32. Change Your Life by Changing The Lens You Look Through 🧐

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Hey everyone.

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What's up?

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It's Chelsea Van Buskirk
with the Heart AF podcast.

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Hope you guys are all doing well.

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I know I'm doing so much better
than, quite a few weeks ago.

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Definitely in a better head space.

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Like I've told you before, that's what I
needed to take some time off, take a step

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back, recalibrate, and just get back into

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a good enough head space to be
able to at least speak, uh, clearly

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and get some new episodes out.

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So I'm excited to be back.

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So, last time I was talking
about, when we go through these

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moments, of being broken down.

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And how that's needed, in so
many ways to come out stronger.

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And so I'm going to , dive more
into that, and expand on it a

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little bit more in some ways.

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I think about it as if you've ever
tried to, um, gain strength or

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start a new workout program, right?

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Like your muscles get
sore as you work them.

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And what's happening actually is as
you are working out whatever muscle

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group, you know, you're actually tearing
little pieces of the muscle, right?

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Like you're tearing these muscle
fibers so that they can then break

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down and regrow bigger and stronger.

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And that's how we build up our strength.

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That's how we like, you know, can
carve these new physiques by building

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these muscle fibers and engaging
that muscle and growing them.

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But they have to be broken down to
then regrow, stronger and bigger.

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And so, I think that's a really good
analogy for exactly what we're doing

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personally, when we go through these
moments where we're being broken down in

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whatever way that is, and a lot of times
we're being broken down, um, you know,

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mentally, sometimes even physically,
In a myriad of different circumstances

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when we're broken down to, to be able
to build ourselves up and build that

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strong foundation like I was talking
about in the last episode, um, so that

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we can come out stronger and better.

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So that we can get more in alignment.

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So that we are growing and we're learning
and we're just expanding our possibilities

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for having a more joyful life, for
figuring out how we wanna live our life.

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Right?

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They always say when one door
closes, another one opens.

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Like that same mindset, right?

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When things get broken down when
we're, you know, maybe cutting

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toxic people out of our life.

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Maybe we've experienced some kind of
loss of, um, a job or a role that we

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were playing, or, a relationship role.

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When things are shifted or things
change, It can be heartbreaking.

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It can be hard.

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It can be painful, but at the same
time, it could be a jumping off point

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for you to have something better.

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Better than you could have ever imagined.

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And I think that's like the hope, right,
is you have to do the work to get over

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that hump , and through that next space.

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And, and it's hard going through it.

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And I'm, I'm a testament of that.

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Like, this last experience was something
that really knocked me on my knees, right?

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Like it really brought me down
to that space that is very

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uncomfortable, very painful.

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And when we're going through these
hard times, like when you are in the

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midst of something that's challenging,
that's testing you, uh, we tend to get

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sucked into a lot of our insecurities.

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Maybe old wounds are coming up, right?

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Maybe we're seeing where some old wounds
maybe we thought we were healed from,

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or maybe we thought we had gotten over,

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maybe those are re-exposed.

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And the problem with that is when we
are focused on these insecurities,

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it becomes this lens in which
we see different situations.

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It becomes a lens for how
we're living our life.

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And when we're living our life through
this lens of fear, based through our

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insecurities, whatever they may be, we
become, you know, paranoid, uh, we become

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like paralyzed by these different fears.

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It's like you become a different person,
your behavior starts changing, and I'm not

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gonna lie, I was there, I had some moments
where I was so hyperfocused on my fears.

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That fear can really take us over and we
really have to be able to rise above that.

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And the thing is, sometimes we
can start to manifest stuff for

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us when we're in that space.

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Like I've talked about it before,
like what you focus on expands.

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So if you're sitting here worrying
about all the worst things that could

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happen or what are the things that
would cause you the most pain, if

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you're hyperfocused on that, then.

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You're probably manifesting for
that stuff to come true, right?

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Like, you can create that.

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And the other thing that happens is if
you're stuck in this fear of like all

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the things that can go wrong, like you're
literally making yourself suffer, you're

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worrying, you're in that space where
you know you're not living at peace.

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Like you're literally creating
your own suffering, right?

