20. No Apologies - Just because someone doesn’t recognize your brilliance, your worth, and your divinity, doesn’t mean you have to start questioning those pieces of you.

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Hey, what's up guys?

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It's Chelsea with The Heart AF podcast.

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Hope you guys are all doing well.

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I had a situation happen the
other week and I feel like it

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deserved to be talked about.

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So I ran into somebody from my
past and triggered up all kinds of

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feelings and insecurities in me.

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This is a person who I had worked with.

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Who I trusted.

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This person, betrayed my trust, took
advantage of me, and I ended up cutting

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them out completely from my life cuz I
realized how toxic this person was and

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just how much it was just eating away
at me, and there was just a lot of pain

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there because it was somebody that I
just really cared an awful lot about,

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and I thought that they cared about me.

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I thought that they had my
best interest at heart, and it

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turned out that they didn't.

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And that sucks.

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When you figure out that the way you
thought about somebody or somebody

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that you trust, just breaks that trust.

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That you just realized it
was all kind of a facade.

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It was fake.

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And I don't know how much you
guys know about narcissists or

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empaths, but I am an empath.

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I am somebody who feels deeply, I pick
up other people's energies and feelings.

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And narcissists are people who don't
really have that level of empathy, and

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they tend to only think of themselves.

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They're really good at manipulating you
and have this way of kind of infiltrating

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into your space and like hooking you.

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And I think they typically feed
on that attention and just knowing

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they have power over someone.

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And so this was somebody that
definitely had power over me.

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Again, I thought that they cared
about me and it turned out to all be

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bullshit and I got hurt in the end.

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And when I finally started to kind of see
the truth, right, because a lot of times

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when we're in these relationships with
narcissists, it's really hard to see that

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we are kind of under their spell in a way.

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Um

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it's hard to see the truth because we
just want so much to believe the best in

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them, and we just feel like there's all
these good qualities that they're helping

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us and there's all these ways that they
kind of work and manipulate you, right?

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And to be able to separate yourself and
actually see from the outside looking

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in and starting to see the red flags
and seeing the ways that I had been

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manipulated and how I was basically
a victim in the way I was treated.

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You know, in the beginning I
definitely was in that victim role.

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I just was so hurt and
devastated, like, how could one,

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I let this happen to myself?

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And just the pain of just wanting
that apology, like, why couldn't this

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person see how badly they hurt me, and
why didn't they wanna apologize to me?

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You know, like I said, I did
end up blocking this person and

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cutting all form of contact.

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A small part of me hoped that they
would find a way to reach out to

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me to just apologize, you know?

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Um, but that never came, and it's been two
years since I had seen or spoken to this

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person and then randomly ran into them.

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And luckily I was with my best friend at
the time, so that helped alleviate that.

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But, you know, I remember just kind of
shaking and just, you know, I didn't

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make eye contact with the person or
anything, but I knew that they were there.

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I knew that they knew I was there and
just you know, kept engagement with my

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friend that I was with, and you know,
we kind of went on around our business

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and then when we left the place that
we were at, where we ran into them,

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you know, my heart is pounding and
she's like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

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And I'm like, you know, don't worry.

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Like it's not your fault.

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Like, oh my gosh, I just feel all kinds of
feelings, you know, like, did they see me?

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And then she's like, yeah,
they totally saw you.

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Um, in the back of my mind I was
like, maybe they're gonna try to

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reach out, now that they saw me.

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Maybe they will give me an apology and

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they didn't , you know, a couple days
went by and I heard absolutely nothing.

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And what's sad is, you know, I did have
this little sliver of hope that maybe

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they cared and would wanna reach out and
give me that apology I've been waiting

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for all this time, and they didn't.

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And I really had to change my
thoughts about this because I

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could see myself going back down
that road of feeling inadequate.

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Like, what's wrong with me?

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Like, why wasn't I worth it enough to
at least acknowledge or give an apology?

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Like, can't you see that you hurt me?

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Like it just makes you feel
like this piece of shit.

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Like you are nothing.

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Right?

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Like you didn't matter to this person.

