2. #momguilt It’s all G- double o- d, Good.

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Hey, what's up everyone.

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This is Chelsea VanBuskirk with the
Heart AF podcast, where we talk about

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getting through the hard moments of
our life by this journey of self

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discovery, looking inward and learning
to listen more with our heart.

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So welcome back.

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I wanted to touch on something that
I think would be highly relatable.

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So I had a friend who had an upcoming
birthday and for the birthday,

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her husband offered her a weekend
spa getaway in the mountains.

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And she had thought to invite me
to come with her on this getaway.

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And initial thought was like,
oh my gosh, that sounds amazing.

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I would love to be able to do
that and insert immediately,

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'who do you think you are to be able to go
on a weekend And leave your family behind?

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Like, why would you think you could do
that?' There is no way that you could

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just leave your husband and kids to
just have a weekend to enjoy yourself!

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That does not make sense at all!'

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And what's interesting is there have been
times where I've had to leave my husband

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and kids behind, due to an emergency where
I had to go take care of my father or,

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there was some family emergency, right?

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Where it felt that was a justifiable
means to be able to leave my kids and

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my husband behind while I took care of
those types of things, but to actually

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leave for a whole weekend, just leave
my family just for purely my own

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enjoyment just felt so foreign to me.

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And I definitely became afraid of that
because on one hand I desperately wanted

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to go to be able to have a weekend free
from the responsibility of all these other

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people and to really just have a weekend
where I could fully focus on myself

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and actually have no responsibilities
to worry about, except for me, and

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enjoying time with this friend.

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Seemed like this
unbelievable opportunity.

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So in my head, I start thinking , I don't
know, how am I gonna be able to go, I want

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to, but I don't know if it's gonna work.

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I think, my polite response back
to my friend in that initial moment

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was, oh, I need to talk to my husband
about it and see, what weekend

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would maybe work best and, and
she's like yeah, sure, no problem.

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Let me know which one works best for
your husband and I'll book the room

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And some time had passed and, it
was later that week and my friend

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was like, Hey, did you get a chance
to talk to your husband about it?

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And I'm like, no, I did not,
but I'll get right on it.

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I forgot.

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I remember I delicately approached
the conversation with him and just

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was like, Hey, so and so's, birthday's
coming up and she's doing this weekend

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spa getaway in the mountains, and
she's invited me to go with her.

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What do you think about that?

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Would that work for you?

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If I could go do that?

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Totally not confident at all.

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Like a child asking her father, if she can
go out, to a party or something like that.

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That's how I felt talking to him.

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And his first response was,
how many nights would it be?

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And I'm like probably two,
leave on a Friday, come back

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on a Sunday type of thing.

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And he is oh, like a whole weekend?

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And I'm like, yeah.

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And then it just got quiet and
I'm like, shit, he's so mad.

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I'm not gonna be able to
go and feel good about it.

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I don't remember how much time had passed.

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Probably not that long as what was
building up in my head, but, he

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responded like, yeah, whatever
you guys wanna do is fine.

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And I just felt like he was
still disturbed about it, but

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he essentially gave me the okay.

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That's how I took it.

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So I'm like, okay, cool.

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So I told my friend, yeah,
either weekend's fine.

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So we pick a weekend, and I think
it might have been the next day.

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And my husband came back to me and said,

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just so you know, you don't have to ask
my permission to do something like that.

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And I really appreciated that
he took the time to tell me that

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because I literally felt like I did,

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It felt to me.

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And

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I talked about this with my friend later
and I feel like it is very hard for women,

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especially moms or women who have these
responsibilities of, being the primary

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caretaker of the household, where you're
the one that's running the household,

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you're in charge of the dinners and
your kids and their routines and stuff.

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So to actually take time off from
that responsibility is extremely

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foreign and feels very wrong.

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Like it feels like we're running
away from our responsibilities.

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It feels like it's tainted with this
vision of women we hear about who

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run off from their families and run
away from those responsibilities

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and abandon their children.

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And that's such a deep seeded
fear within me or why I perceive

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this whole situation in that light
is because my mother did that.

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To give you a little background
story on where I came from and

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what my upbringing was like
was, that it started out fine.

