18. Remembering Our Loved Ones in Spirit Over the Holidays

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Hey everyone, what's up?

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It's Chelsea VanBuskirk
with the Heart AF podcast.

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Hope you guys are all doing well.

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The holiday season is upon us and
it's a time for, you know, getting

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together with friends and family and
loved ones and enjoying time together.

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And you know, it's
supposed to be this happy.

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time of celebration.

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But at the same time, it can
also come with a lot of emotional

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heaviness, especially if you're
someone who has lost a loved one.

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The holidays just tend to br be
this magnifying glass that brings

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to your awareness the fact that
your loved one's no longer here.

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Right?

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It's just a, a reminder that your
loved one's not gonna be here to.

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This moment with you, and so you
can feel sad and heavy and not

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really feel like you're able to
enjoy yourself during this time.

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Right?

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And sometimes it can take away from the
present moment and being able to enjoy

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the loved ones that you do have here.

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And I just think it's
important to acknowledge that.

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And the first thing, , it's okay.

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It's okay to have these feelings.

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It's okay to be sad, and it's okay
to still be grieving your loved one.

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There's nothing wrong with you,
and I don't think it's something

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you should try to hide or ignore.

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I think the best way to get
through it is to allow yourself

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to feel these feelings and.

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I actually created a, um, YouTube
video that I'll post a link to in the

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description of this podcast, to just help
you get through and to know how to help

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alleviate some of that grief and how to
work through that, especially during the

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holiday season as it can be hard, and how
to handle these emotions, especially in.

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The healthiest way, right?

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Because I know sometimes in my past,
my go-to is just to numb myself.

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Numb myself with food,
numb myself with alcohol.

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Whatever it is, it's negative, right?

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And like I was a chain closet smoker,
and I can talk about that on a different

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episode about overcoming that, but,
There was a point in time where I was

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using negative ways to cope, right?

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Like, and it was, it was
negative in that one.

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It wasn't healthy for me, but it was
a way that I was numbing myself, not

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allowing myself to feel the pain.

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Like I didn't wanna go there.

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I did not want to get into
that space where I was feeling

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uncomfortable feelings.

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And really the only way to overcome grief.

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Is to go through it.

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There's no easy way around grief.

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You just have to experience it.

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And I don't even know if overcome is
the right word, because I don't think

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grief is something you just get over.

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It's a journey, right?

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It's a process.

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It's something that will
always be a part of you.

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It's just.

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Learning how to allow yourself to feel the
feelings you need to feel and to like let

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them go through you and not sit inside you
and then fester and affect you negatively.

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Sometimes I feel like it's like
this double edged sword where we

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don't really wanna bring it up cause
we don't wanna feel the pain, but

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at the same time, we don't want
it to be like they never existed.

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Like we don't wanna just cut them
out, like they just never were here.

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So it's important I think, to
acknowledge our loved ones and.

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Like share memories about them
and keep their memory alive and

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and just honor them in that way.

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And yeah, sometimes when you're doing
that, you will feel uncomfortable.

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You will feel sad, and that's okay.

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It's okay to let that out.

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So I think that's the biggest thing,
is just giving yourself permission.

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To feel your feelings and to grieve
in whatever way you need to, even if

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it is during the holidays, you know,
I get into some of these things and,

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uh, the video I was talking about.

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But the other thing is also allowing
yourself to still enjoy the present moment

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with your loved ones that you have here.

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Because the last thing you wanna
do is miss out on opportunities to

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create memories with your family
that you can be present with now.

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Right?

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Sometimes we get so lost in the grief.

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We aren't even present and enjoying the
moments and opportunities we have with

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our loved ones that are here now because
there will be a time when more and more

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of our loved ones aren't physically here.

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And so it is important to make sure you
do let yourself, you know, process your

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feelings and let them out so that you
can be present and experience time with

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your loved ones that are here now and,
and staying in that present moment and

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allowing yourself to still enjoy yourself
because, You are still allowed to laugh

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and define joy, even if you're sad.

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Like even if you still had this pain
or you miss your loved one, doesn't

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mean that you don't miss them.

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When you take the time to
focus on joyful times, right?

