33. How To Rise Above Our Painful Experiences

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Hey everyone.

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What's up?

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It's Chelsea Van Buskirk
with the Heart AF podcast.

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Hope you guys are all doing well.

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Um, happy to be back
to do another episode.

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I was talking last time about
changing our perspectives, right?

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Changing the lens in which we see
our world coming from a place of love

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versus a, a place of fear where we
can get totally misaligned, looking

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through that fear lens and how that
can really bring us down and really

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have us live our lives in a more
negative way than it needs to be, right?

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And sometimes changing our life and
shifting things into a more positive

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way is shifting that perspective and
seeing things through that love lens.

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And I've been talking about how
I've gone through this, painful

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experience a couple months ago and,
still recovering from, that experience.

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Cause it was one of these, earth
shattering, life-changing seasons

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of life, that I think are definitely
needed for our self-growth, for a

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positive change to get our lives back
into alignment for what's best for, our

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highest good and how we can live life
in a more happy, more aligned state.

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And I've been thinking about it
because, It is hard when you are

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stuck in that lower vibrational state
when you're still stuck in that pain.

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And here's the thing is, I was
reflecting back on the book, I

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mentioned last week, a Return to Love.

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I was revisiting some of the
chapters, that I'd highlighted.

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And one of the chapters was talking about,
how the ego, thrives on pain, right?

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Like it's very attached to pain.

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It's attached into that
victimhood mindset, right?

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Our ego almost creates pain
in a lot of ways I think.

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Like if you're somebody who has
experienced a lot of trauma, whether that

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is early childhood trauma or just has gone
through a lot of painful moments in our

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lives, we tend to like circle back and
wanna go back to these painful moments.

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Like we get addicted to being in pain.

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Like, I know for me, whenever
life is going well, and

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I'm feeling good and happy.

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I'm just waiting for that next
moment to happen where everything's

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gonna come falling down.

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Right?

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Because it's happened again and again in
my life that it's almost like I expected.

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I, I'm just waiting for
that next traumatic moment.

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Um, for a long time it was
always things with my dad.

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Um, you know, I've shared a
little bit about his story.

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He was a quadriplegic.

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There was many health issues.

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He was, you know, one of the
most important people in my life.

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And I was always living on edge,
like waiting for that phone call

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for the next time he was gonna
need to go to the hospital or for

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that next in crisis moment, right?

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And I feel like our family has
always just been that way, like the

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family I grew up with, like there
was always a crisis that was coming.

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Like it was always a matter of time
before the next crisis happened, right?

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And that just was the way I grew up.

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Whether it was, my mom, she, had
another overdose or you know, she

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was back in jail, or my sister got
taken away again, , there was always

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something that was happening, right?

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Like it was, life is smooth,
I'm in my own little world.

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And then boom, another.

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Traumatic experience would happen.

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Right.

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And I just kind of got used to that.

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And I think that's similar for
other people who have experienced

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traumatic moments or painful
moments in their lives where you

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just get kind of hung up in that.

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And the other thing is, there's
this thing called trauma bonding.

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Right where we tend to seek out other
people who have had these painful

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experiences and we kind of attract
to each other and we bond about these

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shared like shitty life experiences.

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It becomes something that
we can relate to others on.

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I think it's much easier for us to relate
to other people who are struggling.

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Right?

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Like it's hard as a society, I feel like
to even talk about when things are going

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well sometimes, um, that it's almost like
we can relate and, and fall into this

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community if we're all suffering, right?

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Even with like weight loss, like if I've
made some weight loss goals, it's like

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now I can't relate to people who are
still struggling with their weight or

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who are still struggling to get there.

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It's like, I wish I was
still struggling too.

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Like you sometimes maybe self-sabotage
to get yourself back into that camp

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where you can relate to these people
and be in a similar circumstance.

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Like we just kind of thrive
on that connection and wanting

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to be like everybody else.

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Like it almost becomes abnormal
then for us to be doing well and

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we're not having issues, right?

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Like it's almost like we get addicted
to creating drama in our lives, right?

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Like creating these.

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Dramas and traumas in our life, cuz
that's where we feel comfortable.

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And again, this is what our ego wants.

