10. This is Heart AF- Overcoming our fears in order to make positive changes in our lives

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Hey everyone, what's up?

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It's Chelsea VanBuskirk
with the Heart AF podcast.

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Hope everyone is well today.

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I had a rough moment earlier,
but I'm feeling better.

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I'm up now.

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It's good.

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It's great.

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You know, it's why I have to get
myself pumped for these podcasts.

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So, I can be like ready to go.

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earlier today had a brief breakdown.

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For those that don't know, my
father passed away last year, me

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and my father were very, very close.

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We had a very special.

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close relationship where we really
helped each other in a lot of

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ways through our lives together.

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And, when he passed, that was
very earth shattering for me.

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You guys have probably already heard
me talk about my mom and she passed

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in 2009 and my dad passed in 2021.

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So, I am without parents now I guess
you could say I'm an orphan of sorts.

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Um, And I'm laughing because
it's uncomfortable to talk about.

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It's uncomfortable to say.

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And, it's just one of those facts.

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When, you kind of take a lens on
that fact of yourself, it's kind of

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like, ow, yeah, that kind of stings.

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Like to know that you literally
don't have any parents here anymore.

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That just that's It's a weird feeling
and being only 35, like I'm feel

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like I'm on the younger side of
not having both my parents living.

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I know it can happen to
people at a much younger age.

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So I definitely am grateful
for the length of time I did

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get with my dad, especially.

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So, anyway, that was a long roundabout
way to let you know that even though

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it's been over a year since his passing.

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I had a moment where
the grief hit me today.

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, Really wasn't planning on
talking about this today on

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this episode, but here we are.

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Um, just because I wanted to
be open and up front and honest

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with you that I'm up right now.

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I'm in a good mood.

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I am high vibe.

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I'm ready to give this talk.

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I want to give today on the podcast.

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But earlier today, that was not me.

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Like I had to.

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Wash my face.

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I was literally sobbing and just letting
out all this emotion earlier today.

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Because my dad's taxes finally been
completed and we're sending them off.

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Just so, you know, if you ever have to
do this for somebody that you might be

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a personal representative for after they
pass, like you still have to file their

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taxes from the start of that year that
they pass up until the date of death.

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And so.

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I had to file taxes for the year 2021.

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January 1st through, my dad's date
of death and, it was something

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I had put off for a long time.

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And then finally got, you know,
the extension filed and got

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things sent off to my dad's CPA.

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And he was very lovely to work with.

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He really helped me immensely
because it was something I

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really did not want to deal with.

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And he dealt with and did all of
the sticky and hard parts of getting

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everything filed and put together.

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So literally I just had
to sign paperwork but,

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Today I opened the box that had the one
document I needed to have notarized.

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And so I'm opening it and the
CPA sweetly put all the paperwork

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together in a nice, organized way
for me to just be able to get the

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notaries and sign it and send it off.

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But.

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It has the affidavit that needs
to be signed and notarized and

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it literally says for deceased
taxpayer, and it has my dad's name.

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I'm about to get emotional again.

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Holy Shit!

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and then, the next page
is his death certificate.

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And I don't know why,
but it just crushed me.

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I just could not stop sobbing
because I feel like his taxes was

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one of these last remaining tasks.

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After all the things I had to
do after his death, you know?

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Doing the funeral arrangements,
writing his eulogy and, buying the

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spot in the ground where he was going
to be placed, picking out his casket

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and, all those things you have to
do right away after someone passes.

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And then, I had to take care of canceling
all of his credit card accounts and

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canceling his cable and return the
satellite equipment and all these

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things that you have to do after
person passes, It keeps you busy.

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And even though you're grieving
at the same time, it's like you

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have all this busy work to do.

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And so I've had , moments of
grief and moments of doing things.

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And so these taxes were like that last
thing that I needed to finalize to do,

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and I don't know what it was, but seeing
that paperwork just really nailed in

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the finality of it all and just the
reality of him actually being gone was

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more concrete in that moment seeing
those documents, And that was hard.

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I don't know.

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I'm getting emotional now,
even just repeating it, but it

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just was an unexpected wave
of grief that came through me.