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Like just because you're laughing and
having a good time with loved ones

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here in the physical space does not
mean you're turning your back or.

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You know, not missing your loved
one, like it doesn't mean you miss

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them any less, or that the pain
isn't still there from their loss.

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It's allowing you to still just enjoy
life for what it is here and now.

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And the other thing I want you to
remember is that even though your loved

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ones are not physically here with you,
they are still with you in spirit.

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And it's so important to acknowledge that,
that they are still connected to you.

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The love you share with your
loved ones like that never dies,

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like the essence of the person.

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never dies.

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That is still here.

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That love is still here and it
still connects you even when

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you are in different spaces.

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And like I explained on the signs episode,
like you can always ask for a sign from

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them and get like, let yourself get
that validation and that sign from them.

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It really is comforting.

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I actually wanted to share a story
with you about the signs because

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as I said, the holidays are coming
up and you know, you tend to think

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of your loved ones and so I've been
thinking a lot more about my dad.

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I usually think about him every day
anyway, but it's just, I've been feeling

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extra sad lately because I am, I'm
remembering, you know, he loved Christmas

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and he loved to decorate, and we're
starting to decorate our own house.

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And so I'm, I'm going through a lot of
the decorations I inherited from him.

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So it's just all these memories and
it's just a lot, it's a lot of sadness.

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You know, I've, I've talked about
my dad before, like if you, if you

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wanna know more about, you know, me
and my dad and our story and like

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the, the amazing relationship we had.

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How much our relationship was to me
and just a little bit of his story.

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You can always listen to the episode.

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Everything happens for reason.

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Part one, I talk a lot about his, you
know, journey through life and some of

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the things that he dealt with and just
how intertwined our relationship was and

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just how we really helped save each other
in a lot of ways through his life here.

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A couple weeks ago I was, you
know, feeling sad missing him and

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I had parked in the Starbucks.

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I go to a lot and I'm walking in
the parking lot and right there

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in my face on the license plate
in the car, I'm walking right by.

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It says CPT are the letters in the
license plate, CPT where my dad's in

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or initials, um, Corey Patrick Tolle.

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It always makes me laugh cuz his initials
were pretty significant because when

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I was growing up, all of us were ct.

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Um, my.

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CT Corey Tolle.

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I was Chelsea Tolle.

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So ct, my grandma who lived
with us, who raised me, her name

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was Carol Tolle, so she was ct.

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And so the way we differentiated
us was with our middle

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initials, and my dad was c P t.

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And so we would always joke,
you know, that he's the captain

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of, you know, the family.

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Um, so it was always just kind
of this funny joke and so to see.

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That I was like, oh my gosh.

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Like, dad, is that, is that
a sign like you're here?

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Like, is that, is that really
you, you know, like, oh my gosh.

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Like is it him?

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Is that a sign?

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I don't know.

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You know, I'm self doubt.

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You know, your logical brain wants to like
dismiss it, but I get my coffee and then I

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head to go pick up one of my kids and I'm
getting into the right lane and there's a

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car in front of me who's also making the
right turn that I'm gonna make new car

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license plate c p t right in front of me.

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And I'm like, whoa.

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Okay.

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Okay dad.

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Okay.

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I get it.

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Like, that's you.

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Thank you.

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And I just remember like, you know,
kind of tearing up like, oh my gosh.

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Thank you.

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You know, my mind was blown here.

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I was like questioning that first sign.

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So my dad's like, Nope, I'm
gonna, I'm gonna show you it's me.

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And here it is again,
right in front of you.

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Like what are the chances?

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Completely different car, completely
different area right in front of me.

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So, um, to.

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Super cool.

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And um, so again, I wanna invite you
ask for sign from your loved ones.

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And I really wanna know, let
me know what sign you get, what

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happens with your interaction with
getting a sign from a loved one.

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Cause it's so cool and it brings
me to this other story I wanna

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acknowledge is, you know, I was
talking to my daughter the other day.

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We were gonna go shopping and I
was on my way to go pick her up.

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I just got done working and um, the
other two kids were still at school,

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so I told her I would take her shopping
and so I was on my way to go get her.

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And she had messaged me through like
Facebook kids' Messenger and, um, she

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was like, mom, I can't stop crying.