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Like, and I think that's a big wake up
call is coming to terms of the reality

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and realizing that we actually are the
responsible parties in our own suffering,

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like how much responsibility we're
actually contributing in our suffering.

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Right.

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Like even if somebody else has
caused you pain, in what ways is your

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mind, making that pain worse, right?

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Like keeping it suck.

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It's your thoughts, it's your mind.

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You kind of keep circling it and
you keep spinning your own stories

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to how things went down, right?

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Like , we tend to always think
of the worst case scenario.

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It's just naturally what we wanna do is
we naturally wanna go back to like, what's

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gonna be the most painful situation.

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And we hyperfocus on that and,
and then the result of that is

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we end up hurting ourselves when.

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The reality could be, it's not even
as bad as we think it is, right?

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But we're creating these stories
because there's something that makes

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it easier for us to go to that space.

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It's easier to condemn ourselves than
it is to see the positive side or

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to see things in a different light.

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Through that lens of love,
it's very hard to go there.

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And that is why I think faith is so
important, or having a higher power is

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so important because it helps bring us
back to that unconditional love, that

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that space, that spiritual power that's
within us that we need to call upon to

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help us remember, to bring us back to
that, to that love and that oneness and

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to the reality of what's really there.

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And I think, in taking
responsibility for that.

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It's coming to terms and actually working
on overcoming these insecurities that

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we have and these insecurities, you
know, they come from, childhood traumas,

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things that we're afraid of, right?

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Like, we're afraid of failing.

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We're afraid of, being left alone, being
abandoned, being hurt, feeling pain, like

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if you have ever felt pain and rejection?

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Like you usually fight like
hell to not feel like that again.

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And sometimes we can turn to other
negative emotions like anger and all

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these other things, to try to combat that.

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Like, you know, I read a post once
that said something like that anger was

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really just, , like a mask for sadness.

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, and I think that's so very true.

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Like it's like a hurt or
sadness that comes out in anger.

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So me and my husband took a trip, out to
Maui where we have, um, the bulk of our

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short-term vacation rental properties.

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And so we had gone out there to
paint two of our condos because

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they were in pretty rough shape as
far as the reviews we were getting.

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And we knew we needed to just clean it up.

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You know, there's marks on the
walls and marks on the walls

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just makes the space look dirty.

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I had gotten quotes over the phone.

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From a couple different painting
companies to have the place painted.

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And the quotes we got were just
astronomical, like just made no

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sense for as small as the spaces that
they were, what they were charging.

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And so we decided we would go down there
and do the work ourselves and, So going

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there, I started, you know, cleaning
the walls, you know, scrubbing 'em.

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And I was using a Magic Eraser and
it turned out the magic eraser was

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actually getting rid of most of those
scuff marks that were on the wall.

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So we actually saved ourselves a lot of.

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Wall painting and mainly focused
just on painting baseboards and doors

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and then just scrubbing the walls.

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Um, I think there was really only
two or three walls we actually

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had to paint that were that bad.

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But everything else, I was able to
scrub out with that magic eraser.

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And it's not like it's easy, it's not
like it just wipes away aimlessly.

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You go, you really have to.

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Scrub it and work with it.

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And, you know, I went through
a lot of magic erasers.

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It was a lot of work to scrub it
out and maybe it could have been

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easier just to paint over it, but
sometimes too, when you paint over

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marks, they bleed through anyway.

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So it was work, but the marks
that I was able to get out made

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the wall look brand new, made it
look clean, and it, it was great.

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Right?

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It just really lifted the place up and,
It's kind of a similar thing, right?

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We wanna use this magic eraser to
help scrub out these insecurities.

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We have to scrub out these
negative thought patterns, right?

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It's hard for me to really fully express
and give you the full details of my

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own personal experience because it's
still so raw and they're still people

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involved that I don't want to, um, bring
to light at this point in time yet.

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But for me, I was very insecure
and being in this insecure space,

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my mind was hyper-focused on

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the worst case scenario, right?

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Like it's like basically seeing the worst
case scenario and being hyper-focused on

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that, and then acting as if the worst case
scenario was actively gonna be happening.

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Like being like this paranoid space.

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Like you kind of just get worked
up and then you're judgy and

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jumpy and, and you're living in
this tense fight or flight mode.

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Ready to like just hit somebody.