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Our ego is addicted and attracted
to being that victim, to being in

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those lower vibrational states.

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Right?

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And so it can be so hard to pull ourselves
up and out and to become these higher

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vibrational beings and to become the
people that can be happy and feeling good.

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sometimes that can even
be a hard place to be.

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Where we're sucked into that victim hood.

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Our egos thrive on that pain, right?

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They wanna keep us in that pain.

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And, one of the things Marianne
Williamson talks about in her book,

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A Return to Love, is that forgiveness
is the only way out of pain.

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And the other thing she says is
that, As we learn to love and

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allow ourselves to be loved is
really that key to forgiveness.

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Like the way out of pain, the
way we can release ourselves out

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of pain is letting ourselves be
loved and showing love ourselves.

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Right?

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Um, it's showing that forgiveness.

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So whether it's forgiving yourself for
something that you've been doing to

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yourself, like those self-sabotage things
that you might be doing, um, whether it's

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finally forgiving, A parent, like if you
had, a traumatic relationship with a

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parent, like just finally showing that
love and forgiveness and releasing it.

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Releasing and forgiving, you know,
any person that's done you wrong

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or, that's hurt you, whether
that's a friend, a spouse, um, any

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type of resentment you're holding
onto, or that victim stuff, right?

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We like to hold onto being right,
like we've been wronged and so we're

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gonna hold onto that anger and that
righteousness of you wronged me so.

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You know, f you, I'm pissed.

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I deserve better.

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And you get stuck into that.

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Like that's what our ego wants, right?

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Like our ego wants to be
right, our ego wants to win.

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And the way out of that pain, a way
out of that negativity is actually

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to forgive and release, right?

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It's about showing compassion and
love and just letting it go, letting

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people do what they're gonna do, right?

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You can't control what other people are
gonna do, but you can control yourself.

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And really, we start hurting ourselves
when we, are stuck on those egotistical,

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victimhood, spiraling, negative, low
vibrational, like staying in pain.

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Like we're literally creating
our own suffering by holding

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onto this need to be right, which
again is our ego coming at play.

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And the only way to release
that is through love.

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It's through a higher source, right?

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It's through this, divine mind, right?

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We are all healed
through the same process.

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And that process is coming
back to love and reconnecting

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to that divine place within us.

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Right?

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Like that all-encompassing,
unconditional love, pure love,

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divine love, source energy, God,
whatever you wanna name it, call it.

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That's it.

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That's what we call on to help
release us from that pain.

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It's coming out of that ego mind and
coming in to that higher mind, right?

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That Christ mind, that God within, however
you wanna phrase it, that's what it is.

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That is a powerful energy that we can call
on that's always there within us that we

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need to remind ourselves and reconnect to.

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And by doing that, we're
releasing our minds.

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We're releasing our egos.

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We're letting that pure love inside us to
help cleanse and purify us from these.

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You know, if you wanna call 'em evil
or low vibrational thoughts, that ego

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mind like letting go of playing the
victim, of wanting to be right and just

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letting things be and really releasing
us from these negative energies.

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These vibrational states that just
keep us down and keep us in our pain

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and in this suffering and keeping
us on that cusp of always waiting

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for the next thing to go wrong.

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And that's how we manifest these things
that keep happening for ourselves.

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Cause we keep expecting it.

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Right?

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Like things happen if you believe them.

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Right?

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Like our beliefs, our minds are so
powerful and the science is everywhere.

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Like I feel like especially now, I
see it everywhere and maybe that's

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just me, cuz that's my awareness.

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I see it everywhere and I wanna
turn that on for you because it

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is, our minds are so powerful.

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We are so powerful.

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And.

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We really need to come to that
realization that we have more control

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and power than we think over our own
suffering and how we can flip that switch

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.
Putting on the love lense, calling on
that higher power to help us release

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those ego stories that are in our ego
mind, our human mind, to help us see

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that there is a higher place, there
is the ability to live in this space

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in a more joyful and happy state.

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And where we can expect love, where we
can expect good things to happen, where we

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can expect that it is our God-given right
to live in joy to be love and be loved.

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And sometimes it can be hard.

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We can be blocking ourselves
from even receiving the love

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that is around us, right?