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Like, I'm so sad.

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And I'm like, okay, like, are you okay?

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Like, You know, normally when she's
messaging me that she's sad and

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upset, it's usually because she
got in a fight with her sister.

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And I knew that wasn't the case
cuz her sister is at school.

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So, you know, I, I called her
on the Facebook app and I'm

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like, Hey, I'm on my way home.

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Like, are you okay?

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Like, do we need to
postpone our shopping trip?

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Like, what's going on?

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And she just like, couldn't stop crying.

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And then so I said, okay,
well I'm almost home.

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If you're still good go shopping.

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We can talk about it when I get there.

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Um, so she gets in the car and she's
still just kind of sobbing and, you

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know, I'm like, what's going on?

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And she was like, There's this song
I was listening to and it reminded me

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of Papa, and I just can't stop crying.

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I just, I'm so sad.

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Like I miss Papa so much,
and, and Papa is my dad.

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And in that moment I kind of got this
realization where I never really have

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talked to her much, you know, about her
feelings of losing her grandpa, my dad.

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Like, I just, I've been so consumed
with my own feelings and my own

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grief, like I really have not.

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and really gotten to talk to
my kids about their grief.

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And that was a, a really big wake up
call for me to really know, like, I

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really need to talk to 'em about this.

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I, I just, it's kind of the same
thing what I was talking about

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earlier in this episode where you
don't wanna upset other people.

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So sometimes you stay quiet and don't
share your feelings and, um, like,

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wow, I really need to be more open
and talking, like, talk more about

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this with my kids and really get to
know like what their feelings are.

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Like what.

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Dealing with like, what's their grief
like, because they're grieving also.

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Um, and they've got stuff that
they're probably holding onto.

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I really need to address this.

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So I, I ask her questions, you know,
like, do you think about papa a lot?

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And she says, yeah.

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And, um, and I'm just,
I'm just really sad.

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And so I just was asking her about
her feelings and she was like,

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you know, I just miss him so much.

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And I just feel like I never
got to say goodbye and I.

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You know, I remember the joy on his
face when we would come and see him.

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You know, he was always just alone
and he just loved us so much and he

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was so happy when we would come to see
him and, you know, I was holding back

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tears and she's just sobbing and you
know, cuz that last year he was living

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completely alone and, you know, um, he
loved his grandkids so much and, you

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know, we would talk to him every day.

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And, um, I.

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because his passing was unexpected
and we were visiting him at

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the time when he had passed.

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And I don't know if Layton was
trying to express to me if she felt

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some sense of guilt because she
likes to hang out with her cousins

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and, um, some of the neighborhood
kids when she's visiting my dad.

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And so I don't know if she felt guilty
that she didn't spend enough time with

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him, you know, during that visit anyway,
we just, we just, you know, kind of cried

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and I hugged her and I told her I let her.

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That, you know, even though he's
not physically here, he's still,

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he's still watching over us.

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He's still a part of our lives.

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And now he gets to be even
more involved in our lives.

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He gets to see us more often and,
um, you know, that he's still

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here just in a different way.

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And I, I told her how I write letters
to my dad and this journal that my

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cousin had given me after my dad passed.

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And that's one way, like if she
would like to talk with him, she

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can write in a journal and write
letters to him if she wants.

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And, And then I told her about
the signs that I just got.

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I said, you know, I've been feeling
really sad and missing papa lately too.

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And he showed me that he was here.

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Like, can you believe this?

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Like, I had two license plates, like
right in the, in 10 minutes of each other.

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You know, one was at this when I
was stopped here, and the other

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one was right in front of me
and it was his initials C P T.

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Like how crazy is that?

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Like you can totally ask him for a
sign to and he will give it to you.

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I know he will, because he will want you
to know that he's still with you and.

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So we kind of pulled ourselves together.

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I told her that story.

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We went into the store, we did our
shopping, and we're driving and we

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00:12:34,724 --> 00:12:36,704
come to this red light and I look.

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And I shit you not right in front of us.

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License plate, C P T.

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And I hit Layton and I like took a
picture of it and I'm like, Layton,

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oh my gosh, look right there.

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And she was like, Ugh, you know?