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You know what I mean?

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Like you're in this , like
defense mode, right?

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Like you become defensive in like,
everything and you're basically in

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this head space where you're assuming
that people are out to get you.

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You're assuming that
people wanna hurt you.

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You're assuming the
worst in everyone else.

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Because you felt this pain, because
you're insecure and you're hyper focused

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on these negative feelings, you're
now assuming that everybody's guilty.

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Everybody's out to get you.

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Everybody wants to hurt you.

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You start building up these walls,
you start living your life in this

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pessimistic, like angry, space.

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And it's, it's not a
good place to be, right?

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You're missing out, you're
missing the mark because at the

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heart of it, we all have this.

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Pure, unconditional love within us
that comes from this higher source.

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And again, this is where I think this
faith piece comes in because it helps

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our ego, our human minds soften a
little bit like when we can surrender

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and know that one, we are always
loved and accepted for who we are.

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Like we're love and accepted, and.

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We are deserving of love and we are
deserving of being happy and being

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treated well, then it's easier for us
to look through that lens of love and

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then see the possibilities that, Hey,
maybe these people actually care for me.

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Maybe I can assume the best
out of my surroundings.

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Maybe I can assume that things
aren't the way that I'm thinking.

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Maybe I can assume.

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That I am loved, maybe I can assume that
these people don't really wanna hurt me.

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Right?

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Like it's like it's flipping this
switch and you're scrubbing out

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like you're doing the work to really
change your thinking and change your

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mind to, to view things through this
love lens and to flip the script and

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being able to see the possibilities.

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And I had one coach a long time
ago talk about flipping the script.

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I've actually heard this from
multiple coaches and multiple

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different healers about.

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If you can assume the very worst,
then you need to be able to also

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assume the very best because both,
both are possibilities, right?

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Both are possibilities.

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And again, whatever we focus
on, whatever we're hyper focused

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on and and can believe, that's
what's gonna expand, that's what's

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gonna come into our awareness.

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So that manifesting that mindset,
all of this is so tied together.

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Um, and so for me, I had to really
surrender and really scrub out

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this insecurity and just let it
go and just accept that whatever

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was gonna happen was gonna happen.

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But I'm gonna assume that
everything's gonna be okay.

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I'm gonna go into it with.

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Assuming that I am loved, that I am
a strong woman, that I am deserving

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of love, I'm deserving of being loved
and treated well, and that people

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aren't out to get me or to hurt me.

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and getting into that space just
really helps bring you peace, right?

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Like instead of living life in this kind
of panic, this, paranoid place, right?

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Like you can kind of relax and just trust.

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And again, coming back to that faith and
being able to just surrender and know

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that you're taken care of no matter what.

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And when we talk about surrendering
and of letting go, it's not saying

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we're just like gonna twiddle our thumbs
and daydream our life to be better.

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That's not what that's about.

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It's about, doing whatever
work you need to do.

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Like using that magic eraser and
scrubbing those insecurities out.

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That's work.

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It takes work to build that up and
ways that you can build up that

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confidence and self-love with yourself
and and self-worth are affirmations.

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It's journaling.

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It's maybe even writing out all the
negative things and just getting it

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out, like regurgitating all these
negative thoughts and feelings you have.

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Getting it out on a piece of
paper and then maybe burning it.

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Or tearing it up or throwing it
away, like a way to get it out.

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Right.

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Or I think I might have talked about
this before in a previous episode, but

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even journaling, like the best case
scenario and then focusing on that, right?

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Like that becomes an affirmation, like
writing out the best case scenario,

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writing out the affirmations of, I
am worthy of love and writing out

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things that you're grateful for.

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Like, when we get into that space
of gratitude and all the things we

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actually do have to be thankful for.

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Like, that's a great way to flip your
mind from a negative to a positive, right?

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Because you do have so many
things to be thankful for.

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There's always something you
can write in that little box.

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So those are big things.

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And even just getting quiet, right?

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Be still and know., that's a big
thing, whether you are taking a time

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out for prayer or just to silence
your mind and meditate and just have a

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moment of just quiet time of release.

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Um, the practice of yoga is a
really great place for that too.

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Yoga is more of a work-in than a workout.