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We create these walls with that lower
vibrational state, like we're not opening

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ourselves up to receiving the love that's
actually there and available to us.

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So I know for me , like anytime
things are going right, I'm always

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expecting the worst to happen,
and that's one of my flaws.

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And I would love to know, if that's
something that you also do, whether

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intentionally or unintentionally.

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It's just something we're in the
habit of because that's been our life

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and we have to break those cycles.

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We have to break that negative
loop that we keep repeating.

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Until we know better, until we can
learn to love ourselves, to really

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forgive those that have hurt us.

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To let go of the need to be
right and to really embrace.

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That love and kindness and showing
grace for others and letting things

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go, because really all it is doing
is it's hurting ourselves, right?

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Like again, we're creating our own
suffering by holding onto these

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hurts, by holding onto that pain.

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And so I wanna invite you all with
this, a episode this week is to really

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dig deep and to see what ways are you
contributing to your own suffering,

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and what ways are you still holding
onto pains and past hurts that you.

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Really need to work on letting
go, letting it be, sending that

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forgiveness out to whoever has hurt you.

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And even if that means forgiving
yourself, because so many times we

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are so quick to, berate ourselves,
to judge ourselves, and to really,

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put our own selves down, right?

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Like, we tend to say, oh, it's my
fault that I was treated this way.

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I did these things wrong.

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Or, we're really quick.

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To judge ourselves and to say
all the things that we did wrong.

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And when you are forgiving people that
you might hold grievances against, you

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also need to remember to forgive yourself
and really allow yourself to be loved.

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And again, reconnecting to that divine
love, that divine source energy that

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is within you that you can connect to.

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And all you have to do is ask for it, is
to have that intention of connecting with

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it, to allowing that love wash over you.

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Um, there's a lot of exercises in
many different books, different

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ways to, visualize this process.

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Where you can step into the light or you
envision this pure white light coming

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down through the top of your head and
just washing over through you, and almost

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like a self purification process where
you're letting that love just melt and

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release any darkness that you're holding
onto with it and just letting it go.

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I've heard people talking about, you
know, putting it into bubbles and

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blowing the darkness away, right?

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Like, there's so many different ways
to visualize this process, and really

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it's just having that intention.

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Of wanting to let go of wanting to let
love in and really send out forgiveness

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to whoever you need to send it to.

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And letting that pain dissipate and
getting into the mindset where you are

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believing that you are lovable, that you
are worthy, that it is your natural born

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right to, to experience love and joy.

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Right?

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That it's okay to be content
with our lives, right?

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Like we don't need to be
waiting for that next drama.

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We don't need to be creating things
in our lives because, that's

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what keeps things exciting.

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Or we're trying to almost keep ourselves
safe by creating that next drama.

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So I can know what to expect.

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I can be more in control of the
drama by creating it myself, right?

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I feel like that's something
that we do I mean, I know for

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sure I do that all the time.

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Like I might create drama that's not
even really there, because that's

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what I'm used to doing, right?

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Like, if I can stay in control, like
if I wanna find a way to keep myself

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safe, Then I, again, create these
walls, create these stories, create this

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drama around me that brings me pain.

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And it's like I can say,
oh, I was right, right?

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, like we're manifesting stuff for
ourselves, like we can get stuck on

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the, I'm expecting the worst to happen.

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I'm expecting the worst to
happen, and the worst happens.

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That's the way, the
law of attraction works.

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So if it works that way, it
also works the other way.

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So start expecting the best.

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You know, I've talked about this,
you have to, really flip that switch

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and start believing the best, you
know, if you can believe the worst,

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you can believe the best also.

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And so it's really starting
to focus on the positive.

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I am love.

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I am joy.

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I deserve love.

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I deserve joy.

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And knowing that you're worth it and
knowing that it's possible for you,

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and knowing that life doesn't have to
be full of drama, that we can actually

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bond in our collective happiness.

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00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:25,711
I feel like so much of our
society is based on, you know,

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00:12:25,761 --> 00:12:28,431
if I have something that means somebody
is without, right, like we're in

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this scarcity kind of society and
really the world is not like that.

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The universe is not built like that.

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We come from an abundant universe.

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We come from an abundant source.