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And she starts like crying and she
was like, thank you papa, thank you.

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Like, and she was like,
I asked them for a sign.

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And um, so it just like,
what are the chances?

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Like how.

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Magical is that it's so amazing
and it's so comforting and

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really gives you that validation.

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Like, holy shit, they are still here.

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Like that love that connects you
and your loved ones, it never dies.

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Like they are there.

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Like you just have to like ask for
that sign and to be open and just

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like, you know, pay attention.

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Right.

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And I just can't believe that we got that.

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Like it just was.

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Amazing.

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And I couldn't wait to share that
story with you because like I

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explained in the other episode, you
know, it can come in different ways.

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We're not expecting, right?

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00:13:25,895 --> 00:13:28,775
Because I think our logical brains,
like we're always full of self doubt

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and we're trying to rationalize things
and, and so not only to see that

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00:13:32,225 --> 00:13:35,765
sign once, but then twice within 10
minutes, and then the third time with

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my daughter, after having that moment
with her talking about him and asking

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for that together, it just was crazy.

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So I know I invite you.

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To go out there and ask for a
sign from your loved one, um,

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and see what comes up for you.

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00:13:50,550 --> 00:13:54,600
And I wanna hear about it, like please
let me know, like send me a DM on

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00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,210
social media, on Instagram or Facebook.

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Um, you can find me there.

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00:13:59,310 --> 00:14:03,030
Uh, my handle is at Chelsea dot Van
Bus Kirk, so please find me and send

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00:14:03,030 --> 00:14:06,930
me a message and let me know if you've
received a sign and what you asked

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00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:08,310
for and how it came through for you.

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00:14:08,340 --> 00:14:11,100
Cuz as I love hearing those
stories, it's amazing.

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00:14:11,490 --> 00:14:14,069
So yeah, I want you to.

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Give yourself some grace
this holiday season.

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Know that it's okay to feel sad.

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00:14:20,310 --> 00:14:24,300
It's okay to allow yourself
to feel those feelings.

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Like you don't have to hide
that and you can journal and

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00:14:29,250 --> 00:14:30,720
take a time out if you need to.

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00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:31,650
And then don't.

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00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:36,660
Don't miss out on experiencing some
joy and laughter during this season.

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00:14:36,660 --> 00:14:39,660
Also likes, and really
like take time to just.

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00:14:40,425 --> 00:14:43,125
Be in that space where you're
remembering your loved one and

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00:14:43,125 --> 00:14:46,905
sharing stories and maybe crying
and laughing about funny things.

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00:14:47,355 --> 00:14:51,314
But then also just taking in the
current present moment with your loved

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00:14:51,314 --> 00:14:53,535
ones that are still physically here.

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00:14:53,775 --> 00:14:55,214
Share the sign with them.

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00:14:55,219 --> 00:14:58,545
Like go out there and get, get
a sign that you can share, or

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00:14:58,545 --> 00:15:01,334
ha tell your family members that
they can ask for their own signs.

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00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:03,675
You know, like, and I think that's
the other thing that I came to

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00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,115
realize is that even though.

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00:15:06,375 --> 00:15:11,115
Might be stuck or still processing our
own grief is that there's other people

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00:15:11,115 --> 00:15:12,765
in our circle that are grieving too.

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00:15:13,365 --> 00:15:17,925
And that was something that really
I became awakened to having that

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00:15:17,925 --> 00:15:23,505
conversation with my daughter is
being like, wow, I have three kids

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00:15:23,805 --> 00:15:28,095
and a husband and other family members
that also experienced this loss.

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00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:32,595
Like my dad was a very significant
person and more than just my life and.

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00:15:33,255 --> 00:15:36,074
I think it was an important lesson for
me to learn that, you know, there's more

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00:15:36,074 --> 00:15:37,785
people that are grieving him than just me.

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00:15:38,084 --> 00:15:41,444
Like even though in my world he was
like one of the biggest pieces of

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00:15:41,444 --> 00:15:45,795
it, he was also a piece in other
people's lives and their worlds too,

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00:15:45,795 --> 00:15:47,444
and that was a loss for them as well.