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And the thing is, is when people hurt us,
when people treat us badly and they do

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things and they don't apologize, right?

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A similar scenario.

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They can't see that
they've hurt you, right?

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Like it's just not even
their, in their awareness.

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So it's nothing personal about you.

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There's nothing wrong with you.

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And really the way that you can get over
this is just knowing your own self-worth.

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And I wrote a post not too long ago
about remember who the fuck you are.

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And it's something I had to remind myself.

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Um, there's a song I've been
sharing on my social media lately.

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. Um, I listen to a lot of mantras,
like I like to listen to them, to

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music cause I find that they're more
catchy and it helps me like say the

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affirmations and mantras, you know, in
my head or out loud or with the music.

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I like doing it that way.

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That's the way that I feel it vibes
the best that I can really feel these

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affirmations and feel these mantras
and it really just helps boost me.

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And there's this one I came across.

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Her name is Shariya Wise and she has
this song called Sis, you a Bad Bitch.

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. I love it.

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Um, it just hits the nail right
on the head with everything that I

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stand for and I believe, and so it
was like I had to like, Tap into

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that inner bitch mode of me, right?

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Like knowing that I am fucking worth it.

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I am a badass bitch.

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And these people that wanna try to
hurt me, even unknowingly, like to know

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that I am strong enough and that I know
my worth, I know what I deserve and I

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don't deserve to be treated that way.

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And they just can't see that
they can't see my worth.

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But I see it.

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I see my worth.

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I know that I deserve more, and I actually
feel bad for this person because they

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let a badass bitch walk out of their life
when I add a lot of shiny brightness . So,

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and that's not meant to be said in a
cocky way at all, but it's just knowing

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your worth and knowing that sometimes
people aren't gonna recognize your

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brightness, they're not gonna recognize
your brilliance, they're not gonna

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see the divinity that is within you.

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But do you see it?

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Because that's what you can work on.

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You're not gonna be able
to change other people.

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You can't make anybody apologize to you.

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You can't make people just change.

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Right.

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But you can change yourself and
knowing you're worth it, and

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knowing what boundaries you set.

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So I did set a boundary with blocking this
person because I know my worth and I know

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I don't deserve to be treated that way.

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I know I deserve to be valued, and
I know I deserve some respect, and

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this person was not giving me that.

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And it was time to cut that toxic person
outta my life and had a brief moment where

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I was kind of back into that same mindset
two years ago of feeling inadequate,

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of feeling like a piece of shit.

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A feeling like I wasn't worth
it, that I didn't deserve an

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apology, but I do deserve apology.

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But that doesn't mean I'm gonna get
it, but I can continue to work on

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my self worth and knowing that I'm
stronger and I don't need his apology.

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I can send them off lovingly and just
hope that they come to realize their

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own divinity and knowing their own
power, knowing that they don't have

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to manipulate other people to provide
them power or their own self-worth.

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Right.

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Like I just have to wish them well.

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And um, you know, that's hard to do.

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It's really hard to do.

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Like of course there's a part of me
that wants some kind of like revenge

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or wants them to hurt like I hurt.

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But the truth is they probably already do.

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, they probably already have a lot of pain
and hurt built up within them and that's

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maybe why they are the way they are.

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And again, it's not me, it's, it's, it's
not in my power to change that person.

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Alls I can do is work on me and know my
value and, you know, move on from it.

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And I think.

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. You know, the thing is
we all want closure.

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We want closure.

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We wanna put things behind us,
and sometimes we don't get the

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closure we necessarily want, but
we can still get closure by again,

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working on our own self-worth.

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And there's ways to do that by you
know, getting all these feelings

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that you have out in your mind.

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Like I had all these things
going on in my mind, right?

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Like all these like insecurities and
feelings and I had to get them out.

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So luckily I have a best friend, my ride
or die that I can tell these things to,

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and I was able to tell her all these
things and just sometimes even getting

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them out lets you see like how kind of
idiotic some of it is and like letting

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you realize like how like kind of stupid
it is that we're having these thoughts.