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And so, if you're listening and
you are someone who has experienced

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grief, or are still grieving.

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I really don't think grief is
something that just disappears.

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I kind of, at this point, feel
like it's a lifelong journey

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after someone, you love, passes.

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And it's just kind of coming
into a new normal and.

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I think, you definitely are
never the same person you were

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before the passing has happened.

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And anyway, it just was such an
immense, wave of grief that came

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over me and it was very unexpected.

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And I think that is something
that's completely normal for

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somebody who might be grieving.

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It's painful.

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It sucks.

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And one thing I learned in my healing
journey is that when you have these

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uncomfortable, painful feelings,
it's best to just let them come.

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And so I did.

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I just let the sobs come, and I can
only describe it as this painful, like

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burst of water that just pushed through
this dam that just came flooding out.

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And I felt like it was
pouring out of my chest.

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Like it just, that pain was right there.

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I just really felt like when water
pressure builds up and then it just

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burst through like a dam, that's kind
of keeping it held in and it can't hold

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for a much longer cause that pressure
and the level of water is just getting

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too high and it was just like this.

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LA.

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Like this release almost, but a painful
one And it was, and . I just sat there.

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I think it was a good 30, 45 minutes
where I just sobbed and it just kept

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coming and I just let it come and sat
down on my couch and my dogs came to me,

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which was actually very sweet and just
shows you how in tune animals can be,

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to pick up on your energy and emotion.

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And, I just let it out and just cried.

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And then I got up and got my laptop and
cried some more and just started writing

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because writing is something that's very
therapeutic for me, Also is speaking.

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So speaking about my feelings and speaking
about my experiences and also writing

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about them is very therapeutic for me.

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And I also, like I've said before,
like to be as transparent as possible

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because I like to just be real
and just share what's going on.

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So you guys know, like
this is real life, right?

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Like nothing's all happy
roses all the time, right?

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Like today, I was really
having a moment and so.

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I really had to take some time and,
I wrote out, something and there's

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a post on my Instagram and Facebook.

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If you want to check it out, I
shared a photo of me and my dad.

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So if you want to see that it's
one of my favorite photos of

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us, I'm going to cry again.

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It was shortly after he got hurt.

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If you guys don't know, he,
became a quadriplegic when

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I was only nine months old.

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So I've pretty much only known
my father in a wheelchair.

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And there's a sweet photo that was taken.

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I was a little over a year old.

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So, this is after his accident when
we had moved , From his hometown in New

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Mexico, up to Colorado for him to attend
this spinal cord rehabilitation hospital

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here in Denver called Craig hospital,
which is still open and thriving today,

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helping many people with spinal cord
injuries or traumatic brain injuries,

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get rehabilitation and get services.

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They need.

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And anyway, it's just a sweet tender
moment where me as baby Chelsea is

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sitting in my dad's lap in the wheelchair,
and I'm just kind of touching him

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and laying, you know, next to him.

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And that was, something I did frequently.

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Sorry.

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wow I did not see this coming?

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I didn't even this, like
Literally I have a whole.

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Thing of what I want to talk about today.

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This was not it.

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So I'm sorry that I'm getting
so emotional, but you know,

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I'm keeping it real, right?

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Like this is just what happened today.

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So anyway, if you want to see
that photo of me and my dad.

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it is on my Facebook and Instagram
with a little blurb of, the

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grief I experienced today.

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So, After I wrote that and got
that situated, had to take a break.

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I did a little energy clearing
to really help get myself back

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grounded and back to my happy self.

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And another thing that I did to boost
my energy or boost my mood, which I had

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talked about on another Some of you may
or may not have listened to that one

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because I do stress in that episode.

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I have some spoilers
about stranger things.

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So in that a podcast where I talk
about stranger things and Vecna,

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who's a character in the fourth
season I had given some spoilers.

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So maybe you don't listen to that
episode, but one of the main themes

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of that episode was talking about
music and how therapeutic music can

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be and how transformative it can be.

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And One of the things I did this
afternoon, before I jumped on

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to record this podcast was I put
my headphones on and put some

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music on to really pump me up.

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And I just got into the music and I
tapped into those good feelings.