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00:15:47,444 --> 00:15:50,505
So, um, I think it's important
to acknowledge that too, and then

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00:15:50,505 --> 00:15:52,635
letting yourself know that you
can kind of share that with them.

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00:15:52,635 --> 00:15:54,974
Like, I think it was super
awesome to be able to have that

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00:15:54,974 --> 00:15:56,444
conversation with my daughter and.

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00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:58,410
Our grief together.

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00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:02,189
Like her being able to open up to me
and share the emotions and letting

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00:16:02,189 --> 00:16:06,449
her like SOB and just hugging her
was, I think, helpful for her.

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00:16:06,449 --> 00:16:08,640
But it was also helpful
and healing for me too.

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00:16:08,939 --> 00:16:13,680
So I think that is a great message that
we can take away from this episode, is

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00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:18,209
that if you are experiencing grief to
some degree this holiday season, you

335
00:16:18,209 --> 00:16:24,180
know, To maybe share with your loved ones
that might also have some feelings too.

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00:16:24,180 --> 00:16:30,060
And to really just use that as a moment
to bond and remember and allow yourself

337
00:16:30,060 --> 00:16:34,290
to get those emotions out and feel your
feelings and let yourself kind of heal

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00:16:34,290 --> 00:16:37,770
and process because you know, at the
end of the day, that's what we need to

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00:16:37,770 --> 00:16:41,489
do to kind of quote unquote, move on.

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00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,920
Um, and, and, you know, it's
not really moving on or like

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00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,599
pretending like these people did.

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00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:49,290
Have such a significant role in our
lives, but it's knowing that life

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00:16:49,290 --> 00:16:53,490
does go on and that we do have to be
an active participant in, in life and

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00:16:53,490 --> 00:16:58,079
enjoying the present moment with the
people we have currently physically here.

345
00:16:58,290 --> 00:17:03,329
And that again, the ones that are no
longer physically here, they are still

346
00:17:03,334 --> 00:17:05,490
here in a different format, right?

347
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:08,339
In a different way, but they are still
here and still a part of our lives.

348
00:17:08,339 --> 00:17:10,619
And just because we're you.

349
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,970
Still living doesn't mean
we're leaving them behind.

350
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,339
And it doesn't mean that we
love them or miss them any less.

351
00:17:17,610 --> 00:17:21,360
It's just giving us that, you
know, permission that hey, they

352
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:24,060
are still here and they would
want for us to keep enjoying life.

353
00:17:24,060 --> 00:17:25,470
And it's okay to miss them.

354
00:17:25,470 --> 00:17:29,880
And it's okay to feel sad, but it's
also okay to laugh and find joy

355
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:32,460
and to just enjoy yourself with.

356
00:17:33,495 --> 00:17:36,584
Friends and family and loved ones,
you know, here in this present moment.

357
00:17:36,584 --> 00:17:38,834
So I hope you take
something away from that.

358
00:17:38,834 --> 00:17:40,334
Again, please let me know.

359
00:17:41,115 --> 00:17:44,534
I wanna know about your signs, like
please send me that DM and let me know

360
00:17:44,534 --> 00:17:48,405
if you requested for a sign, how you
asked for it, and what you got in return.

361
00:17:48,405 --> 00:17:52,725
I wanna know, um, and don't forget
to check out my video on YouTube

362
00:17:52,729 --> 00:17:54,554
with this video will give you all of.

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00:17:55,385 --> 00:17:58,745
Tips to help get yourself through through
the holidays or while you're grieving.

364
00:17:59,284 --> 00:18:02,225
I've got a lot of great stuff coming
up for you in upcoming episodes to help

365
00:18:02,225 --> 00:18:05,195
us navigate the holidays and some of
the things that we might be dealing

366
00:18:05,195 --> 00:18:09,965
with to just help keep us in that high
vibe state, to keep us in a state of

367
00:18:09,965 --> 00:18:15,395
joy and just having a good time this
holiday season amongst all the crazy

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00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:16,774
hustle and bustle and sometimes.

369
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,150
And emotions and things that come up.

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00:18:19,420 --> 00:18:20,230
So yeah.

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00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,270
Um, that's, that's it.

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00:18:22,750 --> 00:18:25,780
And I'll see you guys next week.

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Peace.