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But it's a way to validate your feelings
and to get them out and then to see

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like, okay, . This really isn't about me.

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This is about this person.

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This person is just a flawed person.

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They are still, you know, worthy of love
just as much as I'm worthy of love, but

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it's recognizing that they aren't in that
space, that they are not a healed person.

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They're not a person who is
working on healing themselves

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and you know, being better.

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And that's, that's fine.

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That's their own journey.

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That's their own lessons
that they have to learn.

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On one hand, it is a lesson
for me to learn too, right?

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And it's a lesson for me to learn about
my own self-worth and coming into my

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own power and knowing how I can set
boundaries so I don't let people take

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advantage of me again, and know when to
draw boundaries and when to cut people

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out, when to be so aware and sure of
my self worth so that I can set these

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boundaries and so that people will treat
me the way that I deserve to be treated.

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And that starts with knowing
how you deserve to be treated.

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It starts with knowing your worth and
knowing what you're gonna be okay with

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and what you're not gonna be okay with.

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People treat you the way
you let them treat you, and

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that's a hard truth to learn.

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Um, because so many times we just
wanna go straight into this victim

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mode where we want people to feel
sorry for us, or we kind of just are

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like, oh, all these things happen.

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I always get treated like shit.

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I always do all this stuff.

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And it's like, well, what are you doing?

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How are you attracting
that into your life?

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And what can you do?

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What can you change within you
to make sure you make it known

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that no, I'm, that's not okay
for you to treat me that way.

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And you have to speak up for yourself.

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You have to be your own advocate.

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And the way that you can learn to
stand up in that and be strong.

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Is again, working on the
self-worth piece, getting those

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feelings out is one way to do it.

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Journaling, writing.

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If you don't have a person that you
feel you can confidently talk to,

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face-to-face, talk out loud to yourself
or write it in a fucking journal.

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Get these feelings out.

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It's a way to get them out of
you and letting 'em go, right?

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Like you can't let these
thoughts and fester in your mind

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because if you get stuck in your
mind, you're gonna get sucked.

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You're gonna get in that low vibrational
state, you're gonna become that victim.

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You're gonna attract more of these
low vibrational energies into your

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space, and you don't wanna do that.

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You wanna break that.

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You wanna change that spiral.

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So you start spiraling back up
and knowing your fucking worth,

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remembering who the fuck you are, right?

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Like remembering you're a badass
bitch and coming back into that

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energy and stepping into that
power because that's who you are.

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You are deserving of love.

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You are deserving of joy.

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You are deserving of abundance and
happiness, and getting what you want

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in your life and being treated how you
deserve to be treated in your life.

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Like that is your birthright.

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You are fully worthy of everything.

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That you could possibly want or need.

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Everything you want or
need is already here.

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It's just tapping into it and knowing
that you deserve it and then receiving it.

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Okay.

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I've talked about this in other episodes,
but it's just something that I have to

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keep repeating because it's so easy to
get lost in our mind, to get triggered

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by something like this, a situation,
something that comes up from your past.

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A reminder of a moment
where you felt unworthy and.

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But there's a way out of that, and
I'm trying to share that with you.

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So again, getting those feelings
out, those insecurities out, and

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writing them, voicing them, getting
them out so they're not staying and

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festering inside your body, right?

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It's like getting them out of your body
and getting them out and letting them go.

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Like giving them to the light.

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Like there's so many different ways
that you can kind of let this stuff go.

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And it goes back to, you know,
talking about like everyone

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else's behavior is not on you.

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It, it's not your fault that
people are behaving this way.

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You did nothing wrong.

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Like you have no control
over other people's behavior.

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The only behavior you control is yourself.

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And we forget that we actually have
more power than we think we do when

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we start thinking these thoughts,
like we have the power to choose

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how we think about something.

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And so sometimes even again,
writing it out is so helpful

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because you can kind of start to see

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like outside of yourself.

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Cause when you're stuck in your head,
it's really hard to see and separate

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what is like false information or what
is things that are just not logical

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when you get it out on paper and you
can read it or you have that, that

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friend that you can tell this stuff
and they can like receive it and throw

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it back to you and let you know, like,
Hey, do you realize what you're saying?