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I was born to these two parents and
when I was nine months old, my father was

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injured in a work accident where he became
a quadriplegic, losing all, ability,

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becoming fully dependent, not able to use
his arms or legs anymore and was bound

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to a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

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My mother was a young mother, of me, and
I think she stayed in the relationship for

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maybe two years and by my third birthday,
she had taken me and left my father.

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So it was me and her and pretty soon
she was spiraling into addiction and.

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More or less.

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My father thankfully got custody of
me by the time I was five after a very

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traumatic, early childhood with a mother
who was just off the rails and hurt

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and falling deep into this addiction.

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So once my dad got custody of me,
I didn't really see her that much.

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And it was a very, difficult and painful
relationship growing up with having

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her kind of on the sidelines where I
maybe would see her once a year, maybe

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twice a year, if I was lucky and.

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Most of those interactions or
visits with her did not go well.

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And so I do have this deep-rooted fear
of not wanting to become my mother,

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not wanting to abandon my kids.

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I think I saw my mom as being
selfish, just choosing drugs over me.

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I went on to have half siblings and she
spent more time with them than I had.

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And so I was always jealous of that.

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So there was always this insecurity
and feeling abandoned on one end,

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but then also this fear of when I'm a
mom, I'd never want to be like that.

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I wanna make sure that my kids know I love
them and that they mean something to me.

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And that they're important to me.

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And so circling back now to
adulthood as a mother, I struggle

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with going on a weekend getaway
because it does have that fear that.

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I'm abandoning my kids, even though it's
something that is totally normal and

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it's totally deserving of any caretaker
or mother to have some time off because

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we are on 24, 7 a lot of the times
with balancing, care of our families,

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not to mention what other businesses
or jobs or other responsibilities

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we maybe taking on top of that.

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It's 24 7, right?

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No sick days, even when you're
sick, like you're still on, right?

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Like you still have these people
that are dependent on you,

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that you have to show up for.

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So my husband voicing to me that I didn't
need to ask his permission to go on this

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weekend trip was definitely appreciated.

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And helped me see oh, okay, that's true.

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He isn't my father, he's my partner.

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And a lot of that, again, it comes
from me in those perspectives

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that I'm carrying with me.

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And this is part of that self
discovery process is when we come to

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these realizations on what's really
behind the scenes, what's really

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going on that's making me act this
way or perceive things certain ways.

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I think me and my husband talked about it
a little bit later again, because like I

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said, when I first was asking him, he did
feel a little annoyed and upset that I was

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telling him I'm going away for a weekend.

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And he had said to me,

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Just because I'm mad that I'm gonna
have to take care of all three

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kids by myself for a full weekend.

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Doesn't mean I don't want you to
go, like I have every right to be

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irritated that now I'm gonna have
to do all the things that you do.

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. It doesn't mean I'm gonna
be mad that you're going.

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He's allowed to have feelings without
it meaning that He doesn't want me to

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go or that he's mad at me for going.

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And I felt like that was very
important for him to voice to me as

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well, because that's a good point.

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He does have every right to get
annoyed at the fact that he's gonna

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be a single dad over the weekend
when that's not his normal routine.

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So he doesn't get to have his like
Saturday afternoon nap where I keep

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the kids out of his way, so to speak.

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And, he's actually gonna have to
be present in all of the moments

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and feed them and it's not like
that he hasn't done that before.

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but He knows what that's like when you
don't have that extra parent, it is a

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lot more stressful when you don't have
that other person to help you out.

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So that's why in that
initial conversation when I

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brought it up, he was having.

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this kind of pessimistic response, it
really wasn't about me or being mad at me.

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It was just his own feelings
of knowing that, it might be a

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rough weekend, so I thought that
was a really good point as well.

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So the weekend comes, right?

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I'm , so excited.

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And again, there's still this kind
of little seed of guilt, right?

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-
It does feel a little wrong.

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Like I'm basically sneaking
out is what it feels like.

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That's the feeling I get.

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So I keep trying to tell myself,
no, you deserve this, you work

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hard, you do all the things for
all the people in your house.

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You deserve to have this weekend
, don't sweat it, enjoy yourself.

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And so I really did.

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I really had a wonderful
time with my friend.

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It was very low key.

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I got to sleep in.

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I couldn't believe how late
I slept in the first day.