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Um, yoga is meant to focus on
your breath and movements of your

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body in these different poses that
really help you connect and it's,

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it's definitely something that
is a mind body, soul experience.

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It's a way to calm your mind.

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It's a way to get into the present
moment because so many times our

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minds are running a mile a minute
and we're worried about the future.

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We're worried about what happened in
the past and we're not present and in

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our bodies, and yoga's a great practice.

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To help you get into that space.

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It's one of the only ways that
I can really, you know, quiet

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my mind and it's work, right?

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Like, even when I meditate too, that's
work because when I get quiet I al

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always my mind wants to go and I have
to really work hard at focusing and

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letting things go and really coming into
my body and being, you know, present

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and really, doing like a body scan and
actually seeing like, how am I feeling?

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Like what is going on inside me?

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Like what am I actually feeling
like taking those moments.

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It's hard.

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And so that's why surrendering
or, you know, letting things go.

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It doesn't mean you're doing nothing.

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Like you still have to do work.

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Like, you still have to work on changing
your mindset and, building up your

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self-confidence, your self-worth,
and you can do that through some

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of these things I've talked about.

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I've talked about my
good friend Stef Layton.

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We partnered on a few things and she's
a wonderful yoga teacher and she puts

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out, monthly affirmations that she
sends out on her email list and I'll

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link her here cuz those are so great.

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Like, even every month if you just get
a new set of affirmations that you're

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either journaling or saying to yourself,
those are great ways to really just get

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into a better head space of, Rubbing out
those insecurities that we have or, that

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exercise of like flipping the script.

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So even if you wanna write out the worst
case scenario that you're thinking of and

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then you take that and then write out the
very best outcome that there could be too.

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Cuz again, you know, , both
ways are possible.

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Right.

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and it's just really having that faith
and keeping that, positive outlook.

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And , not like a toxic positivity where
you're just head in the clouds, like

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just not aware and not prepared but it's
about having the confidence and the self

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love to know that you're
worth the very best outcome.

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And sometimes that best outcome may
not look like the, what we might have

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planned or what we thought it was
gonna be, but it's always gonna be

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what's best for us and our higher self.

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And, I think that's important to realize.

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So I'll end this week's episode
here, but I really want you guys

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to focus on, knowing that it's
okay for things to break down.

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That's how we rebuild and become
better and stronger and, really

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00:15:50,894 --> 00:15:55,514
taking that reflection on what
insecurities might be clouding my

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vision, where I am in a negative
fear-based lens, perceiving the world.

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Um, and maybe how you can shift that
into looking through that love lens on

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your outlook on your world, and seeing
like the hope and the possibility

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instead of, everybody's out to get me.

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Like saying like, oh, there's
actually people out here to love

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and support me and lift me up.

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Right?

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Like, sometimes we get so focused on
being hurt or the things that people

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have done to hurt us, that we start
to assume everybody's out to hurt us.

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You know, that's what
happens is hurt people.

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Hurt people, right?

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Like it's hard to overcome
that and rise above.

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But you can.

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It's hard, but you can, and,
and that's really the overall

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00:16:34,772 --> 00:16:36,782
message here is you can rise up.

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00:16:36,889 --> 00:16:40,279
You can overcome whatever comes your way.

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00:16:40,639 --> 00:16:44,089
You know, it's really just
allowing yourself that space to,

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00:16:44,089 --> 00:16:46,229
to do that and, coming to know

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00:16:46,229 --> 00:16:49,489
your faith, that you can ask for
help, that you can ask for support

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00:16:49,489 --> 00:16:50,929
and that it's there for you.

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00:16:51,259 --> 00:16:54,349
And when you boil it all down, like
really all there is is love, right?

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Love is all there is.

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00:16:55,339 --> 00:16:59,449
Like, that is really the answer
to, to most everything is,

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00:16:59,749 --> 00:17:01,309
um, you know, love over fear.

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00:17:01,409 --> 00:17:02,999
I'm gonna share this book with you guys.

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00:17:03,029 --> 00:17:06,659
Um, I have actually a couple copies
of it because it's freaking amazing,

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00:17:06,929 --> 00:17:09,989
but it's called A Return to Love
and it's by Maryanne Williamson,

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00:17:09,989 --> 00:17:12,639
and it's a phenomenal book.