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I helped raise my vibe and my raise my
energy to be back into this positive

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spirit because I have a really important
message I want to deliver today.

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So let's get to what I wanted to
talk about on today's podcast,

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which is fear of making changes.

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So in one of the blurbs I posted
last week from last week's episode

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about, Having the responsibility
in your life to make changes.

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Like if you're not happy, you have to
be the one that takes that initiative.

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To make changes in your life to
make yourself happy to figure out

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solutions to the problem so that you
can have a life that you want to live.

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And someone had responded back to
me and said, yeah, but the fear

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of changing can be crippling.

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It's so scary to make changes
and that fear will sometimes just

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prevent you from doing anything.

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And what I want to talk about
that or how I want to answer that

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is you have free choice, right.

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So if you are unhappy and you're too
scared to do anything, that's okay.

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You're just going to stay
stuck in this unhappiness.

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Okay.

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So if you're willing to
live in that unhappiness,

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Then okay.

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But if you want to see a difference,
you are going to have to make changes.

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You are going to have to face that
fear and the thing I want you to think

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about that is what are you afraid of?

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Right?

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Like there's gotta be
something that we're afraid of.

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Like what's the outcome we're afraid of.

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And so to that, you're asking
yourself the question, what's

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the worst that could happen.

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If I decide to make
this change and do this.

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Okay.

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And then If you can imagine
the absolute worst outcome.

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. Then you can also do the opposite
and imagine the very best outcome.

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So what's the best
outcome possible for you?

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Making changes in your life?

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Are you going to be happier?

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What are the things that
you're going to get?

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If things go absolutely perfectly like
what's that best outcome possible for you?

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That's where I want your focus to be.

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Right?

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Because that focus focusing on
what's the best possible outcome.

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Has good feelings associated with it.

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Right.

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But if we're sitting there.

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Festering and focused on
what's the worst could happen.

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Those are like negative feelings.

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That's bringing us down.

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And so that's one of the pieces of the
law of attraction is if you're focused on

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what you don't have focused on the worst
possible outcomes, then you're attracting

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that specific thing for yourself.

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Like you're attracting those
negative feelings, like, like

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attracts, like, so if you can.

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Reframe and refocus to those positive
outcomes, then you're probably

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going to get a positive outcome.

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It may not be the exact outcome that you
wish, but it's going to The best outcome

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for your highest self, you always have
to think of this bigger perspective on

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what's best for my highest good, right?

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For my highest self, my soul
self, like what is the best

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outcome for my life overall.

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And sometimes our ego will get in the way
and think it should go a certain way, but

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really there is a best outcome for you.

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Essentially, I'm just trying to
get you to get over this crippling

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fear that's keeping you stuck and
preventing you from taking action.

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Like you're going to have to get
over that fear and take some action.

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If you want to see positive
change in your life.

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And I know that fear is
what typically stops us.

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And one way of getting over
that fear is write out what's

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the worst that could happen.

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And then you can do the opposite and
write down what's the best I can happen.

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And then start really thinking
about, okay, what's on the

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worst that can happen list.

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Like, what are the solutions
like, what are you going to do?

252
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If the worst thing that
you can imagine happens?

253
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Well, then what will that mean?

254
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What does, you What honestly, what's
so bad that's going to happen.

255
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If the worst outcome, comes true.

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Because there's going to be
solutions for that, if that happens.

257
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And then also on the flip
side, if everything goes right

258
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and you get what you want.

259
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And there's like this best outcome.

260
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How are you going to feel if that happens?

261
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Awesome.

262
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You'll have done the deed, right?

263
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Like you'll have done it and made one step
forward in the direction you want to go.

264
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And I'll give you a personal
example of this is my book.

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I've been wanting to write a book forever.

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And I honestly thought the first
book I would write would be the one

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about me and my dad's relationship.

268
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I thought it would be a memoir about
my life and it would be all about.

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Me and my dad, because that was
the thing that had just happened.

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And I had started writing and
doing this stuff before he passed.

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And then when he passed,
obviously that took a huge

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chunk of my energy and ambition, but.

273
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As I was coming back earlier this
year and finally decided to make

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a move on, on writing this book.

