

358
00:16:51,679 --> 00:16:54,709
There's always gonna be challenges, and
it's how we rise up from those challenges.

359
00:16:54,709 --> 00:17:00,596
It's how we show up and how we can choose
love and how we continue to keep standing

360
00:17:00,596 --> 00:17:02,276
back up when we get knocked down, right?

361
00:17:02,456 --> 00:17:07,616
And it's in those moments when we're
standing back up, when we can laugh again

362
00:17:07,616 --> 00:17:10,706
after, you know, grieving for so long.

363
00:17:10,711 --> 00:17:15,006
It's those little things, those little
moments of pure joy and pure love.

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00:17:15,006 --> 00:17:17,556
When you can show up in those moments
and when you can experience those

365
00:17:17,556 --> 00:17:20,576
moments and do so where other people
are seeing you enjoy those moments,

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00:17:20,576 --> 00:17:23,096
it's just a way to spread your light.

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00:17:23,186 --> 00:17:26,211
It's, basically like,
lighting a candle, right?

368
00:17:26,261 --> 00:17:29,471
When you experience these moments of love
and joy out in the world and somebody

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00:17:29,471 --> 00:17:33,371
else sees it, it's like a spark that
then ignites the next candle, which

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00:17:33,371 --> 00:17:35,471
then ignites the next candle, right?

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00:17:35,711 --> 00:17:40,641
In one of Wayne Dyer's lectures he
talks about when anybody does an act

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00:17:40,641 --> 00:17:45,651
of kindness, that that positive energy,
that positive experience, affects the

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00:17:45,656 --> 00:17:47,811
person who is doing the act of kindness.

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00:17:47,881 --> 00:17:51,181
It affects the person who is receiving
that act of kindness and anybody who

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00:17:51,181 --> 00:17:54,361
witnessed that act of kindness, it
affects all three of those people

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00:17:54,361 --> 00:17:56,071
involved in that act of kindness.

377
00:17:56,251 --> 00:17:58,441
And, and you can see how
that ripples out, right?

378
00:17:58,441 --> 00:18:01,226
That high love vibrational
state is contagious.

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00:18:01,231 --> 00:18:03,836
It is what helps elevate
everybody collectively.

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00:18:03,836 --> 00:18:10,406
And so if we can all learn how to become
more aware and manage our negative

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00:18:10,406 --> 00:18:13,801
emotions and become aware of when
we're in these negative low vibrational

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00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:18,181
states and know how to correct that
or how to overcome those things.

383
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,821
to get back up, to joy and to love.

384
00:18:21,001 --> 00:18:21,421
Right?

385
00:18:21,511 --> 00:18:24,571
That's the goal and that's the beauty
of life is really overcoming that

386
00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:28,021
and then being the light for other
people to then be able to heal and

387
00:18:28,021 --> 00:18:30,931
also return to love and return to joy.

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00:18:31,831 --> 00:18:35,641
So I would love to hear any stories,
if you have any examples too, of

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00:18:35,641 --> 00:18:39,371
things that you maybe misunderstood,
especially if it's a funny story like

390
00:18:39,371 --> 00:18:42,381
my father-in-law's one, like that one
did make me giggle and when he tells it.

391
00:18:42,401 --> 00:18:43,451
I think he giggles too.

392
00:18:43,901 --> 00:18:46,331
Um, but I hope you guys
are all doing well.

393
00:18:46,421 --> 00:18:47,861
I look forward to seeing
you guys more often.

394
00:18:47,861 --> 00:18:48,521
I'm super excited.

395
00:18:48,526 --> 00:18:51,671
This is the one year anniversary
of the Heart AF podcast.

396
00:18:51,671 --> 00:18:55,481
Super exciting news, um, that I've
made it a year and I can't wait to

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00:18:55,481 --> 00:18:59,621
keep bringing you guys more inspiring
and hopefully helpful content.

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00:18:59,981 --> 00:19:03,851
You guys can find me on Facebook
or Instagram @chelsea.vanbuskirk

399
00:19:03,926 --> 00:19:05,126
I'd love to hear from you guys.

400
00:19:05,126 --> 00:19:06,926
Send me a DM and I'll see you guys soon.

401
00:19:07,016 --> 00:19:07,466
Bye.

402
00:19:07,796 --> 00:19:08,306
Peace.