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There's always enough to go around.

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We really have to instill that and
believe that in order for us to see

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that it's okay for me to be happy.

264
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Me being happy doesn't mean somebody
else has to be unhappy, right?

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Me making money doesn't mean that that's
less money for that person to make.

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Like there is enough to go around, right?

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Like we really have to
be in that mentality.

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And so many of us are still so focused
that it's a dog eat dog world, right?

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Where if I wanna get to the top,
I have to step on this person's

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head to get there, right?

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We start associating, you know,
these negative connotations with

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success where, you know, the people
who are successful are evil, right?

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00:13:08,819 --> 00:13:12,899
Like we tend to be hung up on those
stories and it's really time for us to

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really shift our mindset and really see.

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That we live in our abundant
world, that it's not evil to be

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successful, that there's enough
to go around that if I win doesn't

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mean that somebody else has to lose.

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It means I'm showing the next
person how to win, right?

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It's sharing an abundance.

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00:13:27,499 --> 00:13:31,814
It's knowing that if I can accomplish
something, you can do it too, right?

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00:13:31,974 --> 00:13:35,034
our ego wants to keep us in
those low vibrational states.

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It wants to keep us in those negative
habits that keep us in that negative loop.

283
00:13:40,644 --> 00:13:43,845
And the only way to let go of
that darkness, that victim hood

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to let go of that pain is to let
the love in, let the light in.

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Let source in.

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Right?

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00:13:51,168 --> 00:13:56,057
Like letting that in and let
things melt away and knowing that

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love is the key, right?

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00:13:58,256 --> 00:14:02,366
That is the key to our healing,
to freeing ourselves from this

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00:14:02,518 --> 00:14:08,218
suffering, from hanging on to
that victim hood, to that pain.

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00:14:08,488 --> 00:14:14,518
To letting go and being able to
forgive and release and be able to

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00:14:14,518 --> 00:14:19,618
enjoy life again, and to be able
to expect the best and know that

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when we get hurt, when somebody makes
us feel bad, to really be able to

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take a step back and see how maybe
it's not really us, that it's a really

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00:14:29,178 --> 00:14:33,948
reflection on them and to not take things
so personally because again, our ego

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00:14:33,953 --> 00:14:38,088
mind is gonna wanna us to take things
personally, is gonna wanna be offended,

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00:14:38,208 --> 00:14:42,003
is gonna wanna again, Twist the story so
that we're the victim, and we start to

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00:14:42,003 --> 00:14:46,053
again, instill that suffering within us
because we're focused on the wrong thing.

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00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:46,323
Right?

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00:14:46,323 --> 00:14:49,863
It's about flipping that switch
and changing the way you view it.

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00:14:49,863 --> 00:14:52,893
And to see, you know, maybe this
person's just having a bad day.

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00:14:53,343 --> 00:14:55,593
I'm not gonna take it personal,
like letting go of being offended.

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00:14:55,598 --> 00:14:58,043
Just forgive them, let them
be how they're gonna be and

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00:14:58,043 --> 00:14:59,093
not taking things personally.

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00:14:59,093 --> 00:15:02,543
And you keep that focus on
yourself and feeling good.

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That just reminded me
of one of Wayne Dyer's.

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00:15:05,198 --> 00:15:05,588
Quotes.

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00:15:05,588 --> 00:15:08,048
I can't remember which book exactly it
comes from, but he always would say,

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00:15:08,048 --> 00:15:10,028
feeling good is feeling God, right?

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00:15:10,028 --> 00:15:12,368
Like that is how our natural
state is supposed to be, is to be

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00:15:12,368 --> 00:15:14,768
feeling good, is to be feeling joy.

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00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:18,848
And we can choose how we
feel again, by our thoughts.

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00:15:19,028 --> 00:15:23,258
Our thoughts are so powerful and a
lot of times it's not the situation

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00:15:23,318 --> 00:15:25,118
itself that causes us hurt and pain.

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00:15:25,118 --> 00:15:27,008
It's how we're thinking
about that situation.

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00:15:27,158 --> 00:15:29,018
So again, we have to change our mindset.