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And it was amazing to just listen
to my own self and not have to

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do anything for anybody else.

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I could eat when I was hungry.

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I enjoyed some lovely spa treatments, I
could read my book, I could do whatever.

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So it just was.

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Really amazing and healing and lots of
good conversation with, my friend, which

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I do think is important for, females to
be able to, bond and share just all the

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things that we struggle with in life,
because we all have these struggles.

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And, I feel like growing up with
other females, like there seems to

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be this kind of like rivalry type
of thing, where we feel like we have

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to be competing with other women
and, it really shouldn't be that way.

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Like really women should be
coming together to help lift

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each other up because, there's
enough for everyone, right?

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If one woman gets something doesn't
mean that another woman doesn't get it,

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there's enough to go around, so to speak.

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And every woman has a right to,
feel beautiful and feel confident

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and to, enjoy their life without
being condemned by other women.

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It just doesn't make sense to me.

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And really it should just be about,
lifting each other up when we can.

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And I just do think it's important
to have, strong female bonds.

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Just as a part of life, I think it's
important to have, those kind of

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connections, especially women that
you can feel safe and comfortable with

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sharing, vulnerable things that you
may be dealing with or things about

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your past, or, just really having
that open communication where you

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realize you're not alone and you're
held and you're fully supported.

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I just, I think that's important.

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So I enjoyed this weekend and, this
sounds so horrible, I wasn't necessarily

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looking forward to come back home cause
it felt like it went by way too quick.

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There was a part of me that, did miss
the kids and wanted to get back to them

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But at the same time, like I was a little

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oh man, vacation time's
over back to my responsibility.

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And I walk into the house and
it's like full chaos, right?

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Like obviously,

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mom wasn't around.

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So it's just a mess.

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And my initial reaction was.

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What the fuck, like, why
is the house such a mess?

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I literally can't leave.

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Everything just goes astray the second
I leave, this is why I don't feel

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like I can leave because everything
just turns to shit when I'm gone.

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That's literally my initial reaction.

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So I'm fuming.

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I also had woken up that day with
kind of an itchy scratchy throat.

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Felt like I was probably coming
down with a cold and I come

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home to this mess everywhere.

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Like the kitchen's a mess.

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And my husband's napping on
the, chair and our youngest,

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our three year old is napping.

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So he's napping with him, but
then my older two are just

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running around the house.

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They have friends over and you can
tell this mess has been from the first

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day I left, no dishes have been done.

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Nothing.

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So I'm irritated.

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The kids had gotten into some of
my stuff and I could see that

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they were in my room and just no
respect for me and my things at all.

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So I'm just fuming.

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And.

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It took a while for me to calm down.

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And I really wanted to be mad at my
husband in a way, because I'm like, how

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could you let all this stuff happen?

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And why didn't you do the
things like I do them.

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And I really one had to check myself
because I have to trust that my

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husband can do things his own way.

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He does not have to do
things the exact way I do.

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All the kids were alive and as
far as all important things

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like everything was fine.

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So the house was a little bit
messy, not the end of the world.

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And really, it just come down to
some things with my kids and setting

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some boundaries there where they
just got out of control and me having

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conversations with them on cleaning
up after themselves and things like

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that, which is I think a normal part
of parenthood, especially with, these

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preteen age children who are just

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it's a rough age, three year olds too.

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The other thing that kind
of popped into my head was.

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This is why you can't go anywhere.

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This is what happens.

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See what happens when you
decide to take time off.

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It becomes a shit storm.

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When you get home, you've got
all this chaos going on and

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all these things gone wrong.

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It's all your fault because you left.

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That was one of the voices
that came circling around.

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That was a real feeling.

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And I'm sure this is a feeling that
other women might get when they decide

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to take some time off or even have a
mom's night out or something, whatever,

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if you leave and something happens while
you're gone, you immediately wanna take

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that responsibility like that, whatever
went wrong is now your fault, because

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you're the one that wasn't there.

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Am I right?

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That's something that we just take on.

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We feel like we have to take that on.

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And it just stacks on that guilt
that we already had felt to begin

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with, and it just takes that joy or
even wanting to take the time off.

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And I think that is so sad.

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And, it took me a day or two to
really reflect on all the things.