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And I wasn't sure which way I needed
to go, like what's the best first book

276
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and , I really needed some direction.

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And so I met with this book
coach who was an editor.

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Did a brain dump.

279
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Like I wrote four pages, just
all the shit that was in my head.

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Right.

281
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She combs through it and she threads
the common themes and she's like,

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girl, your story is about caregiving.

283
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You have been a caregiver
for your whole life.

284
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You were a caregiver to your mom
as an addict, you're a caregiver

285
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to your dad in a wheelchair.

286
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Your grandma took care of
you you did elder care.

287
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You did, all these different caregiving
roles throughout your short life so far.

288
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And there's a message there, all these
messages that you have, like it's tied in

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with your roles as it being a caregiver.

290
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And so.

291
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Out of that I wrote an outline and she
helped me edit it and get the pieces

292
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put together for my first book, which is
going to be The Caregiving Trap, which is

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based on how I treated myself as a victim.

294
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I felt sorry for myself.

295
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I.

296
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Was a people pleaser.

297
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And so it's this story of breaking free
out of these like kind of codependent

298
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and people pleasing tendencies that
we tend to take on when we have

299
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these deep wounds of unworthiness.

300
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And it's this, how to guide of
how I got myself out of that trap.

301
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When you tend to neglect yourself
while your doing things for everybody

302
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else and this bled into being a
parent and a wife, I spoke of the

303
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story about the meat, cutting the
story, in one of the previous episodes,

304
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I literally just recently became.

305
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Confident enough, secure enough.

306
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And, love myself enough to
set better boundaries and to

307
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be able to speak up my needs.

308
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So I'm not draining myself constantly
for other people and neglecting myself.

309
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And that's what this book
Is about that I'm writing.

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And, I've got a couple chapters done
and I had an opportunity to submit a

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book proposal to my ideal publisher.

312
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Like my dream publisher.

313
00:14:01,673 --> 00:14:05,633
I had an opportunity to submit an
unsolicited book proposal, which

314
00:14:05,633 --> 00:14:08,873
meant I was able to submit this
book proposal, which is essentially

315
00:14:08,873 --> 00:14:10,613
a business proposal of my book.

316
00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:13,163
To a publisher without
having a literary agent.

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00:14:13,583 --> 00:14:15,593
And I did that earlier this summer.

318
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It was scary as fuck.

319
00:14:17,153 --> 00:14:20,643
And you know, the worst thing that
could happen was I didn't get chosen.

320
00:14:21,053 --> 00:14:24,443
So I just worked my ass off and got
that proposal in and I submitted it.

321
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I did not get chosen.

322
00:14:26,063 --> 00:14:28,363
So the worst thing that
could happen, happened!

323
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But I did it.

324
00:14:29,553 --> 00:14:31,803
I at least got the proposal
together and did it.

325
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And so.

326
00:14:33,393 --> 00:14:34,623
I came back from that.

327
00:14:34,653 --> 00:14:38,413
And I had another opportunity that
was last weekend, actually for

328
00:14:38,413 --> 00:14:39,633
me to submit this proposal again.

329
00:14:40,873 --> 00:14:44,703
And it would be with a smaller number
of other people submitting with me.

330
00:14:44,703 --> 00:14:46,773
So I was like, okay, that
gives me better leverage.

331
00:14:46,773 --> 00:14:48,583
They're like, I'll be up
against less competition.

332
00:14:49,383 --> 00:14:53,083
And let me rework my proposal a little bit
and let me see where I can make it better.

333
00:14:53,523 --> 00:14:56,453
And so , over the last couple months
I made some tweaks and all that and

334
00:14:56,453 --> 00:14:58,883
got it ready again, did a new video.

335
00:14:59,123 --> 00:15:00,683
and I just submitted that proposal again.

336
00:15:00,683 --> 00:15:01,793
I submitted it again.

337
00:15:01,923 --> 00:15:05,877
And guess what's the worst that's going
to happen is I don't get picked again.

338
00:15:05,877 --> 00:15:06,357
Right.

339
00:15:06,417 --> 00:15:07,287
And that's okay.

340
00:15:07,287 --> 00:15:10,317
That means that it's not my time
for this publisher and that's okay.