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00:15:29,213 --> 00:15:33,983
And rewire our thinking so that we
can see it in a different way, so

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00:15:33,983 --> 00:15:38,933
that we can see it through that lens
of love and not let it kill our vibe.

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00:15:38,993 --> 00:15:39,473
Right?

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00:15:39,623 --> 00:15:45,218
Like being able to just keep moving
through life in a joyful state to

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00:15:45,368 --> 00:15:49,283
not let these things come up, or
being so offended all the time and

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00:15:49,283 --> 00:15:52,253
letting ourselves get worked up
again and bringing us down, right?

323
00:15:52,523 --> 00:15:57,018
We have to work on pulling ourselves
back up and I know this sounds so super

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00:15:57,018 --> 00:16:00,738
easy and depending on the situation,
you might be in a really dark place.

325
00:16:00,768 --> 00:16:04,348
That darkness, that pain
might be so deep and hurt.

326
00:16:04,378 --> 00:16:08,128
Like I know what that's like, where
you're just like, what the fuck

327
00:16:08,128 --> 00:16:09,238
are you talking about Chelsea?

328
00:16:09,238 --> 00:16:12,298
Like, there's no way I can just
move on from this hurt and pain.

329
00:16:12,303 --> 00:16:15,238
Like this person did this to me like,
my heart has been ripped outta my chest.

330
00:16:15,568 --> 00:16:16,288
I get it.

331
00:16:16,798 --> 00:16:20,368
And it's not easy, and it's not
like it happens instantaneously,

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00:16:20,373 --> 00:16:23,308
but again, this is why I talk
about where you're asking for help.

333
00:16:23,308 --> 00:16:27,838
You're asking a higher power to
help you see things differently.

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00:16:27,870 --> 00:16:29,220
You're asking for that help.

335
00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:31,470
It's a prayer, it's a meditation.

336
00:16:31,470 --> 00:16:35,520
It is a talk with that divine source
and asking for that energy to help

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00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,360
ease your ego based mind that's
causing that hurt and pain within you.

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00:16:39,561 --> 00:16:40,971
You can't do it all alone.

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00:16:41,061 --> 00:16:42,741
Your humanness cannot do it all alone.

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00:16:42,741 --> 00:16:46,221
You have to rely on that higher
source, that higher pure love energy

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00:16:46,226 --> 00:16:48,441
is what's gonna help you get through.

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00:16:48,861 --> 00:16:53,481
Um, something else that was talked about
in this text was this three day period

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00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:58,041
of asking for help and giving it three
days, holding on for just three days

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00:16:58,041 --> 00:17:03,231
after you've asked for that help from that
universal love, from that source energy,

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00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:05,301
from God, whatever you wanna call it.

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00:17:05,721 --> 00:17:09,261
Calling in that energy and asking for
help to see things differently, to

347
00:17:09,261 --> 00:17:11,061
see things through that lens of love.

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00:17:11,301 --> 00:17:14,061
Give it three days and see how
you feel in three days and see

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if things have not changed.

350
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:16,375
I think that's huge.

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00:17:16,375 --> 00:17:22,835
So this week I would love if you are
experiencing any type of pain, if there is

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00:17:22,835 --> 00:17:24,665
like that victimhood that's still in you.

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00:17:24,845 --> 00:17:28,415
If there's a moment in the last week
where you felt victimized or offended,

354
00:17:28,595 --> 00:17:31,625
why don't you reflect back on that and
see if you can see things differently.

355
00:17:31,753 --> 00:17:33,283
See if you can let things go.

356
00:17:33,283 --> 00:17:37,333
See if there's a way that you can
allow forgiveness to come through you.

357
00:17:37,423 --> 00:17:40,963
See if there's a way that you can
let that love in, let things go,

358
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:45,190
To boost yourself up, to get you in
that higher vibrational state, to get

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00:17:45,195 --> 00:17:52,216
back in, to love, to get back in to that
state of mind where you're able to be

360
00:17:52,216 --> 00:17:58,066
content, where you find peace, where
you can find joy and let love in and

361
00:17:58,066 --> 00:18:02,616
let yourself be loved and experience the
beauty of what life has to offer you.