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Like this is like this ludicrous.

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Like, no, like you don't deserve this.

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Like this is not okay.

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Like you are a badass bitch.

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Remember who you are and you know, rise
above this, like you are better than this.

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And you can decide how you want
to, you know, stand up from this.

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You can decide to see the truth, which
is that you are a divine being and you

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deserve to be treated with respect and
love and just know that about yourself,

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and then being able to receive that.

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Like that you are worthy and
capable of receiving the love

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and respect that you deserve.

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And so when you stand in that
power, , then you're able to

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reflect that back in your life.

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Like that's what starts
coming back to you.

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That's the energy you start
attracting more into your life.

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So I did have a moment, was in that low
vibrational state, was, I mean, I fester

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it, sulked, I think for a day, next
day came up, like talked to my friend.

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got it all out.

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And I think it was in a dream too.

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Cause I'm just like, you know, why the
fuck am I going down this road again?

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Like, I don't wanna be here.

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Like, I hate being in this
low vibrational state.

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I hate feeling unworthy and
like, I'm a piece of shit.

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So like, how do I flip this?

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And so I remember kind of asking
for help and just like, you know,

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speak, you can say prayer, whatever,
but I just, you know, with my

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mind, I, I'm asking for help.

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I went to bed, I had some
really crazy dreams, next day.

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Talked to my friend, was
talking about these feelings.

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I'm like, yeah.

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Like I really just came to know.

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I don't need this.

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Like, this is bullshit.

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Like I don't need to go back and like
be in that same space I was a couple

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years ago when this was first happening.

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Like, I'm so much better than this.

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Like I deserve so much more.

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I like, I need to like not give
two shits about this and move on.

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Cause I have so much to be
thankful for in my life.

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So I wanna finish this up with
again, remembering who you are

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and holding your head high.

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Like that is all you need to do is just
remembering who you are, remembering

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your divinity, remembering what you're
capable of and also how worthy you are

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to get everything that you want and to be
treated the way you deserve to be treated.

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You deserve love and respect.

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You do.

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That is your birthright.

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That is absolutely what
you deserve no matter what.

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And another way to kind of come back and
get into that more high vibrational state

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is also being grateful and expressing
gratitude for all the amazing things

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that you have going on in your life.

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Sometimes we get so.

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Like bogged down with all the negative
things and all the things that, um,

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we see that we're missing in our
life or the things that are going

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wrong or these negative feelings.

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But if we can start to focus
on what we can appreciate

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that's going on in our life.

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So like for me, I've got three
amazing kids that get to call

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me mom, that I get to help

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00:15:01,306 --> 00:15:02,566
grow into adults.

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00:15:02,566 --> 00:15:04,966
Like I get to be a part of their
journey and seeing them grow and

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change and learn and that's amazing.

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00:15:06,676 --> 00:15:07,966
I have a roof over my head.

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00:15:07,966 --> 00:15:12,076
Like I get to look outside every day
and see just this vastness beauty of

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the sky, the clouds, the sun, the stars,
like all that stuff is so magical to me.

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00:15:16,006 --> 00:15:19,126
And when I look outside, just looking
outside and seeing nature, when I watch

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a bird fly by, like it's so beautiful.

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Like there's so much to be thankful for.

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00:15:23,386 --> 00:15:27,226
And when you can get into that head
space where you're being in that

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00:15:27,226 --> 00:15:30,106
appreciation state, where you're
grateful for the things you have.

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Looking at the ways that people do treat
you with love and respect, like that

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was the other thing that occurred to me.

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It was like, whoa, why am I dwelling on
this one person who has been disrespectful

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00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:44,826
and has treated me poorly when I have this
amazing friend who has been nothing but

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00:15:44,826 --> 00:15:49,596
loving to me and showing me that love and
respect and allows me to vent to her and,

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00:15:49,926 --> 00:15:53,616
um, you know, has this love for me and
that friendship, like, that's so amazing.

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Like, I'm so grateful that I have that.