341
00:15:11,157 --> 00:15:13,917
Because I know for my highest good,
it's not the right fit at this time.

342
00:15:14,517 --> 00:15:17,607
But it doesn't mean it might not be the
right fit in the future, or maybe it

343
00:15:17,607 --> 00:15:18,897
means that there's another publisher.

344
00:15:18,927 --> 00:15:22,377
That's going to be a better fit
for my story in my situation,

345
00:15:22,587 --> 00:15:23,637
but I'm not going to give up.

346
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:28,317
And I can't let that fear of
not getting picked, stop me from

347
00:15:28,377 --> 00:15:29,907
wanting to get my book published.

348
00:15:29,937 --> 00:15:32,187
You know, there's a lot of different
solutions and that's the thing that

349
00:15:32,187 --> 00:15:34,677
you have to think about too, is
what is the thing that you want?

350
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:36,037
what is the thing that you want to do?

351
00:15:36,117 --> 00:15:39,087
I was talking about happiness in
general, but if there's something that

352
00:15:39,087 --> 00:15:42,087
you want to accomplish in your life
or if there's something you need to

353
00:15:42,087 --> 00:15:44,437
change, like if you need to change
something within your relationship,

354
00:15:45,567 --> 00:15:46,527
Like I've done that too.

355
00:15:46,527 --> 00:15:49,797
And that's scary as fuck when you
have to have these hard conversations.

356
00:15:50,127 --> 00:15:52,937
And I wrote down what's the
worst that could happen.

357
00:15:53,817 --> 00:15:55,017
My husband's going to leave me.

358
00:15:55,047 --> 00:15:56,787
That's the worst that's going to
happen is I'm going to have to

359
00:15:56,847 --> 00:16:00,027
break up with my husband and get a
divorce and be a single mom of three.

360
00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:01,337
That was the very worst that could happen.

361
00:16:01,797 --> 00:16:02,437
And I looked at that.

362
00:16:02,907 --> 00:16:04,347
If that was really going to happen.

363
00:16:04,737 --> 00:16:05,637
I was going to be okay.

364
00:16:05,667 --> 00:16:05,967
Right.

365
00:16:05,967 --> 00:16:09,177
Like I had to get that in my head
that if that situation was going to

366
00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:13,837
be what resulted from me having this
tough conversation with my husband.

367
00:16:14,817 --> 00:16:17,877
Then I had to be okay with that and know
that was going to be for my highest good.

368
00:16:18,237 --> 00:16:18,987
But guess what?

369
00:16:19,107 --> 00:16:19,917
That's not what happened.

370
00:16:19,917 --> 00:16:20,937
I was actually super surprised.

371
00:16:21,897 --> 00:16:23,157
The conversation was really hard.

372
00:16:23,157 --> 00:16:25,437
It did not go over very
well in the beginning.

373
00:16:25,707 --> 00:16:28,977
But over time, it just improved me
and my husband's relationship and

374
00:16:28,977 --> 00:16:32,867
we got better and we're able to
communicate more clearly with each other.

375
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:36,147
And I think our love has grown,
even beyond where it was before.

376
00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:37,590
And I'm happier in the relationship.

377
00:16:37,590 --> 00:16:39,120
And I think he's happier
in the relationship.

378
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,963
So, I mean, that was kind of like
the best possible outcome of that too.

379
00:16:41,963 --> 00:16:44,183
Like me speaking up meant
that maybe I could actually

380
00:16:44,183 --> 00:16:45,893
be happier in my relationship.

381
00:16:45,923 --> 00:16:48,023
Maybe I could have a better relationship.

382
00:16:48,023 --> 00:16:51,563
That was more in line with what
I wanted in my spouse, you know?

383
00:16:51,843 --> 00:16:53,223
Those are the things
you have to think about.

384
00:16:53,307 --> 00:16:53,817
Like.

385
00:16:53,833 --> 00:16:55,443
What is your happiness worth to you?

386
00:16:56,333 --> 00:17:00,253
And the other thing too is, You can always
go back to the way things were, right?