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00:18:02,806 --> 00:18:05,731
I'm gonna, link this book cuz it
is so good especially if you're

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00:18:05,731 --> 00:18:08,461
going through stuff and it, it talks
about all different facets of life.

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00:18:08,491 --> 00:18:12,061
Every time I read it, I pick up
new little things or things click,

365
00:18:12,061 --> 00:18:13,591
or I hear it a different way.

366
00:18:13,621 --> 00:18:14,611
It's really great.

367
00:18:14,638 --> 00:18:19,471
And I've really come to realize
how much I've played a part in my

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00:18:19,471 --> 00:18:22,021
own suffering, especially recently,
like, I'm still struggling.

369
00:18:22,021 --> 00:18:25,861
I'm not saying that like life doesn't
happen and you still don't get

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00:18:25,861 --> 00:18:27,301
upset, you still don't get angry.

371
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:28,981
Like, that's bullshit.

372
00:18:28,981 --> 00:18:29,731
Like life is life.

373
00:18:29,731 --> 00:18:32,071
Like, you're still gonna get
annoyed, like life is a process.

374
00:18:32,071 --> 00:18:33,391
Our self growth is a process.

375
00:18:33,391 --> 00:18:34,651
It's not like it ever stops.

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00:18:34,651 --> 00:18:37,171
It's not like all of a sudden you just
become like completely fine and you're

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00:18:37,171 --> 00:18:39,721
always happy a hundred percent all
the time, and you never get bothered.

378
00:18:40,021 --> 00:18:41,281
That's not reality.

379
00:18:41,701 --> 00:18:45,421
These are just tools to help you so you
don't stay stuck in these painful moments.

380
00:18:45,481 --> 00:18:47,821
So you don't stay stuck
in that victimhood.

381
00:18:47,941 --> 00:18:50,791
So you can work on the
next time a thing happens.

382
00:18:50,791 --> 00:18:54,171
Like start realizing what is my role that
I'm playing in my own suffering, right?

383
00:18:54,171 --> 00:18:55,581
Like you start to become aware.

384
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:57,291
So really all this is, is becoming.

385
00:18:57,636 --> 00:19:02,886
More aware of our own actions and our
own thoughts that are keeping us in

386
00:19:03,096 --> 00:19:06,666
certain low vibrational states where we
are creating our own suffering and pain.

387
00:19:06,876 --> 00:19:10,536
That's what I want you to open your
mind to and evaluate in your own life

388
00:19:10,536 --> 00:19:15,186
to, to bring up, to be able to open
you up to a greater awareness within

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00:19:15,186 --> 00:19:17,156
yourself as a part of your self-growth.

390
00:19:17,906 --> 00:19:20,766
So, thank you so much for
showing up to the show.

391
00:19:20,766 --> 00:19:23,046
I appreciate all of my listeners.

392
00:19:23,206 --> 00:19:26,086
You can always find me
on Facebook or Instagram.

393
00:19:26,236 --> 00:19:30,651
My handle is @chelsea.vanbuskirk
I love it when people reach out

394
00:19:30,651 --> 00:19:32,631
or give me feedback, let me know.

395
00:19:32,761 --> 00:19:35,461
Super excited to be back
to getting these episodes

396
00:19:35,621 --> 00:19:38,321
out more regularly,
I've missed doing this.

397
00:19:38,601 --> 00:19:41,931
please let me know how you're doing in the
world and what might have been helpful.

398
00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:47,091
What did you get from this episode that
is helping you see things maybe a little

399
00:19:47,091 --> 00:19:48,711
differently or changing your perspective?

400
00:19:49,091 --> 00:19:52,501
I'm, sending you guys all so much love,
and light, especially if you're in

401
00:19:52,506 --> 00:19:54,091
a place where you need that healing.

402
00:19:54,121 --> 00:19:57,991
Don't be afraid to ask for help
and to call on a higher power

403
00:19:58,171 --> 00:19:59,631
because you're never alone.

404
00:19:59,739 --> 00:20:01,929
Love is always available to you.

405
00:20:01,989 --> 00:20:02,739
You are loved.

406
00:20:02,739 --> 00:20:03,489
You are worthy.

407
00:20:03,635 --> 00:20:04,805
I'll see you guys next time.

408
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:05,945
Peace.