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And I was like, no, I had every
right to go and enjoy myself.

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I had every right to take time off and
it's okay if things aren't gonna be

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exactly how they are when I'm home.

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'That's okay.

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That is not my fault.

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Like it is not, because I left
is why all these things happened.

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If I was there, I just, would've been
there to really hound on my kids.

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Hey, pick up your shit.

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Like I would've been there be on
them to pick up after themselves.

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So at the end of the day, my
husband handled the household to

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the best that he could that weekend.

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Honestly, I think it's really just about
letting go that control and knowing that.

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If somebody else is stepping in in
the role that you normally play,

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like it's okay to accept that
things are gonna go differently.

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And it doesn't mean that it's
bad and it doesn't mean that,

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you're wrong for not being there.

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It just means things are gonna
be different and it's okay.

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Like my house went back to
normal, pretty soon after.

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And it opened up a lot of doors
for different discussions for the

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kids and them picking up after
themselves, without me having to

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be Right there to remind them,

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Like my kids need to take some
more responsibility with that.

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And so really at the end of the
day, it's totally fine for you to

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take time off and you shouldn't
feel guilty about taking time off.

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And even if you do take time off and
it's a shit storm, when you come.

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home it's okay.

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Don't take on that.

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It's your fault that you left.

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Okay.

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I think that's the biggest
thing I wanted to get across.

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Is that just because it's not how
it would've been, if you were, there

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does not mean that it's wrong or that
it's bad, or that you did a bad thing.

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It's not like this karmic punishment
because you abandon your kids and now, the

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house is all messed up when you return.

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I just feel like it's really
important to not internalize that.

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And to know that there's nothing
wrong with taking some time off.

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There's nothing wrong
with treating yourself.

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There's nothing wrong with you really
just being in the moment and enjoying,

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not having the responsibility of anyone
else and being able to focus on just

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you and your needs because all the
other times, 365 days a year, 24 7.

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Guess what?

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You're usually putting your needs last
and it's just really important to be

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able to take time off and recharge

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I'll have to say that now I just
need to make sure I plan another one

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and not just do this once in my life,
like to really make an effort to take

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time off . Not because I'm dealing
with a family emergency, but take

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time off to be by myself or to enjoy a
weekend away of just fun, just really

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focusing only on being responsible for
myself, because I think it's needed

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to really recharge your batteries.

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So you can have a better attitude
and also for people to be appreciative

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of you too, because I think that we
can get taken advantage of, quite

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a bit when people are just used to
us doing everything for everyone.

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And so it's nice to get a better sense
of appreciation after we've been gone.

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And then also, I think it gives us
some perspective too on maybe what

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are some things that we don't really
have to be doing for everybody.

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What are some things that other people
need to start taking responsibility for?

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I think that can be a big wake up call
that we realize after some time away too.

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We can get some new perspective
on a lot of different things.

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Anyway, It's fine to take time off and
just because things might not go the

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way you think they should, or, whoever
is standing in for you taking care of

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00:16:26,959 --> 00:16:29,989
the responsibilities that you're taking
a break from, it's okay if they're

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00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:33,079
not doing it the same way that you're
doing, as long as everybody's safe,

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healthy, and all that stuff, no one
was in danger, then, you're all right.

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Everything's gonna be all right.

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It's all good, baby baby.

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Please let me know if there are any
topics you would like to see covered,

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00:16:44,758 --> 00:16:48,795
or if you're interested on being a guest
on the podcast, I love collaborating

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00:16:48,795 --> 00:16:53,350
and I'm really open to whatever you
guys want to hear or talk about.

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Anything that relates to our self
discovery, overcoming challenges we deal

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00:16:58,454 --> 00:17:02,683
with in our everyday lives , managing
multiple responsibilities, whether that's,

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00:17:02,757 --> 00:17:09,214
home life, business life, your spiritual
journey, energy healing, I'm all for it.

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I hope you guys are all doing well.

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00:17:11,184 --> 00:17:17,140
find me On Facebook, or instagram at
Chelsea dot VanBuskirk, or you can find

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00:17:17,140 --> 00:17:23,210
me on my website at ChelseaVanBuskirk.com
and let me know what's up!

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00:17:23,570 --> 00:17:24,800
See you guys next week.

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Peace.