387
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:04,153
Like if you're unhappy and you, you
decide to try something, you can

388
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:06,613
know that, you can always go back
to doing things you've always done

389
00:17:06,613 --> 00:17:08,053
and be right back where you were.

390
00:17:08,203 --> 00:17:11,123
So that's something to think about too,
is if you don't do anything, you're

391
00:17:11,153 --> 00:17:12,203
just going to stay where you're at.

392
00:17:12,233 --> 00:17:16,523
So if you're okay with just being unhappy
or not achieving something you want to do,

393
00:17:16,523 --> 00:17:21,513
like writing a book or whatever it is, or
making that call to somebody or, looking

394
00:17:21,513 --> 00:17:23,913
for a new job when you're miserable
in your current job, or quitting

395
00:17:23,913 --> 00:17:25,083
your job to start your own business.

396
00:17:25,083 --> 00:17:29,113
Like, you're not going to know what
amazing possibilities are out there

397
00:17:29,113 --> 00:17:32,763
unless you take a chance and go for
it , and see what maybe it could be

398
00:17:32,763 --> 00:17:34,323
the best possible outcome for you.

399
00:17:34,533 --> 00:17:37,170
Right I hope that message rang clear.

400
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,180
I know it was a little bit,
you know, me and my add.

401
00:17:39,593 --> 00:17:41,783
That's another thing if you guys
want to know a little secret.

402
00:17:41,783 --> 00:17:47,693
I do have ADHD and I have been
off my medicine for, uh, three

403
00:17:47,693 --> 00:17:53,043
weeks now because I'm also on a,
Binge-eating recovery right now.

404
00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:58,063
And the ADHD medicine can sometimes affect
your hunger and make you not hungry.

405
00:17:58,093 --> 00:18:02,533
And so I had made the decision to stop
taking that medicine so that I could get

406
00:18:02,533 --> 00:18:06,173
in touch with my body again and start
to listen to my body's, hunger cues and

407
00:18:06,173 --> 00:18:09,143
start to make that mind, body connection
again, with my eating habits, because I'm

408
00:18:09,193 --> 00:18:11,153
doing a Binge Eating recovery program.

409
00:18:11,153 --> 00:18:14,123
And part of that is learning how to
become an intuitive eater and listen

410
00:18:14,123 --> 00:18:15,683
to your body and all these things.

411
00:18:15,683 --> 00:18:19,373
So, anyway, I'm off my ADHD
medication, which I think is coming

412
00:18:19,373 --> 00:18:21,293
through sometimes on these episodes.

413
00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:25,423
So if I am going like back and
forth or ping-ponging, that is why.

414
00:18:26,023 --> 00:18:29,223
I'm just doing my best to
stay focused and do my thing.

415
00:18:29,223 --> 00:18:31,003
And so it Is what it is.

416
00:18:31,003 --> 00:18:31,983
And this is me.

417
00:18:31,983 --> 00:18:32,713
This is Heart AF..

418
00:18:32,893 --> 00:18:34,123
This is what this brand is.

419
00:18:34,173 --> 00:18:35,073
I'm excited about it.

420
00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:35,583
It's me.

421
00:18:35,583 --> 00:18:38,223
And I kind of don't give a
fuck, like take it or leave it.

422
00:18:38,223 --> 00:18:38,743
This is me.

423
00:18:39,333 --> 00:18:41,793
And, just like, fakers going
to fake, haters, gonna hate.

424
00:18:41,793 --> 00:18:45,103
Either you get something from
it or you don't and that's okay.

425
00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:47,981
But I hope people that do
listen, do get something from it.

426
00:18:48,011 --> 00:18:51,671
So anyway, You can see that post I
was talking about earlier and you

427
00:18:51,671 --> 00:18:53,441
can find me on Facebook or Instagram.

428
00:18:53,441 --> 00:18:54,861
Send me a private message.

429
00:18:54,861 --> 00:18:58,251
I love hearing from you guys if
you've listened, you can find me there

430
00:18:58,851 --> 00:19:04,111
@chelsea.vanbuskirk, or you can find me
on my website at ChelseaVanBuskirk.com.

431
00:19:04,161 --> 00:19:05,891
And I'll see you guys next week.

432
00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:07,291
Peace.