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00:15:54,846 --> 00:15:58,326
Like, I have a husband who loves
me and I'm like, I don't know why.

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00:15:58,326 --> 00:16:01,956
Like, you know, like I can be so hard
to live with, but he's still there.

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00:16:01,956 --> 00:16:04,806
He's still shows up and just,
there's all these people that

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00:16:04,811 --> 00:16:05,706
are actually here for me.

338
00:16:05,706 --> 00:16:08,946
Why am I like wasting time on this
one person who doesn't get it?

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00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:09,666
It's fine.

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00:16:09,666 --> 00:16:10,686
Like, they don't, they don't have to.

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00:16:11,391 --> 00:16:12,591
I've got people that do get it.

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00:16:12,591 --> 00:16:15,711
I've got people that do love me for
who I am, and that's what I need to

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00:16:15,771 --> 00:16:17,481
focus on and be appreciative for.

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00:16:17,781 --> 00:16:22,011
So if you find yourself in this situation
where you're waiting on an apology

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00:16:22,011 --> 00:16:25,821
that is not gonna come, like you're
questioning your worth and you, you

346
00:16:25,826 --> 00:16:27,111
know, we have insecurities popping up.

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00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:29,241
Like get those feelings out.

348
00:16:29,271 --> 00:16:32,401
Hold your head up high,
journal, write about it.

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00:16:32,406 --> 00:16:33,381
Get it out one way or another.

350
00:16:33,411 --> 00:16:35,301
Talk about it with somebody you trust.

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00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:40,521
Focus on, you know, what you can
be grateful for and getting in that

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00:16:40,521 --> 00:16:44,241
appreciation state, and then really just
remembering who the fuck you are, like

353
00:16:44,661 --> 00:16:50,211
remembering your power, remembering your
worthiness, your innate worthiness because

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00:16:50,211 --> 00:16:55,101
you are so worthy and deserving of love,
of joy, happiness, abundance, all of it.

355
00:16:55,611 --> 00:16:56,631
Everyone deserves that.

356
00:16:57,221 --> 00:16:57,381
Everyone.

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00:16:57,381 --> 00:16:58,281
You don't have to earn that.

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00:16:58,791 --> 00:17:00,901
And that's a big thing I
always try to instill is you

359
00:17:00,906 --> 00:17:02,151
don't have to earn your worth.

360
00:17:02,156 --> 00:17:05,701
Like there's nothing you have
to prove to gain worthiness.

361
00:17:05,721 --> 00:17:10,101
Like you are innately worthy of all
of the joy and the love that is here.

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00:17:10,161 --> 00:17:14,481
And there is an abundant flow,
like a never ending source of

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00:17:14,481 --> 00:17:15,921
love and light available to you.

364
00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:17,121
So don't forget that.

365
00:17:17,751 --> 00:17:20,091
I talked about the, the
mantras that I listened to.

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00:17:20,091 --> 00:17:26,031
So I have, um, on my website a place where
you can snag, um, my mantra playlist.

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00:17:26,031 --> 00:17:28,011
I have it on Spotify or Apple Music.

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00:17:28,011 --> 00:17:29,451
It's fucking amazing.

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00:17:29,721 --> 00:17:33,351
It's something I listen to all the
time, and it's just full of all

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00:17:33,351 --> 00:17:36,711
these really amazing songs that are
mantras and affirmations that really

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00:17:37,761 --> 00:17:42,051
help you shift that mindset and
realize your power and your divinity.

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It's awesome.

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I'll actually link the page in
the description of this podcast

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00:17:45,681 --> 00:17:48,261
so you can find that and grab
that playlist for yourself.

375
00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:50,391
Um, I hope you guys are all doing well.

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00:17:50,541 --> 00:17:55,221
You can find me on Facebook or Instagram
@chelsea.vanbuskirk or find me on

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00:17:55,221 --> 00:17:57,721
my website at chelseavanbuskirk.com

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00:17:57,741 --> 00:17:58,851
I'll see you guys soon.

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00:17:59,511 --> 00:18:00,201
Peace.