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00:17:12,759 --> 00:17:16,479
It, um, oh look, it even says
Phenomenal on the cover, the

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00:17:16,479 --> 00:17:17,979
phenomenal number one bestseller.

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00:17:18,189 --> 00:17:19,389
So I have multiple copies.

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00:17:19,394 --> 00:17:23,019
This one was actually given to me from
a friend when I was going through a

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00:17:23,019 --> 00:17:26,699
very dark, hard time in my life in 2015.

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00:17:27,429 --> 00:17:31,055
Um, and , I still have it and I've
boughten multiple copies for other people.

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00:17:31,055 --> 00:17:35,835
But, it's a great perspective
on, a course in miracles.

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00:17:36,685 --> 00:17:41,205
And, A course, in miracles, um, if
you've never heard of it, is a spiritual

341
00:17:41,205 --> 00:17:44,075
text that is, it's long, it's amazing.

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00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:44,390
But.

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00:17:45,145 --> 00:17:47,845
If you're not ready to go
there, this is a great start.

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00:17:48,115 --> 00:17:51,955
Um, and this book's called Return
to Love, and it's really about

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00:17:51,955 --> 00:17:53,875
returning to that love lens, right?

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00:17:53,875 --> 00:17:58,500
Like, coming in to know that love
really is all there is, right?

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00:17:58,810 --> 00:18:02,405
I talked about this on that episode
with, um, Erica Marie too, right?

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00:18:02,410 --> 00:18:05,055
Like love is more than it's,
it's more than I love you.

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00:18:05,055 --> 00:18:08,855
It's more than the love you
have for your kids or your

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00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:10,235
friends or your spouse, whatever.

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00:18:10,355 --> 00:18:13,365
Like love is like, is God.

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God is love.

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00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:19,955
Like, love is a powerful, action, right?

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00:18:19,955 --> 00:18:24,760
Like it's more than just a
feeling, it is a healing power.

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00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,340
Like love is a, a power.

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00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:28,260
But.

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00:18:28,693 --> 00:18:30,163
I really wanna recommend this book.

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00:18:30,213 --> 00:18:34,083
Every time I've gone through a traumatic
experience in my life, it's the one text

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00:18:34,083 --> 00:18:39,183
I always come back to that really helps
give me the foundation to stand on and,

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00:18:39,183 --> 00:18:41,583
and it really reinvigorates my faith.

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00:18:41,588 --> 00:18:43,723
And, , I hope that I can
do that for you as well.

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00:18:44,343 --> 00:18:49,103
Um, So, if you have a chance to grab
a copy of this book, I'll link it

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00:18:49,403 --> 00:18:50,493
in the description of the podcast.

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00:18:51,383 --> 00:18:55,283
I guarantee it'll change your life or
at least open your eyes to some greater

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00:18:55,283 --> 00:19:00,323
perspectives, , to help you get through
whatever you go through in life, really.

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So anyway.

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00:19:02,163 --> 00:19:03,933
Take responsibility in your life.

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00:19:03,983 --> 00:19:08,183
It really is up to you on how you wanna
live and, um, how you wanna create

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00:19:08,183 --> 00:19:10,528
things and, I wanna acknowledge that.

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00:19:10,528 --> 00:19:11,938
Yes, sometimes life is hard.

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00:19:11,968 --> 00:19:13,588
Like, trust me, I've been there.

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00:19:13,588 --> 00:19:15,898
I have, I have struggled.

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I have felt that pain, I have cried
out, screamed and hurt and, you know,

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00:19:21,958 --> 00:19:24,508
I've done all those things, so I get it.

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00:19:25,003 --> 00:19:30,283
And, um, know that you're not alone and
that you are strong and that you can

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00:19:30,283 --> 00:19:32,383
get through this and you're not alone.

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00:19:32,383 --> 00:19:34,003
You are so not alone.

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Um, you are supported and you are loved.

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So I wanna leave you guys with that
and I'll see you guys next time.

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00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:48,073
Um, you can find me on Facebook
or instagram @chelsea.Vanbuskirk

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00:19:48,093 --> 00:19:49,413
and I'll see you soon.

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Peace.